By Hooniverse
Bristol Cars, which we discussed in minute detail on the last podcast, is undergoing a bit of trouble now. The formerly exclusive company is not only selling Bristol Cars, but Bristol Cars—that’s right, the entire company is up for auction. And it’s not just being sold to blueblooded aristocrats like their cars are: anybody with a keen interest in cottage-industry manufacturing and the stalwart dignity of Admiral Lord Nelson can become the next CEO of Bristol.
That’s right, you never have to complain about lackluster dealer service and delayed parts inventory when you own the entire company! You not only get the sweet Kensington showroom and everything in it, but also the production facilities in Bristol, the entire spare parts warehouse, the website, and the rights to the Blenheim and Fighter names. Hey, you keep buildin’ them, and somebody out there’s gonna be buying them. But if you decide to build a seven-seater crossover, however, the ghost of Tony Crook will rise up from the grave and bludgeon you with a sword cane.
Why should you own Bristol? As a special comsumer advice supplement, I’ve created a list of the advantages you can reap once you purchase you own car company. Who says we don’t do consumer advice at Hooniverse?
- Famous owners of Bristol include Tina Turner, Bono, Liam Gallagher of obscure indie band Oasis, and Jimmy Carter. By owning Bristol, you can form a pretty sweet supergroup, with Billy Carter as roadie.
- The Bristol Owner’s Club will make you a Commander of the Order of the British Empire, which carries no ceremonial merit or equivalency to the real thing but does come with a sweet BOC keychain.
- Remember that episode of Top Gear where they play soccer with Toyota Aygos? Bristol will let you do that. You can face a bunch of Aygos in your very own team of 2-ton Beaufighters, in fact. England has nationalized healthcare for a reason.
- If you can’t stand Bono, you can always take solace in the fact that his car will catch fire eventually, and maybe he’ll be trapped inside it…this time.
- Tony Crook will teach you how to do a burnout in a Blenheim. The Youtube hits are worth it for that alone.
- Kiera Knightley, Elizabeth Hurley, Gemma Arterton…I hear they have a thing for guys with long bonnets.
- Bristol owner Sir Richard Branson will invite you to his swingers parties.
- Plenty of whiskey barrel storage in the Bristol factory.
- You can rebadge the BMW 5-Series GT as the new Fighter, just for shits n’ giggles.
- The Bristol logo would look pretty sweet on your new set of monogrammed towels.
But wait, there’s more! What you will also get if you buy Bristol:
- Toby Silverton as indentured manservant, on call 24 hours a day
- The BRISTOL CARS neon sign, which can be used to spell out amusing swear words
- Unlimited copies of The Motor
- The satisfaction of singlehandedly saving Chrysler’s surplus of Viper motors
- Super Business Class on Virgin Airways (that’s when they give you free martini vouchers, then let you fly the plane)
- London City Council will let you idle your Chrysler V8 in front of an orphanage
- Your own free oil tanker every week, hijacked by Vin Diesel mercenaries from Venezuela and delivered to your house via a floatilla of Blenheim Speedsters, because you’re going to need it, trust me
- Blenheim Palace. That’s right, they’ll just give you the whole thing.
All for the low, low price of—well, who knows. Like their production numbers, Bristol wouldn’t be crass enough to divulge such pertinent information. But it’s worth it to be a part of history: lay down your bid on Bristol, and save a vaunted British institution like Tetley Tea or Royal Enfield. Just think—with that parts network, it’ll be cheaper than sending in your Beaufort for repairs.
Jeff Glucker 
Kamil Kaluski 
Anyone here taking up a collection? "Announcing the 2012 Bristol Hooniverse!" Hoonfighter?
What could go wrong?!
How hard could it be?
There are few things I want more than a company that idiosyncratic.
I would rock that like you wouldn't believe.
Those rights better include the name Brabazon, or the deal is OFF!
Well in all seriousness this is a pretty good brand. It's true the cars have been shabs for a while, but they haven't prostituted the Bristol name to cross-overs and entry-level cars; and the foul stench of exclusivity still permeates the whole works. For all the outdated rubbish they've built the Bristol name still means as much or more as Maybach, for example, and doesn't need to be literally brought back from the dead… just brought back from a zombie state. If I was Old Man Tata, I'd be all over this deal; God help us if some oligarch named Alexei gets it though.
What could go wrong??? In one, single, solitary word. Lucas.
I bet we could pool our resources and buy that company. Anyone want to setup a kickstarter project for our future “shareholders?”
I say, my dear fellow, does your Ferrari have a V10?
It doesn't? Why, even Lamborghini has one these days. How the mighty have fallen…
A V10? Nothing so plebeian! What, do I own an Audi, Ford or Dodge? Nay, for all of the Ferrari's in my collection are powered by Colombo-designed V12's! Perish the thought of anything but a 2.5 litre V12 beating beneath the bonnet of my beloved Barchetta!
At any rate, my point was that for a car that sold for the cost of a Bristol and had it's pretensions, it should have used a far more refined drivetrain. However, even if the Blenheim was powered by the old LA 360, they did use the Dodge Ram/ Viper V10 in the Bristol Fighter
If recent history is any indication, I expect their next model to be named the Bristol Bhaji.
I'll toss in a coupla quid.
In my bazillionaire fantasy world, I would have already been supplying their engines for some time, as I bought Connor Ave. during the most recent apogee of Chrysler's financial orbit (which seems to be about 15 years).
So, sure, why not. The second generation Fighter would be based on the Firepower (the MkV Viper's super-GT variation). Additionally, there would be the exclusive Bristol Hadrian, a sedan based on an ill-advised stretching of the same platform. It's rumoured that we will not sell it to Scotsmen, we refuse to comment on this.
And one could argue the Bristol engine has Lamborghini heritage.
Not unless Lamborghini worked with Chrysler during the 1960's. Remember that the Blenheim used the old LA or Magnum 360 throughout it's life while the Fighter used the LA-derived Viper/Ram V10.
Right, should have been clearer.
The Viper V10 was developed in aluminum form by Lamborghini back when Chrysler owned them.
Ford Motor Company business model ca. 1911: Any Ford worker can afford to buy the car their company produces.
Bristol Cars, Ltd. business model ca. 2011: Any Bristol owner can afford to buy the company that produced their car.
please no crossovers, but Bristol knew how to do a sports sedan right decades before anyone in Deutschland cooked up the Panamera. Case in point, the Bristol seen in the film "An Education."
I've got £25 somewhere that I'd be quite willing to chip in for such a noble cause.