The coolest Italian cars aren't red.

Why can't we have nice things?

Red Italian cars? How cliché.
In many ways, the Alfa Romeo Brera is Italy’s answer to the Chevy Monte Carlo. Blasphemy! Maybe, but bear with me for a second: the fiery Latin coupe and the perennial “Official Ride of People of Wal-Mart” have a lot more in common. The Brera isn’t the fastest car in its class. It doesn’t handle well at all. It seats four in relative comfort—two in front who still enjoy full leg circulation, two in back reliving coal mine flashbacks. It’s a behemoth bit heavy: 32-3700lbs, depending on two- or four-wheel drive models. Which explains why it’s not the fastest, or well-handling.
But it looks damn good, especially when it’s not red, and that’s all that matters.

The trunk was open: not a case of typical Italian build quality.

The Brera was designed for lookin’ good, it will make your foo’ self look good, and it will make others wish they looked that good. The original Monte Carlo looked good, too. And say what you will about the cultural trendiness of matte paint being on par with “Who Let the Dogs Out?,” but paired with matching wheels in that wicked olive green, this particular Brera will make you look damn good, just like the marketers who created the “personal luxury coupe” want you to believe.
And what’s more American than that?
I don't know what I was photographing here (lookit dat kneecap!). But even though it's dripping with carbon fiber, let's face it: you're not fooling anybody.

[Image source: The Hooniverse Italy Mega-Gallery]

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  1. tonyola Avatar

    It's a shame the good-looking Brera turned out to be something of a dog. The matte doesn't look good on this car. It really needs a gloss, even if it's not red.

  2. Jim Brennan Avatar
    Jim Brennan

    Sorry Blake, not lovin' it. If this Alfa wanted to be a personal luxury coupe, it would have to be just a bit longer, with a REAR trunk lid, no damned hatchback. Keep the "C" pillar as thick as it is, and for gods sake, give it some color….

  3. ChuckyShamrok Avatar

    God, I really hope Alfa comes back to the U.S. Even their drab pedestrian cars are sex on wheels

    1. FuzzyPlushroom Avatar

      The rolling abortions that are modern Lancias will nearly counter that beauty, I fear. Seriously, if I didn't know otherwise I'd assume Ssangyong were their truck division.

  4. Maymar Avatar

    Steve McQueen proved that statement with his 275.
    And my left brain knows the Brera is a heavy FWD hatchback. My right brain is trying to find a 2×4 to hit the left brain with.

  5. CaptainZeroCool Avatar

    I will trade my entire fleet for one of these.

  6. Mad_Hungarian Avatar

    ok, sorry, I don't get it. In front it looks like a Camaro with an Alfa grille element tacked onto the center. In back it looks like one of those fugly Acura crossovers. From the side it looks like a Chrysler Crossfire redesigned by Daewoo. Is Brera Italian for "committee"?

  7. FreeMan Avatar

    I'll admit it, I voted for seeing the pics of this. Now I'm sorry I did. The color doesn't work, the matte doesn't work, and that 'carbon' interior goes way beyond 'doesn't work'.
    Gimme nice glossy red and the world will be right again…

    1. bzr Avatar

      No refunds, all sales are final!

  8. nofrillls Avatar

    Blasphemy, indeed.

  9. Watch Avatar

    confident post, good work.

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