By Eric Rood
The 24 Hours of LeMons’ annual visit to Buttonwillow Raceway Park in the California desert may be the very pinnacle of LeMons-dom: The race has typically been held there in the summer when high temperature peak at around 100 degrees. It’s no surprise, then, that this race goes by the monker of “Button Turrible.” Only the most dedicated LeMoneers suffer through this one, but the most dedicated crews tend to be the best and this race is no exception.
As expected, daytime temperatures should push 100 degrees every day this weekend, which will test both idiot and crappy machine equally. Saturday’s race features a three-hour break at 3 p.m. to beat the heat some while Sunday’s checkered flag comes early at 1:30 p.m. local time. This weekend will feature a full plate of sweaty, stinky racing. Follow the jump for an executive brief on what to expect.
Recently, the 24 Hours of LeMons announced its partnership with the Hot Rod Magazine’s YouTube show/series Roadkill. Roadkill sponsors LeMons now, that is. If you’re not familiar, the series follows Hot Rod editors David Freiburger and Mike Finnegan as they do dumb and/or excellent things to old cars (and boats, sometimes). Everything is always 100 percent more difficult than anticipated and things seldom go right. (Also, go watch all of it, if you haven’t. You won’t regret it.)
Just like the experience of typical LeMons teams.
It’s a natural synergy, I’m told, which is like a synonym of energy wherein everything is made of complete and utter fancy. So naturally, it’s a perfect opportunity to synergy-market the series with people whose personal synergies align with those synergies of LeMons and Roadkill in their ability to market that opportunity.
This is a step forward for the 24 Hours of LeMons, so naturally it’s time for LeMons’ teams to increase their market visibility synergy. I’ve identified a few key brand-strategy-market-partnerships in this weekend’s 114-car field (Unofficial entry list here) and have offered catch-phrase suggestions totally not from a terrible Internet slogan generator with a few random words from a random word generator thrown in for good bad measure.
The full report is below.
Market analysis: Effluence group
We’ve prepared this report to look at the fine-quality automobiles that embody “effluence,” that indisputably Lemons-esque synergized quality. You will notice a high percentage of British and General Motors entries; these are companies with a significant marke- share optimization synergy in the field of effluence. Please acclimatize to the following chart, which includes slogans developed over intense seconds weeks of careful planning.
| Number | Name | Year | Car Type | Slogan |
| 785 | Panting Polar Bear Racing 2 | 1961 | AMC Rambler (above) | “Feel it: Panting Polar Bear Racing!” |
| 57 | Team-Ing With Bad Ideas | 1964 | Austin Mini | “Team-Ing With Bad Ideas, your family will love you.” |
| 661 | Planned Obsolescence | 1979 | Buick Skyhawk | “Where’s Planned Obsolescence? Donuts.” |
| 484 | Pinewood Dirtbags 484 | 1976 | Chevy LUV | “Pinewood Dirtbags 484: You see this name, you think dirty.” |
| 200 | Dudes Ex Machina | 1980 | Datsun 200SX | “Pure Dudes Ex Machina. Pure Power.” |
| 448 | Gross Polluters Racing Team | 1998 | GMC Sonoma | “Gross Polluters Racing Team: Get ready.” |
| 447 | Team Tinworm | 1964 | Humber Super Snipe | “Food or Team Tinworm? I’ll have Team Tinworm.” |
| 180 | Missfits | 2003 | Jaguar X-Type | “Make yourself at home with Missfits.” |
| 747 | Empty Pockets Racing | 1994 | Lincoln Town Car | “The secret of Empty Pockets Racing: Amnesia.” |
| 0 | LaHonda Bandits Racing Grope | 1976 | Porsche 914 | “Who is LaHonda Bandits Racing Grope? Cannibalism.” |
| 81 | Bodge Engineering | 1981 | Rover 3500 SD1 | “Bodge Engineering for a better future.” |
| 191 | Aqua Volvo | 1979 | Volvo 242 | “Start the day with Aqua Volvo.” |
| 431 | Petty Cash Racing B | 1991 | Jeep Cherokee | “Petty Cash Racing B extra dry.” |
Market analysis: MOPAR OR NO CAR (REDUX) panel
We see perhaps a disturbing decline in Chrysler entries with only one last week at our Denver meeting, where Escape Velocity Racing’s Dodge Dart with push-button transmission reintermediated Class C fungibility. This weekend sees only one Mopar interface again.
| Number | Name | Year | Car Type | Slogan |
| 40 | Neon Pope | 1997 | Dodge Neon (above) | “Neon Pope, where success is at home.” |
Market analysis: Japanese oddballs
Our records indicate that synergy imperatives from Japan are leverage highest not from these two makers: Subaru and Mitsubishi. They are character-building, often failing to intrinsically expedite high-quality architectures while also maitaining their ability to simultaneously split flexible infinitives.
