By William Byrd
Howdy Hoons! I’m bringing you something a little different from my usual car-review drivel. I’m heading up to New Hampshire Motor Speedway (NHMS) on Friday for the 24 Hours of Lemons and their Halloween Hooptiefest! Only, I’ve never turned a wheel in competition. Not wheel-to-wheel competition, anyway.
i’M (not) a RacECaR DrIver!
Allow myself to establish my…self’s…uhh bona fides, because by Saturday morning they will be worth roughly nothing. I’ve got some autocross trophies. I won my local Street Touring X class many moons ago. I have done track days here and there, usually in someone else’s car. I have looked down at a Lamborghini’s speedometer as it hit close to 160 miles per hour on the straight at New Jersey Motorsports Park. A fact I have worked into more casual conversations than is strictly polite.
I also race every week in an online Gran Turismo league, where I finish pretty well. Usually higher than Kamil, who invited me to the league (and to join Hooniverse as a contributor?). That means Kamil will be the one I plan to thank, or blame, for inviting me to join the Park Bench Racing team for the 24 Hours of Lemons at New Hampshire Motor Speedway this weekend.
Here’s the thing about autocross: it’s just you against the clock. Oh, and some cones, but mostly a clock. If you clip a cone, it doesn’t try to get you back on the next lap. Track days are a friendlier version of the same thing. Other cars are out there, but everyone has agreed to wave each other by and go home with the same number of fenders. When I hit 160 in that Lamborghini, it was thrilling, but nobody was trying to take the next corner away from me.
Lemons is not that.
What is it?
You probably already know, Lemons is celebrating its 20th year. If not, you can get a sense of what it’s like in the gallery above, where our fearless leader, Jeff, went racing. Lemons is a full grid of ridiculous cars that cost about as much as a (nice) used couch, all on track at once, for two days, driven by everyone from former pros to a guy who bought his helmet last Tuesday. I would like to say I’m closer to the first group. I am not. Actually, I didn’t buy a helmet at all. I rented one, along with the suit, the gloves, and the shoes. Nothing says serious racer like a tracking number. More on that below.
My trusty steed is a 2002 Buick Regal GS. Supercharged 3800 V6. The car your uncle bought because the Park Avenue felt a bit showy. This particular one has already survived several Lemons races and has even been given a manual transmission swap.
What scares me is not the speed. NHMS is big, fast, and lined with NASCAR-style walls. But mostly it’s the mirrors and other drivers. In Gran Turismo, a little radar tells me where everyone is, and if I make a mistake, I can restart. In New Hampshire there is no radar and no restart, and the car belongs to people who might like it back in one piece. I’ll be strapped in tightly for long stints wearing a head and neck restraint that turns checking my blind spot into an act of faith.
Kamil gave me a pep talk, but it scared the hell out of me.
So my goals are modest. No black flags. No contact. Bring the Buick back with the same parts it left with. I’m setting aside everything my parking-lot trophies taught me about going quick for something else: patience and consistency. So, what am I doing to prep?
Preparation H!
Preparations A through G were failures, so…OK sorry, I’ll be serious. Honestly, I wasn’t 100% sure how to prepare for this. I won’t even be able to touch the car until the day before, and even then it doesn’t sound like I’ll get any seat time before my first stint. So I can’t really help prep the car, so I had to prep myself.
I was added to the roster a couple of weeks ago, so there wasn’t time to queue a Rocky montage and start training. Hopefully my current cardio and muscle will serve me OK during the hour-and-a-half to two-hour stints.
- Get some gear! First, I needed a racing suit, helmet, HANS device, etc. So I headed over to Race Suit Rental, and you may assume I magically got a free set sent to me in exchange for a mention on the website! No, I just paid for it. About $250 gets you all the gear in a handy bag.
- Watch YouTube. Lemons has a rookie driver video that is handy, but you’ll need more. I’ve been obsessively looking at track maps of New Hampshire Motor Speedway’s road course. There are even videos of Lemons racers out there on NHMS. If I had iRacing, I could have been practicing, but I don’t. Yet.
- Ask questions and take care of yourself. Ask lots of questions! Nothing is too stupid. Coming into the event, get lots of sleep the night before. Hydrate before and after your stints. I don’t know, stretch maybe? No sex the night before? Or…yes to sex the night before? I’ll let you know.
If I pull it off, I’ll tell you all about it next week. If I don’t, I’ll tell you about that too.
Jeff Glucker