By Jim Yu
A lovely bunch, us.
Under the Phaeton’s audio controls are two identical ashtrays/cointrays. Owners were complaining that they did not pop out at the same speed. Enough people complained to the poor VW dealerships that the manufacturer actually came up with a solution.
Technical Solution 2013463, “Slow Opening Ashtrays”, instructs the tech to remove the ashtray assemblies, unscrew the J523 display unit above the ashtrays, place his hands inside the spaces where the ashtrays used to be, gently lift the J523 display, and reset the display down so that its weight is evenly distributed on top of the two ashtray assemblies.
Again, a lovely bunch, us Phaeton owners.
Image source: VW Vortex Phaeton forum
Ross Ballot 
Kamil Kaluski
Why are there buttons and letters on that Empire dresser?
Oh… that's not a dresser.
They are just pissed that they were the poor suckers that actually purchased a VW Phaeton.
Typical VW sloppy build quality. This is why they aren't a top tier manufacturer, they just push the cars out of the factory without bothering to synchronize the ash trays. "Let the dealer fix it", like malaise era Detroit.
Dear VW jihad, please don't burn me, that was obviously tongue-in-cheek.
[youtube nd5WGLWNllA http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nd5WGLWNllA youtube]
Is that the dude from Iron Chef?!
Yup. And I think he shared co-hosting duties with Seacrest during Season One of American Idol.
He's like the Peter Scolari to Tom Hanks in Bosom Buddies.
Dang. That actually makes we want a Pheaton. Thanks a lot.
Watch this, then:[youtube T0hsFwWiCOA http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0hsFwWiCOA youtube]
And compare it to this:[youtube FP-9KUkeNxc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FP-9KUkeNxc youtube]
The idea of an ashtray being just below the stereo just seems wrong to me. It reminds me of my old '97 Sentra that had pull out cup holders right below the stereo. They resulted in quite a few wet laps (and I don't mean a wet race track). This seems like you'd end up with ashes on your stereo or possibly a burnt button or two. Not really great for longevity of an electronics-heavy car.
Aah, but Herr Dr. Professor Haupt Engineer has designed that miniature chrome protector plate, visible above the ashtray, to reduce the risk. Probably impossibly exact calculations have shown that this small detail is big enough for 99,97% of owners 99,01% of time.
Oh, I didn't notice that. I'M AN EMBARRASSMENT TO MY GERMAN NAME!
Easy fix. Don't smoke in the doggone car!
Well, yes. That's what I would do. Thank goodness I quit years ago.
How about a YouTube video of ashtray races? And WTH is "BOARD PC"?
By the way, I checked my coin trays. The passenger side tray is unacceptably faster than the driver side tray.
That's a European model. My button is different. That RESET button on the bottom left is in every Phaeton. Think CTRL+ALT+DEL.
This is precisely the kind of thing that the First World Problem meme was created for.
<img src="http://i.qkme.me/3snipk.jpg" width="512">
This wins everything. Thank you!
Is there a foundation for grieving survivors we might make donations to? This is a tragedy far beyond anything ever experienced in all of human, whale and kitten experience.
Yes, please make a check out to "Hooniverse VW Phaeton Timing Belt and Water Pump Replacement Fund". It's tax deductible.
You mean timing chain. Yeah, you know, the ones (as in multiple) at the rear of the engine that require separating the engine from the trans to service them. OH YEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH.!
You mean they don't have the little gadget that allows you to separate a bicycle chain and join it back together? How quaint!
<img src="http://atomiczombie.com/tutorials/Bike%20Chain%20Basics/Figure%203.jpg" width="500">
Source: AtomicZombie.com
(Apparently there are undead beings in your Toasters)
True luxury is having one ashtray for cigarette ashes and one ashtray for cigar ashes.
Or the his/hers cigarette pack holders in the front armrest (Buick Century).
Of all of the complaining Phaeton owners, how many actually smoke inside their car?
I'll bet Stallone smokes in his. And Kim Jong-Il.
Kim Jong-Il is dead. So that makes one. And I'll bet Stallone isn't on the Phaeton owners forum. Could be wrong, but I doubt it.
Kim Jong-Il ashes maybe?
That this would be an issue people would complain about,leaves me baffled. Seriously,I thought this was a satire post.
Oh no, this is not satire. Oh, noooo.
Hear, hear!
<img src="http://www.trophies2go.com/images/productimages/Participant-Peaked-Ribbon-(qty-25).jpg">
Someone was recently telling me that the parent of another kid on her kid's basketball team thought that, instead of awarding an MVP trophy to the player who contributed the most for a win, that the team should give ALL the players an award. Guess whose kid spent the most time riding the bench.
This Phaeton fiasco strikes me as more of the same. The person in the other seat has an ashtray that opens at a superior rate to yours, so instead of personal improvement, the "fix" is to dumb the other one down to an identical level?
Besides, people who don't smoke (at least not in their cars) keep the ashtrays shut. People who use them keep them open all the time for convenience. How often do both sides open simultaneously, anyway?
When a 10 year old finds his way into your car, everything will be opened simultaneously to see which thing opens fastest.
I distinctly remember doing this, don't remember what car I was in annoyingly enough.
This post offends me. Why must you make the combative assumption that "faster" equals "superior"? This sort of typically Western Male Capitalist thinking is what's wrong with humanity. Stop trying to pigeonhole every human interaction into your testosterone-soaked categories of "winning" and "losing." When will you realize that it doesn't matter how fast we open the ashtrays of our hearts to the tobacco residue of universal love; what's important is that we do it with the selfless synchronization of social harmony.
Where did you see me say that the faster ashtray was the superior one? The slower one endures longer. Phaeton owners seek as much endurance as they can cram into an $80K Volkswagen.