| Number | Name | Year | Car Type | Slogan |
| 969 | Empty Pockets Racing | 1993 | Mitsubishi 3000GT SL | “I have a penguin infestation. Thanks Empty Pockets Racing.” |
| 248 | Team Blowe’s | 1995 | Mitsubishi Eclipse (above) | “The original Team Blowe’s.” |
| 90 | Evil Hella Kitty | 1993 | Subaru Impreza | “The Future of Evil Hella Kitty: Anteaters.” |
Market analysis: General Motors’ and Camero working group
Our vast research has concluded that, among many other important things, Chevrolet Camaro owners wish to have the name of their car spelled “Camero.” We will be holistically working to actualize this goal in all Camero-related communiques henceforth. Bearing that in mind, GM has revolutionized LeMons market value by epitomiphyzing the nature of “Lemons-tude.”
| Number | Name | Year | Car Type | Slogan |
| 66 | Raiders Dance Team | 1988 | Pontiac Firebird | “Truly Raiders Dance Team. Now with more knife fights!” |
| 707 | Learning2Turn B | 1994 | Pontiac Firebird | “Learning2Turn beats everything…with a hammer.” |
| 56 | BFoF Racing (Bakersfield Finest Old Farts) | 1991 | Chevy Camero | “BFoF Racing brings out the best.” |
| 105 | Sheepshaggers | 1984 | Chevy Camero (above) | “Sheepshaggers is the best! Better than BFoF, even.” |
| 755 | Tron | 1989 | Chevy Camero | “Tron: Empowering people.” |
| 711 | Learning2Turn A | 1984 | Chevy Corvette | “Hallelujah, it’s a Learning2Turn.” |
| 87 | ONSET/Tetanus West | 1989 | Chevy Cavalier | “The best ONSET in the world.” |
| 710 | Starving Student Drivers | 1999 | Chevy Cavalier | “Starving Student Drivers: One name. One legend.” |
| 108 | Avis Race-A-Car | 2004 | Chevy Aveo | “Be part of Avis Race-A-Car. Preferably not the bottom part.” |
Market analysis: Ford Racing failure-modeling system
Through our complex data crunching with the highly revolutionary Butt-Turrible 386 supercomputer, we’ve identified that the triplets from Turrible T and the Pinto Bean Bandits are the LeMons equivalent of superstars. We feel that they should focus on the five “-ize” (conceptualize, visualize, strategize, plagiarize, and rubidize) in order to aggregate top-line potentialities for the other “Blue Oval” entries to synergize and max-potentialize-ify.
| Number | Name | Year | Car Type | Slogan |
| 92 | Turrible Ts and the Pinto Bean Bandits | 1927 | Ford Model T | “What is Turrible Ts and the Pinto Bean Bandits? Vampires.” |
| 142 | The Old and the Wreckless | 1991 | Ford Mustang | “You better get your The Old and the Wreckless out.” |
| 171 | Old Crows A | 1996 | Ford Mustang (above) | “Old Crows: The smart choice. Possibly the only choice.” |
| 777 | Holy Rollers Racing | 1989 | Ford Mustang | “Holy Rollers Racing is the only way to be happy.” |
| 27 | Turrible Ts and the Pinto Bean Bandits | 1976 | Ford Pinto | “Turrible Ts and the Pinto Bean Bandits – first class!” |
| 67 | Turrible Ts and the Pinto Bean Bandits | 1975 | Ford Pinto | “Turrible Ts and the Pinto Bean Bandits for your kids! (Not intended for children)” |
| 99 | Big Red Racing | 1994 | Ford Escort | “Big Red Racing, the clever way.” |
| 97 | DUCK IT RACING | 2001 | Ford Focus | “Thanks DUCK IT RACING. Thanks for nothing.” |
| 31 | Delinquent Racing | 1996 | Ford Taurus SHO | “There’s only one true Delinquent Racing!” |
| 339 | The Merkur-y Six | 1989 | Merkur XR4Ti | “The Merkur-y Six: Go for it!” |
Market analysis: Datsun/Nissan synergized synergy optimization team
Nissan have had some struggles recently in the world marketplace of ideas, but we have to remember the key to synergizing our humanification of market placement: Human capital and high-yield relationships. Proactively remember that we’re envisioneering results for covalent people with tangible assets. When dealing with Nissan clients, always remember your mission statement: “Foster compelling networks not just credibly, but enhance.”
