Hooniverse Weekend Edition – The Best Craigslist Ad Ever….

Continuing on with our Weekend Edition, we received this tip from Muthalovin (thanks man!) about the best Craigslist Ad EVER! See if you agree…

Since the ad is well over 2 screens long, I will just post the text, with a link to the ad….

Hello Texan-Americans,
I am listing my 1979 Chevrolet Bonanza truck on Craigslist against my will. Truth be told, the truck refuses to be owned by anyone but will endure a platonic relationship for an unknown stent of time. Do not use the word relationship around this truck or it will request a new driver. Be a real man or woman while this truck is in your possession and don’t bring up things like “where do you see this going?” or “what are we exactly?” That is the quickest way to lose “Transpanionship.” That’s transportation companionship. . . Don’t bother looking it up, this truck invented the word.
A few things that you should know about the truck;
•This truck doesn’t breakdown. . . It takes smoke breaks.
•This truck pulls an infinite amount of “a%$” so it has an unlimited towing/hauling threshold.
•This truck is a hybrid. . . It burns gas and rubber.
•I lost my virginity in this truck, but the truck helped me find it.
•If gas stations are the bar, this truck only drinks well whiskey. (Cheap 87 gas)
•This truck is equipped with the earliest form of OnStar, AKA Hazard Lights.
•This truck doesn’t roll, it dictates the rotation of the earth.
•I have filed a restraining order against this truck, which it routinely ignores.
This truck will require frequent washing or be prepared to hear comments about how much it resembles Tom Selleck.
This truck was engineered by elite American Truck Specialists (Chevrolet) to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. Made in a time where trucks didn’t come with Baby Seat Anchors or Armrests. If your arms need rest, this isn’t the truck for you. Back before the times of superfluous Nancy-boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don’t get lost), leather seats (the only animal parts you will find will be stuck in the grill) or Anti-lock Brakes (Brakes that lock up are like reverse burnouts, and who wouldn’t want that?) This is as advanced as a truck was ever intended to be.
This brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a GM 350 cubic inch V8 engine that will outrun the cops (OR out pull). It has a special blood/gore resistant seat cover. The Bonanza also has an automatic transmission so if you’re being chased by Libyan terrorists, you’ll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the split window and drive at the same time. This crowning achievement of Detroit also has TWO fuel tanks, for those long runs in the middle of nowhere.
It has room for you, your dog, and the two hotties you rescued from a burning orphanage. (The children will be fine) You’ll all be sharing a spacious bench seat while listening to Steely Dan’s Greatest Hits.
My price on this American Marvel is an incredibly low $5000, but I will entertain reasonable offers. Please don’t walk up and tell me you’ll give me $3,000 for it. That’s liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let’s just say you won’t be the prettiest Cyclops at the Katy Perry concert anymore.
There are only 4000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat’s rebuilt engine. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your Machievements. (Macho Achievements)
Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it’s an uber-confident super-human powerhouse, then contact me. If I don’t answer, please leave me a message that says “I’m Dirk Diggler enough to own and operate a vehicle of this caliber”. I will review all messages with my truck and return calls of only those who are worthy of the Bonanz. (That’s Bonanza shortened to save us all time) When I return your call, we’ll talk price over a glass of Kentucky Bourbon while listening to Johnny Cash.
To sweeten the deal a little, I’m throwing in a bottle of Krazy Glue. I cover my palms with it every day before I grip the steering wheel. It’s just my way of combating the stampede of horses that takes place every time you touch the gas pedal.
1979 Chevrolet C10 Bonanza ½ ton, 2WD, Short Wheel Base Truck
The Good:
•SBC 350ci V8 (Rebuilt October 2010 w/ receipts)
oFlat-top pistons
oStock cam
oDouble roller timing chain
oHEI distributor
oEdelbrock Performer Aluminum Intake
oSean Murphey built Quadrajet Carburetor w/ functioning electric choke.
oOpen element air filter
oIt runs, idles, and accelerates perfectly. (appx 250hp/300ft lbs)
•TH400 3spd Automatic Transmission (Rebuilt October 2009 w/ receipts)
•Dual 2.25″ Exhaust (Installed May 2011 w/ receipts)
oLong tube FlowTech headers
oThrush Turbo Mufflers
•Tires — 275/60/15 BF Goodrich Radial T/A
•Rims — Resurrected 15×8 gm rally wheels w/ 3″ chrome beauty rings
•CD / MP3 / Aux In Stereo System
•12 Bolt GM Rear w/ 3.08 gearing. (12.5 city/17 hwy mpg)
•Blinkers, Horn, Brake lights, Brights, windshield wipers, etc all work.
The Bad:
•Needs paint
•Has very minor rust behind tire wells
•Needs driver side front quarter panel, light bezel, and running light cover replaced. (I got into my first fender bender which effected these areas)
•Front bumper was bent in accident as well.
•Needs carpet, I removed and trashed the old stuff that was in it when I bought it.
•Dash lights don’t work. Probably needs a new printed circuit.
•Needs new speedometer cable. Cheap fix.
•Fuel gauge doesn’t work. Cheap fix.
•Factory A/C truck missing many A/C components.
I am going to continue to fix this truck until it sells but this may alter the selling price. For now the selling price is $5000. I’m in no hurry to sell it, and it sees plenty of day to day use. Feel free to call or email me if you’re interested.
Thank you for spending part of your day here, reading my nonsense. Enjoy the rest of it.
I have attached one photo of my truck and one of me as a newborn. Clearly a match made in USA heaven. I wll add a photobucket link soon so you can see numerous pictures of the truck.

So, is that the best ad ever? See the ad here.

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  1. muthalovin Avatar

    I think it is.

  2. lilwillie Avatar

    Makes me want to call and make a offer. Except "lilwillie" isn't really the Dirk Diggler kind of name he is going to call back.

  3. Texan_Idiot25 Avatar

    That was fantastic.

  4. P. Frere Avatar
    P. Frere

    So, to own this truck you must have been MaB (Mulleted at Birth)?

  5. citroen67 Avatar

    I immediately went to the ad and put in a vote for it to appear on "best of craigslist" so that we can all enjoy that ad for all of eternity!

  6. dculberson Avatar

    I thought it was, but he used the wrong one of the stent/stint homonyms. A stent is a tube used to open up a passageway, ie in surgery. Stint is a span of time. So, the ad sucks.
    [/sarcasm just in case it's not obvious.]
    Sweet truck.

  7. CptSevere Avatar

    The guy sure as hell knows how to sell a truck. I need another truck like I need another navel, but I want the damn thing.

  8. Van Sarockin Avatar
    Van Sarockin

    I don't know if the truck has that kind of balls, but the seller sure does to ask five grand for an old truck with collision damage and indeterminate milage.

  9. dukeisduke Avatar

    Wow that's a whole lot of awesomeness. And it's in Austin, just just four hours down Interstate 35. Too bad the A/C doesn't, as it's supposed to be in the upper 90s here all next week.