By Antti Kautonen
For a number of years after it got built in Flat Rock, this 1998 Mazda 626 undoubtedly lived a sedate life. Forest green paint, beige cloth interior, the works. Then, somewhere in the not-too-distant past, it seems to have been acquired by someone possessed by the Devil’s tasteless idiot brother, and this is the end result.
I don’t even know what is the weirdest, most offensive thing about it. Click on through to see it in its horrible entirety.
For starters, there’s the Monster energy drink logo on the hole that used to be the grille. Underneath it is an elongated jaw made out of Silly Putty and chicken wire, and the drooping bumper most likely scrapes on everything.
The glass on the car has been replaced by plexiglas, because the roof has been chopped to a shape that looks like a ruined hat. I don’t expect it to be symmetrical, or for the windows to hold water.
The wheels are… something. They are green. Tires haven’t been removed before painting, just like nothing on the car has been removed before painting.
Most of the dashboard has been formed into a sculpture that consists of centrally-relocated gauge cluster resprayed in Monster Green, undoubtedly after huffing too much of said green paint. Good job it says CUSTOM in the dashboard in manic scrawling, so no-one would mistake it with a STOCK interior.
There are speakers, and I expect one of them to produce static and all of the rest to remain silent.
The door panel is the only thing left stock in the thing, along with the plastic door jamb kick plate. Those two things I like. There’s something resembling a roll cage, probably to keep the roof from caving in. The airbag wheel has been replaced by a chain-link steering wheel. This kills the crab.
You also get a red harness to wave out of the door, because it doesn’t seem to be strapped into anything. It’s like a torture chamber for crash victims in there.
The blob-like Mazda has been covered in black matte paint made out of molten Tampa Bay Lightning hockey pucks, and there’s a skeleton peeking out from where the exhaust probably used to be.
The entire vehicle is an abomination, except for one single thing: it seems to be stick-shift. This means the car doesn’t have the self-destroying Ford CD4E automatic transmission, so it actually is a more sensible buy than most 626:s on the road. For $4000, it’s yours.
See the listing over at Tampa Craigslist
Jeff Glucker
<img src="http://img.pandawhale.com/14459-Nathan-Fillion-speechless-gif-eGOv.gif" width="600">
Please accept my apologies. I live in the Tampa Bay area, and was sadly unable to kill this with fire. Insert Bugs Bunny sawing off Florida gif.
While we're ahead…
<img src="http://i.imgur.com/O7jaMBt.gif">
You just took away the best part of the country.
So it's a really ratty lead sled based on a Mazda. Eh, at least it's creative.
The only redeeming trait I can find is that all traces of Mazda badges or the like are absent. Hence – I have a diminished worry about the value of my Mazda being lowered by this atrocity.
I'm kind of freaked that that thing isn't surrounded by cartoon houses.
*Puts on Florida glasses……okay it makes sense now
<img src="http://i.imgur.com/GW416x2.gif">
<img src="http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j129/hoopd87/images_zps8d4406b7.jpg" width=500>
Can anyone explain to me the attraction of plastering Monster crap all over your car, or in this case redesigning your car around a drink? I get it when people like a sports team enough to reflect that with their car. It's not me, but I get it. I get it when girls (mostly) want to get all cutesy with their cars and paint them like lady bugs or put eyelashes over the headlights. Again, it's not me, but I get it.
I don't get the whole Monster thing. It's a drink. That doesn't taste all that good. That makes you feel like you're going to have a heart attack. That probably will make you have a heart attack in ten years. That has made some people have heart attacks.
I'm not some old curmudgeon either, I'm 26, so at the worst I'm a young curmudgeon. I'm the same age as some of the people doing this stuff.
I don't get it.
I blame Ken Block.
I've been wondering this since the fad started. The best reasoning I can come up with is that it's kinduva cool logo, and the color combo
iswas unique and bold.Otherwise, yeah… Ken Block…
You do not know the correct meaning of the word "curmudgeon".
From dictionary.com:
"noun :a bad-tempered, difficult, cantankerous person."
Yep, that's pretty much what I was going for. So please enlighten me, what is the correct meaning?
The wheels look like marijuana leaves to me, although I suspect far more powerful hallucinogens were involved in this abomination.
To me they look like the visual shibboleth of the incurious hipster, The Nautical Star Tattoo
<img src="http://fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/229/0/3/nautical_star_tattoo_by_enokisoju-d5bee6y.jpg" width=400>
…only way more bitchin' 'cause they look like ninja throwing stars too dude.
I don't always agree with what some guys do to their vehicles, but I don't call them crap. This is crap.
I heard on the internets today that you collect crap… Is this part of your collection too?
;D There's bad crap and good crap. This "vehicle" is bad crap. I collect good crap.
I actually give them credit for originality and trying, looks bad but still hey good job
I'm with you. As much as I wouldn't do it or drive it, I can't hate.
Oh. A 626 Kronos.
First comment sums it up, without saying a word.
Oh, and Because Florida.
I'd say, "Kill it with Fire," but that would be too good for this monstrosity.