| Number | Name | Year | Car Type | Slogan |
| 808 | Haterade | 1991 | Nissan 300ZX | “I want Haterade and I want it now.” |
| 131 | The Underground | 1985 | Nissan 300ZX Turbo | “Be inspired by The Underground. Catch on fire.” |
| 181 | The GMObiles | 1974 | Datsun 240Z | “The The GMObiles spirit. Twice the the, once the spirit.” |
| 240 | Roadkill | 1971 | Datsun 240Z | “Nothing is faster than Roadkill. Just kidding; take the hood off.” |
| 151 | Arrive and Drive | 1971 | Datsun 510 | “Arrive and Drive: If you love Arrive and Drive.” |
| 21 | Hazard Frought Fools | 1997 | Nissan 200SX | “Hazard Frought Fools is your safe place in an unsafe world!” |
| 665 | Dia de Los LeMons | 1989 | Nissan 240SX | “Say ‘Dia de Los LeMons.’ Now hold your tongue and say it.” |
| 138 | Carp Diem | 1990 | Nissan NX2000 | “3…2…1…Carp Diem.” |
| 37 | Point Breakers | 1991 | Nissan Sentra | “You can’t stop Point Breakers.” |
| 187 | Golden Wang’s Gardening Service | 1987 | Nissan Sentra | “Golden Wang’s Gardening Service: Stay in touch.” |
| 776 | Star Spangled Buttholes | 1991 | Nissan Sentra (above) | “The Star Spangled Buttholes way of life. Best not imagine it.” |
Market analysis: Toyopet disaster mitigation response unit
Toyota and related assets have, like the Nissan niche (Chloe, take a note: “Niche-san”), struggled with endurance racing constructs lately. While this weekend Toyota is smaller than the Niche-san contingent, continue to mesh, morph, and monolith the direction of the program. Turn over all the stones and make sure your 12 are worth more than 10 cents.
| Number | Name | Year | Car Type | Slogan |
| 177 | Uncle Joe’s Racing | 1983 | Toyota Celica | “Uncle Joe’s Racing: It’s as simple as that!” |
| 182 | The Black Flags | 1983 | Toyota Celica Supra (above) | “I wish I had a The Black Flags.” |
| 550 | Fourth Period Drivers Ed | 1987 | Toyota Corolla FX16 | “You better get inside Fourth Period Drivers Ed.” |
| 404 | As Seen On TV Racing A | 1981 | Toyota Starolla | “As Seen On TV Racing: It’s a kind of magic. |
Market analysis: Bike-powered hybrid analytics
We’re clearly excited by this potentiality. Our data-collection specialists have told us this is exciting, so please feel free to synergize excitement with your constituencies. Remember: People enjoy exciting.
| Number | Name | Year | Car Type | Slogan |
| 981 | Black Iron Racing MR SakiBOMB | 1986 | Toyota MR2/Ninja (above) | “And on the eighth day, god created Black Iron Racing MR SakiBOMB. And it wasn’t awful.” |
| 117 | The Fat and the Furious | 1990 | Geo Metro/CBR | “The Fat and the Furious makes your day.” |
Market analysis: Honda heuristics
Our Honda heuristics team are unable to attend this meeting, but I think we can all agree that “heuristics” needs to be used more often in our vocabulary, since it makes us look smart when we know how to pronounce it.
| Number | Name | Year | Car Type | Slogan |
| 192 | Takata R&D | 1993 | Honda Accord | “Discover the world of Takata R&D .” |
| 112 | X Dogs | 1989 | Honda Civic | “X Dogs is a female force.” |
| 207 | Sting Yer Ring Rideshare | 1988 | Honda Civic | “Sting Yer Ring Rideshare for the masses.” |
| 701 | Scrappy Dogs Racing A | 1989 | Honda Civic | “Call a friend. Call Scrappy Dogs Racing.” |
| 86 | Team Monaco | 1990 | Honda CRX | “Ooh la la, Team Monaco.” |
| 301 | Scrappy Dogs Racing B | 1988 | Honda CRX (above) | “My Scrappy Dogs Racing and me.” |
| 733 | Team Delivery Driver – Avoid the Noid | 1985 | Honda CRX | “There’s only one thing in the world I want and that is Team Delivery Driver.” |
| 311 | Boom Racing | 1996 | Honda Prelude | “Stay cool with Boom Racing.” |
Market analysis: Mazda engineering, but not actually with real engineers [Chloe, put emoticons in report here to show how hip we are.]
