By Jeff Glucker
Automakers love to tweet out all manner of messaging. Sometimes it’s aggressive. Other times it can be inspirational. There are times though, when an automaker reaches out and provides the perfect bit of messaging for wonderful folly. This is one of those times.
Okay.
*walks away* https://t.co/3CBW2eI0VH— Kamil (@CarGuyDad) April 22, 2019
Our man Kamil, were he to trust his intuition, would choose another vehicle. The Alfa Romeo Stelvio is a fun machine. There’s no doubt about that. But perhaps money might otherwise be spent more wisely elsewhere? Kamil thinks so.
Alfa Romeo Stelvio Quadrifoglio: The ultimate crossover… sports car?
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So many SUV’s are now basically just fat hatchbacks.
Nearly all, you mean? The trouble is, where a hatchback makes efficient use of interior space relative to the exterior dimensions, most SUVs are bloated on the outside, but feel cramped within.
Some are more like tall wagons! Usually the larger ones with more rear overhang.
That is within the realm of CUV’s, ironically often ‘proper’ SUVs have poor space utilisation because they have wheel arch flares even though the days of the base model, skinny tyre (195-205 width) are gone.
Nerd moment:
Telegraphers used a system of abbreviations and procedural signs to save time and expense (telegrams were billed by the character), one of which was “73” and it’s still used by Ham radio operators, both spoken and in Morse code. In Morse, 73 is a palindrome (dah-dah-dit-dit-dit dit-dit-dit-dah-dah), so it’s easy to recognize when you hear it. It means “Best Regards” and is generally used at the end of a conversation.
As I passed a truck with a Ham radio license plate I beeped out a 73 on the horn of my motorcycle. I have no idea if the HAM in there was a Morse code operator, they may have thought I was just a kook.
I must comment.
Kamil’s attitude towards Alfa Romeo suggests a man who likes a simple and boring life. Okay, if that’s his thing; if he wants to go through life wearing stretch-waist pants, and spend his evenings watching TV sit-coms sitting next to a drab and mousy but practical wife, so be it.
De gustibus non est disputandum.
BUT: if his main concerns in motoring are reliability and resale value well…
BAH! I say BAH to you, Sir, BAH!
Off to Toyota and the Devil with you Sir, and good riddance! I wish you 300,000 gray-upholstered monotonous miles together with nothing more exciting than regular oil changes.
Alfa, since its inception, has never been about being drab, mousy, or practical (or reliable, but more’s the point). I call your attention to the Castagna Bodied 1913 Alfa Romeo Aerodinamica: an SUV 100 years before SUV’s were cool.
Alfas are about wild and daring adventure, and experiences that soar from the very peaks of ecstasy to the dank and dark coal mines of despair. They are about living to the fullest. An Alfa is not a good and dutiful wife who will have your dinner ready each evening at
8 p.m(worker-drones eat early) 6 p.m. but a beautiful and sultry but dark-souled and moody Italian mistress who is the most exciting companion you’ll ever have, but who might just stab you in the back while you are making love to her. Some find that the joys you will experience make the sorrows worthwhile. Indeed, some whisper that pleasure is the child of pain.The man with experience of the world knows: One does not marry an Alfa, but has affairs with them. Further, one goes into the affair with eyes wide open knowing it will all soon end in tears. Still, so what? A-L-F-A means Always-Looking-For-Another. And you will get one too, because you’ll be fascinated….and addicted. Addicted to the way the engine sings as the tach swings toward the redline. Addicted to the effortless way you roll along a mountain road. Addicted to a car designed to be beautiful without a single damn being given towards practicality.
You’ll become a believer; you’ll recognize that the next Alfa will be the one. The one who gives you all the pleasures but less pain. Still, one would never want an Alfa that didn’t offer some pain and some danger along with the thrill….. because that wouldn’t be an Alfa. It might be a beautiful car, but it would have no soul. And which would you rather have, Sir? An affair with a passionate but willful woman or a sanitized plastic sex doll?
