Hello. Hooniverse’s resident tight-fisted luddite here,

We all talk about model bloat, we all moan about the fact that the Golf GTI has swollen over the years to gargantuan proportions, as if evolving specifically to serve as Pavarotti and Mr Creosote’s daily ride. Unfortunately though, this is never going to change.

With ever more complicated emissions and efficiency equipment becoming mandatory, weight savings have to be made to offset the gravity of all these bits and bobs. That’s a given. But things aren’t helped by the buying public, who insist that their car be equipped with more gadgets than The Sharper Image museum. Worse still all these gew-gaws add more than just mass; they’re murder on the pocketbook.

Read on for a curmudgeons view on what we do and don’t need in today’s cars.

MULTIMEDIA SYSTEMS

COMAND, Professional Navigation, whatever your system is called, the chances are it’s rubbish and unnecessary. No, really, it could be SO much better, and of course, it’ll be out of date in a few years. But before you go straight to the comments and decry me as an absolute cretin for being so ridiculous, I’m not even beginning to suggest that we don’t need navigation, audio or phone in our cars. What annoys me is unnecessary duplication of technology.

Put simply, if you own a smarttelephone you are already carrying around everything you could possibly need for mapping, communications and entertainment on the move. You’ve probably got a hefty music collection on there, and when that runs out you have internet streaming of whatever exotic foreign radio station you could demand. A lot of you have unlimited data allowances on your phone contract, which means you have access to an endless amount of music, film or mapping. And it’s all automatically updated.

So, what’s the point of your car carrying around another method of doing all the same stuff, but in a slightly worse way?

Instead, how about just having an amplifier and a set of decent speakers, plus Bluetooth streaming? Somewhere to mount your phone so it stays charged and you can clearly see its stunning Retina or AMOLED display. All a car needs is a way of harnessing the many services your phone can provide. Nobody (except me) uses CDs in cars any more, most decent radio content is available online, and car companies have the devil’s own time trying to stay abreast of the myriad software updates your phone will automatically receive. Every time you pair your phone with your car they’re supposed to negotiate, befriend each other and then get along in perfect harmony. This often fails because, overnight, your phone has suddenly been told (often by Apple) to speak another language.

What’s the point in even trying to persuade the two to co-exist? Instead, let the phone dominate the car. The stereo system’s only responsibility should be enabling us to hear what the phone has to say.

By the way, I know that the above will NEVER happen. I just wish it would.

ELECTRIC/ MEMORY SEATS

I’m 6’5, my fiancé is 5’5. I have legs like an oil rig, she has the legs of a beautifully proportioned yet petite lady. My driver’s seat sits in two basic positions depending on who’s driving; fully back on its runners or most of the way forward. It takes two seconds to adjust from her position to mine, perhaps three seconds to go the other way. This is with a manual slide ‘n lock system.

I set up the same two positions in the memories on a car with an electric setup. It took fully THIRTEEN seconds to switch between them. That’s time I won’t get back. I hate the idea of getting older while I’m adjusting my seat. And time is money. If I value my time at £10 an hour (I’m excellent value), that’s 3.61 pence it costs me every time I move that seat. Money I can’t afford to waste.

Furthermore, a seat with electric motors employed for the various folding and extending motions of a typical memory seat weighs approximately as much as a lion. That’s two lions worth of extra heaviness for a typically so-equipped car. Let me crank my own seat, thank you very much, rather than growing a beard waiting for it to electrically grind its way into position.

BIG WHEELS

Say we take a typical executive mid-range saloon car. A current Mercedes-Benz C-Class with the Executive SE package comes with a set of 16” Alloy wheels, with 205/55 16 tyres. You can upgrade, of course, to 17” wheels, and if you take the AMG Sport package you can have 18” of polished aluminium lurking under there. But why would you want to?

Well two reasons would be looks and performance, and I’ll bet that the former is the one that causes the majority of buying decisions. Fact is, a car ain’t even a thing without 18’s under it. If you’ve not got massive wheels under your car, there’s something wrong with your achievements in life, your status and the size of your manhood. If you can relate to any of this, I urge you to get over yourselves.

As any girl knows, sixteen inches is plenty. A set of 16”s will amply cover the braking setup on your car, plus for every degree of tyre sidewall you eliminate as the diameter increases, the trade-off is a worsening of ride quality and an increase in tyre cost. And, really, a stock C-Class is far more fun on 205 tyres that can be persuaded to let go of the tarmac than with the 255s that come with 18s. Narrow rubber makes drifting EZ, if that’s your bag. And the 205s give more than enough grip for life away from the racetrack, and a C-Class isn’t exactly track-day material anyway, really.

Oh yeah, your 18s and fat, sticky rubber will also worsen your fuel consumption and increase road noise. So, we’ll stick with the standard 16” rims, thanks.

SPORTS SUSPENSION

If you’ve opted for the AMG Sport package, the Audi S-Line pack or BMW’s “M” flavour toppings, you’re now the proud owner of a set of slightly lower, firmer road springs. Marvellous, but can you live without it?

I like a firm ride; my own Audi is an S-Line and that means pretty much the worst ride quality of all the Audi-BMW-Merc triumvirate of the late ‘90s. I’ve gotten used to it. It’s usually fine, but sometimes it gets unacceptably jiggly and, every now and again a pothole becomes a crevasse and causes me to fear that I may have lost a vertebra or two.

I do enjoy the reduction in body roll and the improvement in precision that it lends the chassis over the standard setup; my car can handle my favourite cross-country short-cuts with aplomb. But, saying that, I’d probably have just as much fun driving it if the roadholding limits were a little lower.

My big old wobbly Rover underwent absolutely no programme of rigorous chassis development on the Nurburgring, and feels none the worse for it. In fact, there’s a certain joy from heaving a totally uncooperative carcass of a car along a country road, the emphasis is less on clipping the apex, more on actually persuading the car around the corner in the first place.

So, you really don’t need sports suspension on your C-Class. Or 3 Series, Or A4. It’s perfectly OK without it.

CLIMATE CONTROL

We need Air Conditioning, of that there is no doubt whatsoever. We need heating, too, of course. A/C and Heat are often both necessary AT THE SAME TIME to warm the cabin yet keep it clear of condensation and mould. Especially in England. So, let’s have an air conditioning system for cold, dry air and a way of blending it with warm air from the heater.

That’s basically what climate control does. It takes the air-blend system which has been common for decades and digitizes it. Sensors and microprocessors measure the ambient inside and outside temperature and the inclination of the sun and compare their data readings with the operations necessary to achieve a user selected climate type. Set it to 70 degrees and all kinds of valves, flaps, motors and fans will work in unity to make that happen, in up to four separately regulated zones throughout the cabin.

Or, you could just do it yourself. If I’m a bit cold in a car with a mere A/C system, I’ll turn the heat up. And vice versa. Easy. This makes for a whole lot less complication and a load fewer buttons.

And Finally:-

XENON HEADLAMPS.

You, in my rearview mirror with your blue-white laser death beams scorching my retinas; thanks, mate. Nice one. Especially if you’re in an SUV whose headlamps are a foot higher still.

And you, approaching head on with your automatic high beam assist, with full xenon atomic brilliance right in my face for just long enough to blind me until your marvellous electronics finally drag the shutter over the burner. I used to watch the occasional after-dark rally stage, and a bank of Cibies on a Cosworth didn’t seem to do half the ocular damage back then as a set of Xenons can today.

Stop it.

(This time next week: Somebody puts sugar in my tea AGAIN)