Hooniverse Asks- What Company Should Buy What Car Company?

for sale
Recently there have been rumors floating around that Apple Inc. was thinking about buying Tesla. The fruity-computy company does seem to have taken more than a passing interest in the automotive world of late, opening a secret lair frequented by strange sensor-equipped minivans and lots of UPS deliveries, but would Apple/Tesla be a good mix?
This got me thinking that there are a number of car companies out there who are potentially looking for a sugar daddy, ripe for the picking as it were. There’s perennial yard sale contender Lotus, the recently resurrected DeTomaso, and of course the big dog, Ferrari, which is now a free agent, just to name some of the sportier options available for money bag shoppers. For a while it seemed like the Chinese were going to buy up all the free agents out there – taking MG, Volvo, and initially Saab, just to name a few. That doesn’t seem to have been going all that well for them, and so maybe they’ve stopped DVR’ing the Car Channel on the Home Shopping Network for a while.
That doesn’t mean that other companies couldn’t fill the void, and today what I’d like to know is what is your opinion as to what companies might make the best fit, the match made in Hooniverse heaven as it were. What do you think, who should buy who?
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33 responses to “Hooniverse Asks- What Company Should Buy What Car Company?”

  1. SZMatheson Avatar

    I like to imagine a world where Koenigsegg buys Lotus.

    1. Frank T. Cat Avatar
      Frank T. Cat

      I’d like to imagine a world where Koenigsegg had bought SAAB.

  2. Krautwursten Avatar

    Saab’s bankruptcy would’ve been a great occasion for Fuji to make a purchase and build Saabs on Subaru platforms (again) so they could tackle a more upscale market with premium Saab SUVs and wagons and leave Subaru to the boyracers and outdoorsy types with a new Brat and Baja. Just saying.

  3. PotbellyJoe★★★★★ Avatar

    Stepping out of the car company buying a car company and a regular one buying into the industry…
    I doubt we’ll see something like this because of the level of complicated and astute competency that is required to run a global automobile manufacturer (successfully) is astounding. It’s easy to sit back from our positions in the industry and say, “well If I were GM, I’d…” But the fact is that they are full of hundreds of people who are smarter, or at least better credentialed, than us who have one goal in life, making GM better and even they are having a hard time.
    So for Apple, Google, Samsung or any other company that may want to step in and try their hand at making cars, it would be more representative of their hubris than their competence.
    That being said. I’d love to see a Dell-like a la carte approach to car ordering.
    Choose your platform:
    Choose your powerplant:
    Choose your transmission:
    Choose your seat configuration:

    1. Citric Avatar

      Well Samsung has already tried their hand at cars.

      1. Kiefmo Avatar

        Looks like a Maxima.
        It is — via Renault. Killer.

        1. PotbellyJoe★★★★★ Avatar

          Infiniti I30. Same platform as the Maxima though. The grille is integrated into the hood like the Infiniti, but on the Maxima it was a standalone grille and a shorter hood.

          1. Kiefmo Avatar

            Close enough.
            My real estate agent drove an i35, and that’s the only person I’ve ever known to own one, so I now forever associate that car with heavyset, flustered postmenopausal women.

          2. PotbellyJoe★★★★★ Avatar

            The only person I knew who bought one brand new was a busy-body housewife. Her son got a G20t and the Dad had a Q45t.
            Did I mention they owned the dealership, because that part’s important.

          3. Citric Avatar

            Someone around here owns one, and I’ve never met them, but the first time I saw it I thought “Infiniti i30? Weird, someone bought one.” I hope they’re friends with the Lincoln Blackwood owner.

    2. Synchromesh Avatar

      I beg to differ. As somebody who has been in the IT field for many years there aren’t many companies I despise more than Dell. Their computers are complete and utter garbage for many reasons. The only thing I do buy from them are higher end Ultrasharp monitors, everything I wouldn’t touch. Knowing their awful quality I certainly wouldn’t purchase a vehicle from them.

      1. PotbellyJoe★★★★★ Avatar

        Oh, i get it. hence the Dell-like, more for modularity, not for quality.

      2. Sjalabais Avatar

        I second that. Bought a Dell XPS M1530 in 2007 or 2008 for the exact same money I bought my ’71 Volvo 145 for – which says more about the Volvo’s condition than about the PC, admittedly. The Dell had a ton of issues, came with a broken battery and within three years it had consumed one motherboard, three hard disks, a monitor and a keyboard, as well as some memory. I had never heard of memory failing before, but who wouldn’t want to forget? On the other hand, that abused Volvo caused substantially less trouble. A carburetor seal failed, the front wiper had a short and, embarrassingly, the exhaust fell off when I had borrowed the car to a friend. I’m almost positive though that they did do some jumping first.