Ah, but those who truly lack endurance would have bought a Continental in the first place…
Really isn't anything new- the ancient JET's A4 page had complaints the new A4 had too many lights on the dash and console. This guy counted them, and huffed about it for a week. I'll admit I had a tech chasing a squeaking turbo for 6 months.
The real issue was the POS tensioner. One guy tried to get a class action going but failed to get interest. Class action on the console lights not dimming at the same rate might have had some traction.
But do the rear seat passengers get more than one cigarette lighter?
My 1967 Imperial convertible had cigarette lighters in the door for the rear passengers.
Imagine the horror of one of the ashtrays becoming inoperable. It's a good thing they decided to make that a redundant system.
I have to say I'm upset and a bit disappointed over the fix to this problem. Removing attatchment screws so more weight bears on the ashtray frame? Really? I was hoping that there was a new bracket to better support the weight of the entertainment cluster. Or a procedure to check and calibrate the gas pressure within the ashtray damping piston assembly. I weep for the future of teutonic automotive engineering.
I think the "fix" is kinda BS too. I think it's just a way to placate the owners. I imagine the repair is effective 3% of the time.
60% of the time, it works every time.
My personal preference is a Pepsi can with about a tablespoon of liquid left in the bottom to give you that wonderful "hisss" sound when you flick the ash in.
I did that with a paper cup once and my Jeep's center console caught on fire.
Good times.
If you didn't want to light your console on fire you shouldn't have ashed into your paper cup of everclear.
Have you checked that your Phaeton can still cruise at 300km/h while maintaining a constant cabin temperature?
I'd check that if I were you, stat.
The U.S. models are electronically limited at 130 mph.
*Sad face*
At around the 1:00 mark, you can see he's going about 130 mph on a wet road.[youtube vmwSWThpX1E http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmwSWThpX1E youtube]
He also mentions that this 5.0L V10 TDI has already done 275k km (171k miles).
Thanks for the translation!
I used to go 120-130mph quite comfortably and safely in my 92 Subaru SVX. Very quiet, controlled, composed. Loved it.
I once went 113 mph in my worn-out 1959 Ford sedan. Noisy, erratic, dangerous. Loved it.
I once went probably 105 or so in a Jeep Wrangler… Never.Again.
My 244 can manage 102, at least.
That was enough.
My Cherokee only went up to 85 on the speedometer but my brother said he was doing about 115 to 120 to catch up to me.
My Cherokee didn't have brakes… and the driveshaft had issues…. I may have launched a groundhog with a perfect spiral over his car that day…
This message has been brought to you by the National assoc… screw it. Slow Car Fast Union. This message has been brought to you by the Slow Car Fast Union.
<img src="http://hooniverse.info/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Smoking_Package.jpg" width="425">
I'd be far more upset that the wood grain doesn't match.
My other assumption would be that my expectations for people of the means to own and maintain an VW Phaeton,would also have the intelligence to understand the damage they are doing when they smoke.
Also this is most likely responsible for the high suicide rate among VW Service technicians.
And I would love to hear what they call people who complain about ashtray acceleration rates.
There's an old guy I see driving around. He alternates between an AMG CL and an Aston convertible. He is always smoking his cigar, with the windows rolled UP. I can't imagine anyway wanting to buy them used.
We are all old guys,always somebody younger and wiser.
That's one of the joys of teaching. I get to assign their grades.
I'd believe that happens a lot in Phaetons. I rented an Opel Vectra in Frankfurt, and the thing reeked like four Burgermeister's had been smoking cigars in it nonstop for the past month.
Ashtrays can be used for other things! I used mine for holding parking stubs and spare change. Also gum wrappers.
Many current Phaeton owners are 2nd or 3rd generation owners and not the people of means to have bought new. And many are knowledgeable about mechanical issues and can keep them going at much lower cost than those who would rush to the dealer because the ashtray speeds don't match. Love mine, can't imagine ever having been able to drive such a car. Sorry to hear about the service techs …
If I was the tech fixing that problem I'd fill the trays to the brim and spring load the bastards. Or epoxy them shut.
I have never needed to push the defroster buttons in the Phaeton.
Can i just say, so late in the comment thread that it will never be read anyway, that this is why i love car people? A story about Phaeton ashtrays (which Tamerlane, ahem, i mean Maxichamp, put out ages ago) has comments that make me laugh AND laugh out loud on a cold January night, that normal people around me think i'm nuts, is why i care about this website (and Tamerlanes Blog) and all the community so much. More!
That means the world to me. Thanks! Comment more– here and on my blog please.
You'd be surprised. There are a few folks who monitor the 'latest comments' side bar…
It's an unavoidable fact for every car to have its quirks. I just can't understand how this tiny detail can be an issue. Why let a slow opening ashtray of all things ruin the overall vehicle?
Does the world simply not understand that each Phaeton has it's own soul? The cars heal their faults if left alone to do it. I imagine if you tested the ashtray speed disparity after a few days the Phaeton would have swapped them round just to amuse you. I note my V10 TDi LWB Phaeton is now worth 50% at least more than I paid for it, I doubt anyone anywhere will ever build such an eccentric and superb car again.
This is just too hilarious. Of all the things that could possibly be cause of complaint in this car, it had to be the ashtray?
There's only one question in my head right now – what's with all the complaints? The ash tray is a minor feature. There shouldn't be a need to make such a fuss over it.
The ash trays in my phaeton are just fine. I guess I don't have time to use a stop watch on them. I don't smoke so I use them for coins. I also just installed sommer (German Engineered) garage door openers. These are number one. Very quiet.. People complain that these are slow too. I think they are fine.