Hooniverse Asks: What Would an Ikea Car be Like?

Ikea
With seemingly everybody and his brother, from Elon Musk to Google to Apple, horning in on the car production game, you can bet it’s only a matter of time before IKEA, Swedish maker of all things home and hearth, finally jumps that shark.
It seems like a perfect fit, doesn’t it? I mean they make all the stuff to fill your house, from sofas for your living space to luffas for your shower. Why wouldn’t they expand to the garage as well? If they did, what do you think the result would be like? Would maintenance require nothing more than a metric allen wrench, and would the owner’s manual be a fold out pictogram? What form do you think an IKEA car might just take?
Image: Daily Telegraph

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38 responses to “Hooniverse Asks: What Would an Ikea Car be Like?”

  1. Kiefmo Avatar
    Kiefmo

    It would look sharp and work well, like the latest Volvo. However, its materials would not be at all durable, and it would be falling apart inside of 5 years, but that’s okay, because you paid the same price for it as a used 10 y.o. Civic, partly because of the material cheapness, partly because it arrived in your driveway in a crate containing partly assembled modules and a minimalist set of tools to complete the assembly.
    Oh, and if it got into a single crash or breakdown, you either hack it back together with other manufacturer’s parts, or its done for. IKEA doesn’t sell replacement parts.

    1. jeepjeff Avatar
      jeepjeff

      So, what you’re saying is rather than create their own in-house automotive division, they’re going to buy a large stake in Geely Sweden AB?

  2. smalleyxb122 Avatar
    smalleyxb122

    It would be a Swedish version of the US-market Jetta. Noticeably built to a price, then sold for an inflated price while projecting a higher perceived value than its lower priced competition.
    How did IKEA convince so many people that particle board disposable furniture is “fancy”? (It’s the unpronounceable names, isn’t it?)

    1. Kiefmo Avatar
      Kiefmo

      It isn’t fancy, but it is a sign of wealth, in that buying disposable things means you have lots of disposable income, and can afford to buy the disposable things over and over.
      Poor people have to save forever to buy the thing that will last.
      At least, that’s how I work, and I’m poor.

      1. Sjalabais Avatar
        Sjalabais

        The popularity of Mini and LandRover among the well-off supports the first part of your theory. The huddled masses in Hyundais, Ladas and Chevrolets around the world want a word with the second part of your theory.

        1. Kiefmo Avatar
          Kiefmo

          The second part of the theory is because people aren’t willing to suffer for a while, or do extra work.
          For example, driving a $1500 beater that you paid cash for while saving up to either buy outright or put a monster down payment on a new car from a maker known for longevity (which I’ll defined as being an average life of >15 years).
          No, the cheap car buyer wants instant gratification.

          1. Citric Avatar
            Citric

            I wouldn’t go with that. The people who buy cheap-but-new need something reliable for work, but don’t have the time or skill to make a beater run. A Nissan Micra isn’t exactly a great car, but it has a warranty and will function without much complaint for at least a few years. A ’90s Escort in the hands of a guy who definitely has no mechanical ability will not do that.
            In a lot of cases, people can’t actually do extra work without something at least somewhat mechanically sound, because they have to actually arrive at work – a friend of mine was recently in a panic because his beater was actually going to affect his employment if he couldn’t get it working reliably.

  3. Fred Talmadge Avatar
    Fred Talmadge

    Probably something like the old Sears http://searsmotorbuggy.com/Sears_history.php

  4. GTXcellent Avatar
    GTXcellent

    Like a boxier, more simplistic 740 – although there is an optional rosemaled dash

    1. mdharrell Avatar
      1. Sjalabais Avatar
        Sjalabais

        You are so lucky with the colour. These are neat in orange or dark green, but disappear into the background when burgundy or silver.

        1. mdharrell Avatar

          I’m quite happy with it, although the light green 66 GL Estate in Vermont certainly photographs well.
          https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5326/9513451918_7580921b15.jpg

  5. Jason Newman Avatar
    Jason Newman

    A bunch of parts in boxes and an allen key

  6. Alff Avatar
    Alff

    It would be roomy during the week but crowded on the weekend.

    1. Kiefmo Avatar
      Kiefmo

      And the floor would always be inexplicably sticky.

  7. longrooffan Avatar
    longrooffan

    Just dropping this in here.