  4. Vavon Avatar

    Peugeot should have bought Mitsubishi when they had the chance.
    Perfect for easy access to 4×4 tech, the Japanese market and the USA.

  5. Batshitbox Avatar

    What if Yamaha bought Hyundai? Then your motorcycle, piano, and car could be made and shipped by the same guys!
    Honda buys Mahindra and begins importing small diesel pickups and SUVs into the states… oh, and inexpensive CJ platform jeeps, also diesel. Be the end of Chrysler Fiat, anyway.
    Bentley buys Rolls-Royce, just to f*** with them.

    1. Sjalabais Avatar

      Let them all come with shiny brown paint!

  6. JayP Avatar

    LRJag gets MG/Rover back on it’s feet.

    1. Simon BiTurbo Avatar
      Simon BiTurbo

      This I want to see. While they’re at it they can poach the Triumph name off BMW and have a crack at that too…

      1. JayP Avatar

        I’ll give BMW credit if they can lay out a new TR6 with a straight 6. But they won’t until they decide the Z3 or Z2 isn’t feasible.
        BMW’s brand is too strong.

        1. Simon BiTurbo Avatar
          Simon BiTurbo

          Yeah yhey only held onto the brand now because it could be a threat.
          Saying that, i definitwly think the z series was originally meant to be a triumph revival. Just look at the similarities between the z3 and the spitfire, and the z4 coupe and the gt6.
          Plus they’re a real departure from everything else bmw made at the time, and was right around the mini revival as well…

  7. CSM Avatar

    Wow…check out the panel gaps on the K-car convert in the leade photo!

    1. Tanshanomi Avatar

      It’s funny, but I never notice panel gaps until someone else points them out.

  8. Kiefmo Avatar

    H’okay, so… Jeep never stays too very long with one parent company, correct? Thinking in that vein, who would I like to see own Jeep next?
    I want Jeep to come back stateside, and I think Ford’s portfolio is a bit wimpy when it comes to real off-roaders (apart from the Raptor, that is, which ain’t affordable), so they get it in my fantasy world.
    Ford has a fantastic selection of powertrains that I’d love to see in the aluminum-bodied Wrangler I’d expect them to build. 2.3L ecoboost base engine. 3.2L I5 diesel option. 3.5L ecoboost haul-ass option. 6-speed manuals and multispeed (what’s the next step, 10 speeds?) torque-convertor automatics across the board.

      1. Kiefmo Avatar

        Didn’t Ford also build M151s? Plenty of precedent!

    1. BЯдΖǐL-ЯЄРΘЯΤЄЯ Avatar

      Ford has bought the Brazilian Troller company that makes the T4 which is a serious off-roader with diesel engine!

      1. Sjalabais Avatar

        The love child of a Jeep and a UAZ 469? With that palm tree in the background, it even looks like having an appropriately punk haircut.

  9. Guest Avatar

    Fiat-Chrysler needs to resurrect the Cord, Auburn, Duesenberg franchise of fancy, innovative dream cars. Never gonna happen, but what if?

    1. Sjalabais Avatar

      Not entirely irrational. Chrysler is not going upscale again. Maserati and Ferrari cover the sporting crowd. Duesenberg could cover the somewhat overlapping demands of American and Chinese customers, without limiting themselves to the demands European sleekness poses. Wait…is Lancia dead yet?

      1. Krautwursten Avatar

        Sometimes I wish it was. Then again when else in history are you going to get another chance at buying a Chrysler 300 SRT-8 and slapping Lancia Thema trim on it to create both the most muscular Lancia and the least reliable muscle car of all time?

      2. Guest Avatar

        And there’s this:


        So Chrysler kinda/sorta owns the 810/812. Oh and and Checker too, since that was also, at one time, owned by E.L. Cord.

  10. JBsC6 Avatar

    VW Audi should buy alfa and if need be all of fiat..
    Or mazda fiat Mitsubishi should merge
    Toyota should buy tesla…lol

  11. Alan Cesar Avatar
    Alan Cesar

    Ford should buy Ferrari and make a Coyote-powered prancing horse, just to watch Enzo’s necrotic hand burst through the earth. That is certain to reanimate the dead.