It looks like we’re running short on space-time here so we’ll expedite this with fewer infomediaries. Let’s get right to the point with no more bullshit (Pardon the language, but we need conciseness and feeling here):
Our Mazda group clearly delivers enterprise-wide ROI proactively like few low-risk high-yield valuables can. This is the intrinsically mission-critical schema in the whole globally productivated initiative.
| Number | Name | Year | Car Type | Slogan |
| 1 | Cow Fart Racing | 1997 | Mazda Miata | “Life’s beautiful with Cow Fart Racing.” |
| 46 | Cobra Kai | 1990 | Mazda Miata | “Cobra Kai beat?” |
| 189 | Tired Iron Racing | 1991 | Mazda Miata | “The Tired Iron Racing people. (*Don’t look them in the eye).” |
| 333 | Occupy Pit Lane | 1991 | Mazda Miata | “Who wouldn’t fight for Occupy Pit Lane?” |
| 553 | Eyesore Racing | 1993 | Mazda Miata | “Jesus loves Eyesore Racing.” |
| 619 | Lapping for Leukemia | 1991 | Mazda Miata | “Be inspired by Lapping for Leukemia.” |
| 920 | Auto Lemon Union B | 1992 | Mazda Miata | “My way is Auto Lemon Union. Unrelated: I’m totally lost.” |
| 18 | Formula None Racing | 1986 | Mazda RX-7 | “Live Formula None Racing.” |
| 55 | Flaming A-Holes A | 1990 | Mazda RX-7 | “Nonstop Flaming A-Holes.” |
| 555 | Mazdarachis | 1985 | Mazda RX-7 | “Share moments, share Mazdarachis.” |
| 647 | Hit and Run Racing | 1988 | Mazda RX-7 (above) | “Feel good with Hit and Run.” |
Conclusion
I think the report here speaks for itself and elucidates a fundamentally impactful and value-added methdology. This is synergy, people. I can only lay out the clear path forward; it’s up to you to saunter the saunter on your way to—
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GCjPSnj8BI[/youtube]
[You can follow the race via live timing on Specialty Timing’s website or via the Race Monitor app for smartphones and devices. It’s better than baking in the California desert.]
EDIT: The ever-awesome CAMERO owner Julian Cordle has informed that RacerConnect will offer a RaceCast livestream on the web from Buttonwillow. You can view it here with side-by-side live timing. The RaceCast will be later archived on YouTube (Check the comments section for a link).
Some important-ish information |
|
| Friday Inspections (Pacific Time) | Noon to 5 p.m. |
| Saturday Session Time (Pacific Time) | 8 a.m. to 3 p.m.; 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. |
| Sunday Session Time (Pacific Time) | 8 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. |
| LeMons Lap Record | 2:05.9 – Geo Player Special (Geo Metro, CBR) |
| Overall Winners | 2009 – Mustard Yellow Volvo… (Volvo 240, V8) |
| 2010 – Off Consistently (Nissan 300ZX) | |
| 2011 – If It’s Not Punk, It’s Junk (BMW E34) | |
| 2012 – Cerveza Racing (BMW E28) | |
| 2013 – Model T GT (Ford Model T) | |
| 2014 – Cerveza Racing (BMW E28) | |
| Class B Winners | 2009 – Lemons Vice (Honda CRX) |
| 2010 – Spirit of Joe (VW Golf) | |
| 2011 – Dust N Debris (Dodge Shadow) | |
| 2012 – Clueless Party Vikings (Ford Mustang) | |
| 2013 – Team Harlequin (VW Golf) | |
| 2014 – Super Troop (Mercury Zephyr) | |
| Class C Winners | 2009 – Italian Stallions (Fiat X1/9) |
| 2010 – Dai Hard 2: Dai Another Day (Daihatsu Charade) | |
| 2011 – Killer ZomBees (MG MGB) | |
| 2012 – As Seen on TV Racing (Kia Rio) | |
| 2013 – Bozos Suckos (Volkswagen Beetle) | |
| 2014 – Pinewood Dirtbags Troop 282 | |
| Index of Effluency Winners | 2009 – San Diego Minis aka Team Bean (Austin Mini) |
| 2010 – King Henry V8th (Cadillac DeVille) | |
| 2011 – Spank’s combined British nonsense | |
| 2012 – Team Tinworm (Humber Super Snipe) | |
| 2013 – Planned Obsolescence (Buick Skyhawk) | |
| 2014 – Idioti Curse O Masina Pentru Idiota aka Spank (Renault R10) |
[Photos: Murilee Martin except lead photo by Nick Pon/24 Hours of LeMons]
Jeff Glucker
love how they listed all the mythical “Cameros”
Anyone know the results CO like heroic fix?
The “honkout” may be my favoritest thing ever.
If I’m getting this right it seems that Roadkill will be racing the Ratsun? Oh yes!
I don’t think so, actually. It’s the car they registered, but word is they have something either really crappy or really cheaty up their sleeves.
More crappy and cheaty than this?
http://image.hotrod.com/f/84192736+w660+h495+cr1/paragraphimage.jpg
Oh, this is going to be good…
It’s going well. This is happening right now, tech inspections close in two hours.
https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/p180x540/1939900_509527599202503_599208396550182887_n.jpg?oh=11d1c134827f5a005ba3eec9b226ae44&oe=562EDEDB