    1. Sjalabais Avatar
      Sjalabais

      Came here to post one of these. I guess maintaining the IKEA car would be an ok job – I’d not expect to be lacking the appropriate tools.

        1. Sjalabais Avatar
          Sjalabais

          Not sure if dream or nightmare…

          1. jeepjeff Avatar
            jeepjeff

            Just imagine torquing your lug nuts with a 5cm long allen key.

    2. Guest Avatar
      Guest

      That looks like an immense amount of fun!

  8. engineerd Avatar
    engineerd

    I’m thinking a wooden Lambork would be cool, but some assembly would be required and interpreting the diagrams on the instructions may not always be that easy. Luckily, I know of a guy that could help me build it in my basement.
    http://dailynewsdig.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Man-Builds-Lamborghini-Countach-In-Basement-3.jpg

  9. PotbellyJoe★★★★★ Avatar
    PotbellyJoe★★★★★

    http://creditcardclassics.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/corolla1-600×450.jpg
    The Corolla FX16 comes to mind. Small for what it is, but capable of doing what the average person needs. Easy to take apart and move if needed. Not necessarily robust, but it will outlast more expensive cars you own. Feel free to buy baubles to make it look more to your liking, or keep it white forever.

    1. Sjalabais Avatar
      Sjalabais

      IKEA packages used to be designed in order to fit the boot of a 240 estate. Nowadays, they are normed after the V70.

  10. jeepjeff Avatar
    jeepjeff

    Clearly it’s going to be the love child of a Caterham, a Morris and a Saab. Two seater kit car with steel frame and wood paneling. It would have both a roll hoop behind the seats and one over the windshield with flat ABS sliders on top: perfect for tying down flat pack boxes.

  11. Lokki Avatar
    Lokki

    Ahem

  12. Alan Cesar Avatar
    Alan Cesar

    I don’t have much basis for speculation, but I can tell you one thing for sure: The trunk will be perfectly rectangular, perfectly sized to fit as much flat-pack furniture as possible.
    It’s also likely that they would design it so all the components you have to install fit neatly within the body shell, and that the body shells will stack neatly in a shipping container.
    The engine and driveline may already be installed, but probably dry (with a light coating of grease/oil inside to prevent lockup during storage), so they can be tipped over without spills. Fluids will be stored in sealed jugs inside the car.

    1. Alan Cesar Avatar
      Alan Cesar

      Being a world car, instructions will be provided that allow you to install the steering wheel on either side. The horn will have three settings: Ottawa Polite, London Gridlock, or Delhi Rage. Being Swedish, it’ll also be a great platform for rally racing.

    1. Vairship Avatar
      Vairship

      Obviously.

  13. Maymar Avatar
    Maymar

    It’s been my experience that Ikea furniture is reasonable quality, at least as far as cheap stuff goes. It’s not fantastic, but it doesn’t punish you for skimping a little. And, it looks decent. That said, once it starts falling apart, it’s pretty much done for. It’s starter furniture, to get by while you save up for something that’ll actually last.
    Sounds a lot like modern Hyundai/Kia products. Of course, it’d take H/K dealers serving those meatballs to get me to set foot in them any time soon

  14. Jakellwood Avatar
    Jakellwood

    In the words of some movie about mental patients running an advertising agency, “Boxy, but good.”
    Also, who doesn’t miss a real wood dash? That’d be nice to see again. It would be much like the old VW Fox 2 door wagon (3 door wagon? Who knows any more?). To avoid safety regs, it would probably need to have 3 wheels (tadpole configuration, underpowered boxer engine driving the fronts, small single wheel out back – somehow not messing up the flat floor, maybe with a foldable rear seat for 2+1 seating?).
    If IKEA jumps on this, it could beat the Elio to market with something cheaper, slightly more practical, and significantly less safe….

  15. KAC Avatar
    KAC

    Anyone remember this?

  16. crank_case Avatar
    crank_case

    It would initially seem clever and good values, but would involve walking around a dealership setup like a maze in which you feel like a human lab rat, buying accessories you didn’t actually need along the way. You would have an argument with your other half when putting it together, then find it wasn’t actually quite the model or color you’d wanted because you’d misread the exact product code for a slarbfartigofast.
    You’d get it home and mild disappointment would set in but you wouldn’t bother return it because going back to the blue and yellow soul sucking hellhole would be too much of an ordeal.