Speedbumps And The Modern Sports Car Enthusiast

Question for you: What’s 3 inches tall, and pisses me off? That’s right, the answer is speed bumps.
Now, don’t get things twisted, I’m not one of those Volkswagen kids with crazy camber, zero suspension travel, and frequently cracked oil pans. I am a responsible adult that enjoys driving sporty cars. My daily driver is a Porsche Boxster with 100% stock suspension, and a 1995 Audi Ur S6 with a 1″ sport spring kit from H&R, and perhaps more importantly, a 3″ cat-back 2Bennett exhaust system. When I pulled into my apartment complex this evening, there was a temporary sign stating to take caution, as they had just installed a new speed hump. In fact, they had installed two new speed humps, increasing the number of speed bumps I need to traverse to get to my garage to a grand total of three. The one that’s been there all along is maybe 1.5 inches tall, and I’ve never had any issues driving over it. The second one is taller than the first, but still causes no issues. The third one, though, is absolutely too tall.
I hate it. It’s absolute bull, and I’m about to go on an old-man-get-offa-my-lawn-rant about it. Hit the jump to join me on this journey of salacious prose against the fools that run my neighborhood!

This speed bump has been installed for perhaps only a handful of hours by the time I arrived home from work. It wasn’t there when I went to work, so all of these scrapes are brand-spankin’-new. In fact, after I got home and took the dogs for a walk, I decided to walk out and take these pictures. In the few short minutes that I was out there, I watched 8 cars traverse this ridiculous obstacle, and 6 of them scraped their exhaust/unibody weld seams. Everything that scraped was completely stock, from a Hyundai Sonata and a Honda Accord to a Prius and a new Subaru Impreza. The two that didn’t scrape? A Toyota Rav-4 and a lifted Nissan Titan. Yep, that’s the honest truth.
While I realize this is Nevada, and BroDozers have increased the average ride-height of registered vehicles in this state to probably somewhere near my kneecaps, there are some of us in this state remaining that enjoy sporty and perhaps aftermarket-lowered sports sedans, roadsters, and the occasional coupe with sporting intention. In this neighborhood alone, there is my pair of road hugging automobiles, an Evo X, a MINI Cooper S, a couple of Miata, a BMW Z3, and a BRZ that might not be able to make it over this bump without incurring at least some sort of damage. There’s also a practically subterranean Scion Xb that I see around occasionally. We may not share the same joy of driving, but we probably are equals in our hatred of this new difficulty in getting home.
I’m not exactly sure why this speed bump was necessary. I have never once thought that people were driving too quickly through our neighborhood. In fact, most people keep their speed to a respectful 10-15 miles per hour. There are very few children in this neighborhood, maybe a dozen or so kids among at least a gross of residences. I’d venture that they’re more attentive to passing cars than I am at 11PM when I’m walking to the mailbox with my nose buried in my smartphone screen.
In conclusion, I’m not exactly happy that I can’t drive my cars to my door anymore. What do you think? Am I being a whiny little baby? Should I just sell my sports cars and buy the FJ60 Land Cruiser I’ve always wanted? Should I be upset that my rent money is being spent on ridiculous things that further inconvenience the residents of this fine establishment? Give me your input in the comments below.
Side note: I don’t know what it is about companies in Reno that build these speed bumps, but there are a number of them in this town that are [The Rent Is Too GD High Guy Meme] TOO GD HIGH! [/The Rent Is Too GD High Guy Meme]. There’s one at the grocery store and another in the office park in which I work that I consistently scrape on when I’m alone, and are absolutely impassable with a passenger. Whoever you are, if you’re reading this, I’m begging you… PLEASE! STOP! IT!
All terrible cell-phone images ©2015 Bradley C. Brownell/Hooniverse, All Rights Reserved

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  1. Sjalabais Avatar

    I get your anger. Speed bumps are a favourite tool against…driving faster than people walking next to you…around here, too. There are some norms about length and height, so I just assume misbuilds like the one above are not supposed to happen. Still, they do some damage to cars, they create unnecessary noise in residential areas (people brake and accelerate around them) and the swerving that a lot of people do around bumps that do not include the whole width of the road has created lots of unnerving situations and the occasional accident with bikers and pedestrians. Here's one of my favourites:
    <img src="http://s26.postimg.org/e9oy982g7/bump.png&quot; width="600">