Instead, Run over it with a Tank. Repeatedly. Then blow up the remains with C4.
Better nuke it from orbit, just to be sure.
<img src="http://farm3.staticflickr.com/2351/2035778449_14479c0d78_o.jpg" width="500">
TETSUOOOOO!
KANEDAAAAAA!
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lk8j6qmj7K1qzu5wc….
And yet it doesn't look too much different from the Dodge Caliber parked behind it. Nice job, Chrysler!
The roofline is clearly Chrysler 300.
I'll tell you exactly what the most offensive thing about it is: This monster got rid of the oscillating "swing" vents!
<img src="http://i.imgur.com/rxFQvci.jpg">
<img src="http://i.imgur.com/r0AYH.gif">
<img src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me6coohMnN1ro9wbbo1_400.gif">
And here I was thinking nothing was ever going to be worse than the Dragon Vette.
Well, I been wrong before.
<img src="http://www.corvetteblogger.com/images/content/032910_10b.jpg">
Holy $*%&$ ..
I'll say this, it would be really, really fun to demolish, or to cut apart and turn into a sandrail or something.
I have to wonder, when I bought my first golf (a 91 with 400,000km) I installed a cd player, and a set of old audi 15" wheels. I thought I was doing pretty well for a two bill investment.
When I moved up to a 96 golf I went a little further. A pair of 10" subs, a deck, couple component speakers. Lowered it with a proper cup kit, and did a jetta front end swap. Later I did paint, with some guidance from a friend father. I learnt a lot with that car before I noticed the floor had checked out.
Third car I started with a bare shell. This cars owner however didn't step in lightly. There seems to be people like this, immune from the idea of looking before you leap. This realisation isn't what makes me wonder though. What I'm really curious about is if this is some young car enthusiasts first attempt then is it possible that he learnt a hell of a lot more then I did. It is said you learn best from mistakes and if that's the case this fellow may not be a genius yet but he has to be getting pretty bright. I guess I just want to find a couple people who've built cars like this and use them as a sample pool to see if in 5-10 years their fabrication and mechanical skill will finally catch up with what they can see in their head and if they actually ever build something awesome.
I just realized, when he chopped the roof, to resolve the issue of the windows, he simply rolled them down and filled in the gap with…. something….
I don't even want to try to understand what I'm looking in that picture showing the B-pillar…
The finishing touch.
<img src="http://i.tfcdn.com/img2/o-AVJDUAY6rN4mZITiwqZsgoKSmw0tcvLy_XK87JTM4GCuol5-fqFxTlp5QmlxTrWxqZGhiY6GUVpAMA/fyVMtP8A" width="200">
This is the only time I've ever considered the Caliber to be an attractive car.
I'd always assumed (or at least hoped) that the LeMons illustrated guide was exaggerated for comic effect.
<img src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8124/8679560952_fbe401acbb_z.jpg" width="550">
Nope.
Well, at least it's painted green.
What's most disturbing is just how many hours were spent to get it to this point.
Oh, believe me; You can spend a lot (I said a lot!) of hours on something and still have it look like it was raped by a gorilla in the LaBrea Tar Pits. Don't even go in my garage!
This, though, looks like it was done by committee. Prolly a lot of man hours, but it could have happened in a weekend. In suburbia, with a bunch of caffeine. Some bros.
That made me think of the Rice-Rice Challenge at HyperFest. All makes sense now.
Was thinking that the Monster theme was wrong, since it was probably Four Loko that brought forth this thing.
It looks like someone took the clay model for a rejected version of the 300 M, tried to spice it up with a body kit, then left it in the sun to long to melt.
Arguably the only cool thing about generation of 626.
I've never done it (and I admit, I really want to try) but I've heard it's a hell of a job to chop a top. Cred for trying and apparently getting something back together.
…after that…well, c'mon..
Are those running boards from a truck?!?
You know, i could try and make fun of him all i want….. but hes done….. i dont have anything thats done. never have and probably never will. 🙁
I am appalled at the lack of understanding that is being shown to this one of a kind creation.
Countless hours,countless rolls of chicken wire, many cans of Bondo.
And still no love.
Joe King…………………………….
<img src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lj5va1AYEe1qz5q5oo1_500.jpg"> Hans retired to FL but sadly his mind went in his old age.
Also disappointed that "This kills the crab" is not a Finnish idiom.
Tämä tappaa ravun.
The worst thing about this car is that its owner is allowed to vote.
What should be considered is somebody had a vision and this is it.
A car loving guy worked long and hard to realize his vision.
Because his vision does not match your concept of cool
Does not give any of you the right to judge.
dunno enough about who you are to be sure, but i'm taking a guess and saying you are either the builder/seller of this car, related to him, or you have an equally monstrous blob of shit in your garage you're hoping to sell for 1000x its value someday.
or you're Ken Block.
none of the above would surprise me.
the point is, there's bad and then there's objectively BAD. this is the latter. if you can explain the merits of ANY single design point or its execution, i would gladly attempt to listen.
I fear for human kind.
The Gawker commenters have arrived.