I’m still treading lightly here at Hooniverse. Not trying to wave “look at me!!” too egregiously, not trying to voice too many outrageous opinions, and certainly trying to avoid treading on the toes of the big boys. To that end; here’s my first vehicle review for this fine website.
If I had waded straight in with a McLaren or a Pagani there would have been dozens of noses put out of joint among The Management, the Bloggers and the wonderful Hoonitariat alike. Better to start off on the nursery slopes, setting my sights as low as they can possibly go. Today I bring you the “Boris” bicycle; the cheapest rental vehicle in Old London Town.
So; Two Wheels Good? Find out after the jump.
The “Boris” as it has become affectionately (or disrespectfully depending on your POV) is a bicycle offered for daily rental at any of dozens of locations throughout London. Nicknamed for Boris “acquired taste” Johnson, Mayor of the big smoke; these familiar devices are bought to the citizenship under sponsorship from the treasury; with no small help from Barclays Bank with a £25 million advertising contribution. Overall investment in the plan will total an estimated £140 million over six years. Assimilated into logical metric that equates to one f%#ktonne of money.
So what are we looking at, here? Well, it’s a bicycle and it conforms to the tried-and-tested bicycle format of rear-wheel-drive, front wheel steer with the motive power coming from somewhere in the middle. Of substantial steel monospar construction; this is a unisex step-through design of great utility, with a bungee-corded luggage rack over the front wheel. It’s built, by the way, in Canada.
The capacious saddle is adjustable for height for any increment between David and Goliath, and once installed you are confronted with a control system that’s simplicity itself. The handlebars are fixed but set at a sensible altitude and the brake levers for the front and rear hub-mounted retarders are easy to find. On the left there’s a bell, actuated via a rotary collar. It goes “Ding” in the hope that folk will take this signal to get out of the way, not get their microwave meal out of the oven.
On the right you’ll find a gripshift selector for a very simple three-speed gear system selected via derailleur. It’s a Shimano setup and shifted sweetly on the test vehicle. You also have a dynamo which powers front and rear integrated LED lighting which flashes merrily as you ride, switching off automatically soon after you stop. Also there are mudguards, because London and puddles. And a kick-stand, which I totally forgot to use.
How does it drive? Well, lets get on with the performance testing. With first gear engaged I gave it maximum attack for a stylish, girlfriend-impressing wheelie, and failed totally. This may have been because I’m absolutely hopeless at any form of stunt riding, but I like to think that it’s because this bike is heavier than some trains are. Seriously, wheelies, stoppies, endos, all are well ouside the remit of The Boris.
What if you’re not being an idiot? Well, for sensible riding things get notably better. The bike is geared far lower than you might expect so that even those with twigs for legs can produce enough torque to initiate forward motion. Third gear equates to a sensible cruise of, I would estimate, 15mph. Higher velocities send one peddling feverishly, all blurry feet and groups of children pointing and pissing themselves with barely controllable laughter.
Truth be told, you don’t want to be doing more than 15 as the brakes on the test vehicle were alarmingly crap. A firm grasp on the rear brake elicited nothing but a loud screech from behind me, the front brake was a little more constructive but still had to haul something Union Pacific heavy to a standstill. Best rule of thumb has to be to give yourself a normal Mountain Bike stopping distance, but add a thirty yard margin of safety just to be sure.
Handling? Well, it’s ponderous even by optimistically loaded shopping-bike standards. The bars are gloriously light to appease the muscle-free, but respond to every breath, breeze or head bob, causing the unskilled rider to weave precariously along. The wide, puncture resistant tyres mean racer-type agility was never on the menu, yet the smooth rubber means that traction on loose surfaces isn’t always assured. If this thing had functional rear brakes it would probably perform a mean and impressive slide.
But it didn’t.
What of comfort? Well, it’s there if you need it. For the undemanding user and anybody even vaguely sensibly bottomed, sitting down is painless. It’s also a little bit pointless. If you sit down you can’t get a lot of power down on hills so even that low first ratio is slow going. If I wanted to press on I would abandon the saddle altogether, and with it the first and second gear. Keep it in third, stand on the pedals and give it death if you want to get anywhere at all quickly.