Trust the resale value.
I must comment.
Kamil’s attitude towards Alfa Romeo suggests a man who likes a simple and boring life. Okay, if that’s his thing; if he wants to go through life wearing stretch-waist pants, and spend his evenings watching TV sit-coms sitting next to a drab and mousy but practical wife, so be it.
De gustibus non est disputandum.
BUT: if his main concerns in motoring are reliability and resale value well…
BAH! I say BAH to you, Sir, BAH!
Off to Toyota and the Devil with you Sir, and good riddance! I wish you 300,000 gray-upholstered monotonous miles together with nothing more exciting than regular oil changes.
Alfa, since its inception, has never been about being drab, mousy, or practical (or reliable, but more’s the point). I call your attention to the Castagna Bodied 1913 Alfa Romeo Aerodinamica: an SUV 100 years before SUV’s were cool.
Alfas are about wild and daring adventure, and experiences that soar from the very peaks of ecstasy to the dank and dark coal mines of despair. They are about living to the fullest. An Alfa is not a good and dutiful wife who will have your dinner ready each evening at
8 p.m(worker-drones eat early) 6 p.m. but a beautiful and sultry but dark-souled and moody Italian mistress who is the most exciting companion you’ll ever have, but who might just stab you in the back while you are making love to her. Some find that the joys you will experience make the sorrows worthwhile. Indeed, some whisper that pleasure is the child of pain.The man with experience of the world knows: One does not marry an Alfa, but has affairs with them. Further, one goes into the affair with eyes wide open knowing it will all soon end in tears. Still, so what? A-L-F-A means Always-Looking-For-Another. And you will get one too, because you’ll be fascinated….and addicted. Addicted to the way the engine sings as the tach swings toward the redline. Addicted to the effortless way you roll along a mountain road. Addicted to a car designed to be beautiful without a single damn being given towards practicality.
You’ll become a believer; you’ll recognize that the next Alfa will be the one. The one who gives you all the pleasures but less pain. Still, one would never want an Alfa that didn’t offer some pain and some danger along with the thrill….. because that wouldn’t be an Alfa. It might be a beautiful car, but it would have no soul. And which would you rather have, Sir? An affair with a passionate but willful woman or a sanitized plastic sex doll?
The day Alfa marketing adapts “pleasure is the child of pain”, they are truly going all in. Outstanding defense speach btw!
That sounds suspiciously like something Filippo Marinetti or Gabriele D’Annunzio would say.
Only problem is, the Stelvio just isn’t that…
fizzy. It’s nice and all, but I don’t know if the marginal enjoyment gains are worth the marginal headaches over any other European small crossover (which, yes, absolutely have their own issues). Admittedly, the Quadrifoglio probably makes up for a lot of the averageness, but the normal I4 Alfas aren’t likely the Alfas of old.That is beautiful. I tip my hat to you sir!
Not sure if serious or a brilliant parody of every Alfa 156 owner trying to convince me their car isn’t a slightly more rubbish Mondeo class Fiat that looks nice/has a nice exhaust note and mistakes that for Alfaness. I really like the new Giulia and think the Quadrifoglio (or however you spell it) is a return to form big time, but the last “regular” Alfas I drove that felt special were my own 75 (Milano) Twin Spark I used to own or an early 146 that still had the Flat Four. Only a 1.4 and not fast at all but beautifully balanced, much like the old Alfasuds.
Yup, I’m all about putting 300,000 miles on my gray Toyota 4Runner with gray upholstery with minimum financial investment and downtime. Thx.
I grew up around shitty, finicky, Italian-ish cars. No thanks.
LOL. If your resolve weakens I’ll send you pics of the Alfa languishing in my garage.
Undoubtedly, mostly incomplete, undergoing big investments.
No. Complete but inoperative and prone to catastrophic failure every 12-18 months.
Undoubtedly, mostly incomplete, undergoing big investments.
You have to admit though, the abusive relationship metaphor does hold up very well.