We bought this Buick almost two years ago. Thus far it has been in five races, in two different crap-can series, with eight different drivers. It is now on its second engine and it is sporting various minor improvements. Our next race is The Real Hoopties of New Jersey, this weekend, May 9th and 10th. While many teams have changed cars in that time, we, stubbornly, race the same crap-can and expect better results.
Well, not quite!


Last year our little-old-lady car received a very important upgrade in form a 3800 Series II supercharged engine, which came along with a heavy duty transmission. This came after an over-heating incident at a Lime Rock ChumpCar race. While the donor car looks good in the above pic, the truth is that it was beaten to shit and its crappy steel body was violently consumed by rust, thanks to New England’s liberal use of bath road salts in the winter. There was not even a discussion of turning that into a race car, despite the potential awesomeness of having a two-car Regal race team.
Last year’s Halloween Hooptiefest was the first race for that set-up, and while I did not participate in that race, I have been told that it’s amazing. And by amazing I mean that it no longer chokes on NHMS’s turn four incline. It is also furious enough to crack 90mph on the main straight – good thing we still have the air-restricting bench on the trunk lid to keep us in check. Raised center-of-gravity and added weight of the bench in the very rear of the vehicle of also “help” the balance.
For this race, in order to ambitiously attempt at finishing in the top ten of class B, we performed top secret-ish suspension hacks mods and weight reduction. Oddly, I was frowned upon by my teammates when I suggested removal of bench. We are trying different brake pads, as despite larger Camaro brakes, we still had brake issues on hot days. Other work included things which should increase the reliability and durability of this race car.
We are also kinda/sorta developing a race strategy, which basically consists of “stay out of the penalty box” and go slower to go faster, if that makes sense. We thought of a fuel cell, because a fast driver can drain the factory tank within two hours, but costs were prohibitive. We are also sticking with the old theme because we were too lazy to invent anything else. Given that this is Mother’s Day weekend, our inflatable sex doll will once again make an appearance, but she will no longer be dressed in my wife’s lingerie. This comes after we were told that Lemons is a family event. Right.

Last weekend TTAC and Jalopnik were battling it out at New Jersey Motorsports Park, and despite all the hype, they both kind of failed. That surprised me, given that Jalopnik had two BMWs, one with a LSx, which they didn’t prepare and probably did not pay for, at their disposal. TTAC’s Bark M. and Jack B. are known to be OMGamazing racers, but they too were crippled by mechanical issues. Let’s hope that my team of amateurs in an aged, but charming, and self-built, shitbox has better luck this week.
Come see me race! I won’t have any stickers or t-shirts to give away, and frankly I’m not very interesting to chat with, and will likely be busy, but heck, a day at a race track full of shitcars is better than one on front of a TV.
Also, I am hearing that there may be a Hooniverse West Coast Lemons race car in the near future, but you didn’t hear that from me.