But then you look silly. Witness the lede image to this review.
My test route was literally a lap of Hyde Park, one of the leafier things in the whole of London. This is a nice, safe environment for bike-testing as it is free of traffic and, well, this is my first time on a bicycle in a very long time indeed. One thing I will say is that I was damn glad, with the braking issues I was experiencing, that I didn’t find myself facing rush-hour traffic on this test vehicle.
In fact, on the basis of this experience I would say that wide open parks are the only environment I would wholly sanction the use of a Boris in. It really pains me to say it, but it’s all too easy to pull the entire scheme apart for this and many other reasons.
Firstly there’s the ease of use, or lack thereof. I mean, how complicated can hiring a bike be? Well, at the hire-point you must first register a credit or debit card and tell the scheme that you wish access to a bike. The Computer will then take £2 from you and say thank you very much. It will then ask if you would like a bike now? You then say “yes please” and press a button to agree with all 39 pages (seriously) of the conditions of use. It then asks for your card again, you put it in, it takes your details and starts the meter. It gives you an access code, you then stroll over to a bike on the rack, whereupon you encounter the next problem:
Vandalism. Each bike on the rack has a three-button access code system, into which the code you are given must be entered within ten minutes. Sadly, gangs of marauding bastards have seen that the buttons have been scratched and scraped and peeled so badly that you can’t make out the numbers or whether the buttons still even work at all. And then, when you do find a legible keypad it’s hit and miss as to whether your code will work. I spent 5 minutes entering my five-digit code, the first dozen or so times it decided that it wasn’t interested after the first three digits had been correctly entered, shrugging its shoulder with an officious red light. Then suddenly, green and the bike was all mine, so all I had to worry about was the next issue:
The Cost. Access to the bikes, for anybody who hasn’t registered with the scheme, is £2 for 24 hours. That’s not all, though. Actually using the bike costs you an incremental amount depending on what the clock says. It’s free for the first half hour, so if you get it back to a docking station within that time, that’s all you pay. Stray outside that timescale and you’re another £1 down. Carelessly let that time drift for another half hour and you’re £4 down. If you’re genuinely reckless and leave the bike tied up outside for six hours, that’s a staggering £35 plus your £2 access fee.
This, my first review for Hooniverse, you’ll be heartened to hear, has cost me £6. You’re welcome.
If you’re an absolute lunatic and don’t get the bike back to a docking station within 24 hours, that’ll set you back £150 through a “Late Return” fine. If you live in London and choose to register for year round access, they’ll charge you £90, plus usage. That’s a hell of a lot of second-hand bike you could buy, which brings us to my final, damning flaw with the scheme:
Other Bikes Exist. Seriously, eBay, Craigslist and Gumtree are full of sensibly-priced second hand bikes. For not a lot of money you could buy a terrible old bike and have it up and running as a London hack which you’d probably enjoy a hell of a lot more than the heavy, slow, cumbersome Boris. You can insure it against theft, customise it, whatever. Treat it like shit; it’s yours, you can. It’ll never cost you any more than you paid for it. If you have literally any interest in cycling this is what you will have already done. If you have no interest in cycling but need a way of getting from point A to point B, might I send you in the direction of a Bus or one of Londons numerous and famed Underground Trains?
So, if reviews should end with a rating, then lets say 10/10 to Transport For London for having their heart in the right place. I’ll give 5 out of 10 to the bike for fulfilling the essential basic role of Being A Bike, but feel that I can only award 30% for there actually being any point in the whole thing in the first place.
Sorry Boris.
(Disclaimer: Mayor Boris Johnson had me helicoptered directly to Hyde Park, where I was plied with champagne and Hors d’oeuvre until I could barely move; before being put up overnight, no expense spared, in the Presidential Suite of the Mandarin Oriental. Despite all this, I have remained impartial*)
*This was all a lie.
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