  2. SSurfer321 Avatar

    Contractor here. There should be some standard set by your municipality as to the design of speed humps. I would start there. It's public info so you should be able to Google it. But as this is private property, they do not have to abide by the standard. But it will give you a leg to stand on, to fight for its removal/replacement or worst case – seeking legal action for damages.
    EDIT: Found your standard of design. http://www.reno.gov/home/showdocument?id=37966

  3. OA5599 Avatar

    5 gallons of flammable liquid, and a match. Just sayin'…

  4. E28-39-60 Avatar

    Diesel fuel eats asphalt. Just pour about a quart on it every night for a week. It will be gone before you know it.

    1. Felis_Concolor Avatar

      Hm, perhaps a coordinated effort by local residents pouring their used motor oil over it will dissolve it with sufficient rapidity.

  5. $kaycog Avatar

    There are worse speed bumps.
    <img src="http://media.giphy.com/media/ZzvmSrCZS7uco/giphy.gif"width="500"/&gt;

    1. Sjalabais Avatar

      I hate when that happens. Makes the kids all vomitty.

  6. fred Avatar

    In my Mom's neighborhood they are called "Traffic Calming Devices"

  7. crank_case Avatar

    Speed bumps are just evil.
    They get installed because of the "think of the children" brigade, same people yump their minivans over them dukes of hazzard stylee because they're late picking their kids up for school, go figure.

    1. frankthecat Avatar

      "What do you mean all of my shocks are blown?! The van only has 35,000 miles!! Stop trying to rip me off!!!!"

      1. Sjalabais Avatar

        In all honesty, it was great fun to jump over speed bumps in my '71 145. Until, one day, I had to stop and go back to pick up the rear part of my exhaust.

    2. Elliott Avatar

      "Think of the children"?!? No, in some neighborhoods, rather than parenting the wild pre-teen/teen adolescents w/ their minibkes, atv's, scooters, etc. racing up and down the streets, neighborhood/homeowner associations petition the local munincipality to install speed humps. One such neighborhood has way too many humps too close together, and after traversing it one time, I swore to NEVER utilize that route again!!

  8. Krautwursten Avatar

    Germany here, what are these speed bumps you speak of? The absolute worst we get are town entry swerve isles to slow down traffic. And those can actually be fun.
    <img src="http://fs2.directupload.net/images/150129/7hh8m94d.jpg"&gt;
    Then again we struggle with historic cobblestone roads in our town centers to begin with. Some of those are like continuous speedbumps.

    1. Sjalabais Avatar

      These came into existence after I moved from Germany. Was shocked to see they multiply like rabbits and are now to be found everywhere, plotting an evil coup on common sense.
      But…they seem to work. People say that goods traffic has almost entirely moved to motorways because of the hazzle that these swerve isles are for trailers.

  9. Fred Avatar

    A lot fewer speedbumps here in the Northeast. They make it difficult to plow snow. However, I do see "temporary" ones made of rubber that are designed to be removable in winter. A terrible idea, since it means we'll probably get more of them over time. I also see "speed tables", sort of an elongated flat speed bump, which may be easier to plow over.

    1. Felis_Concolor Avatar

      I've encountered several styles of long bumps which are outstanding at regulating speed in slow neighborhoods without requiring any braking; it almost looks like a frost heave, but is set up so if you're within 5mph of the requested limit you'll experience no drama, but anything over that will cause your vehicle to dive all the way to the bump stops and beyond.

  10. Eric Rood Avatar
    Eric Rood

    <img src="http://i.imgur.com/91sn32Q.jpg&quot; width="400">

  11. RahRahRecords Avatar

    Here we have speed "humps" . About 1.5 times the height of a regular speed bump but spread over twice the width. Driving a truck or a short wheelbase car with fairly stiff suspension is ok, but I tend to scrape the exhaust on my 62 Lancer (which is only lowered by saggy springs) when I hit them, no matter the speed.