Monstrously modified Mazda 626 is the worst thing you've seen today

Antti Kautonen

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For a number of years after it got built in Flat Rock, this 1998 Mazda 626 undoubtedly lived a sedate life. Forest green paint, beige cloth interior, the works. Then, somewhere in the not-too-distant past, it seems to have been acquired by someone possessed by the Devil’s tasteless idiot brother, and this is the end result.

I don’t even know what is the weirdest, most offensive thing about it. Click on through to see it in its horrible entirety.

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For starters, there’s the Monster energy drink logo on the hole that used to be the grille. Underneath it is an elongated jaw made out of Silly Putty and chicken wire, and the drooping bumper most likely scrapes on everything.

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The glass on the car has been replaced by plexiglas, because the roof has been chopped to a shape that looks like a ruined hat. I don’t expect it to be symmetrical, or for the windows to hold water.

The wheels are… something. They are green. Tires haven’t been removed before painting, just like nothing on the car has been removed before painting.

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Most of the dashboard has been formed into a sculpture that consists of centrally-relocated gauge cluster resprayed in Monster Green, undoubtedly after huffing too much of said green paint. Good job it says CUSTOM in the dashboard in manic scrawling, so no-one would mistake it with a STOCK interior.

There are speakers, and I expect one of them to produce static and all of the rest to remain silent.

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The door panel is the only thing left stock in the thing, along with the plastic door jamb kick plate. Those two things I like. There’s something resembling a roll cage, probably to keep the roof from caving in. The airbag wheel has been replaced by a chain-link steering wheel. This kills the crab.

You also get a red harness to wave out of the door, because it doesn’t seem to be strapped into anything. It’s like a torture chamber for crash victims in there.

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The blob-like Mazda has been covered in black matte paint made out of molten Tampa Bay Lightning hockey pucks, and there’s a skeleton peeking out from where the exhaust probably used to be.

The entire vehicle is an abomination, except for one single thing: it seems to be stick-shift. This means the car doesn’t have the self-destroying Ford CD4E automatic transmission, so it actually is a more sensible buy than most 626:s on the road. For $4000, it’s yours.

See the listing over at Tampa Craigslist

 

About

Antti Kautonen

Antti Kautonen

The resident Finn of Hooniverse. Owns old Peugeots and whatnot, writes long thinkpieces on unloved cars. These two facts might be related.

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59 responses to “Monstrously modified Mazda 626 is the worst thing you've seen today”

  1. CABEZAGRANDE Avatar
    CABEZAGRANDE

    <img src="http://img.pandawhale.com/14459-Nathan-Fillion-speechless-gif-eGOv.gif&quot; width="600">

    Reply
    1. stigshift Avatar
      stigshift

      Please accept my apologies. I live in the Tampa Bay area, and was sadly unable to kill this with fire. Insert Bugs Bunny sawing off Florida gif.

      Reply
      1. LEROOOY Avatar
        LEROOOY

        While we're ahead…
        <img src="http://i.imgur.com/O7jaMBt.gif"&gt;

        Reply
        1. BobWellington Avatar
          BobWellington

          You just took away the best part of the country.

          Reply
  2. pj134 Avatar
    pj134

    So it's a really ratty lead sled based on a Mazda. Eh, at least it's creative.

    Reply
  3. Ryan Lawrence Avatar
    Ryan Lawrence

    The only redeeming trait I can find is that all traces of Mazda badges or the like are absent. Hence – I have a diminished worry about the value of my Mazda being lowered by this atrocity.

    Reply
  4. Rust-MyEnemy Avatar
    Rust-MyEnemy

    I'm kind of freaked that that thing isn't surrounded by cartoon houses.

    Reply
  5. Neen85 Avatar
    Neen85

    *Puts on Florida glasses……okay it makes sense now

    Reply
    1. BlackIce_GTS Avatar
      BlackIce_GTS

      <img src="http://i.imgur.com/GW416x2.gif"&gt;

      Reply
  6. RichardKopf Avatar
    RichardKopf

    <img src="http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j129/hoopd87/images_zps8d4406b7.jpg&quot; width=500>

    Reply
  7. danleym Avatar
    danleym

    Can anyone explain to me the attraction of plastering Monster crap all over your car, or in this case redesigning your car around a drink? I get it when people like a sports team enough to reflect that with their car. It's not me, but I get it. I get it when girls (mostly) want to get all cutesy with their cars and paint them like lady bugs or put eyelashes over the headlights. Again, it's not me, but I get it.
    I don't get the whole Monster thing. It's a drink. That doesn't taste all that good. That makes you feel like you're going to have a heart attack. That probably will make you have a heart attack in ten years. That has made some people have heart attacks.
    I'm not some old curmudgeon either, I'm 26, so at the worst I'm a young curmudgeon. I'm the same age as some of the people doing this stuff.
    I don't get it.

    Reply
    1. krazykarguy Avatar
      krazykarguy

      I blame Ken Block.

      Reply
    2. Scandinavian Flick ★ Avatar
      Scandinavian Flick ★

      I've been wondering this since the fad started. The best reasoning I can come up with is that it's kinduva cool logo, and the color combo is was unique and bold.
      Otherwise, yeah… Ken Block…

      Reply
    3. jbaustian Avatar
      jbaustian

      You do not know the correct meaning of the word "curmudgeon".

      Reply
      1. danleym Avatar
        danleym

        From dictionary.com:
        "noun :a bad-tempered, difficult, cantankerous person."
        Yep, that's pretty much what I was going for. So please enlighten me, what is the correct meaning?

        Reply
  8. Slow_Joe_Crow Avatar
    Slow_Joe_Crow

    The wheels look like marijuana leaves to me, although I suspect far more powerful hallucinogens were involved in this abomination.

    Reply
    1. Batshitbox Avatar
      Batshitbox

      To me they look like the visual shibboleth of the incurious hipster, The Nautical Star Tattoo
      <img src="http://fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/229/0/3/nautical_star_tattoo_by_enokisoju-d5bee6y.jpg&quot; width=400>
      …only way more bitchin' 'cause they look like ninja throwing stars too dude.

      Reply
  9. $kaycog Avatar
    $kaycog

    I don't always agree with what some guys do to their vehicles, but I don't call them crap. This is crap.

    Reply
    1. Vavon Avatar
      Vavon

      I heard on the internets today that you collect crap… Is this part of your collection too?

      Reply
      1. $kaycog Avatar
        $kaycog

        ;D There's bad crap and good crap. This "vehicle" is bad crap. I collect good crap.

        Reply
  10. RobbyDeGraff Avatar
    RobbyDeGraff

    I actually give them credit for originality and trying, looks bad but still hey good job

    Reply
    1. pj134 Avatar
      pj134

      I'm with you. As much as I wouldn't do it or drive it, I can't hate.

      Reply
  11. boostedlegowgn Avatar
    boostedlegowgn

    Oh. A 626 Kronos.

    Reply
  12. krazykarguy Avatar
    krazykarguy

    First comment sums it up, without saying a word.
    Oh, and Because Florida.

    Reply
  13. CherokeeOwner Avatar
    CherokeeOwner

    I'd say, "Kill it with Fire," but that would be too good for this monstrosity.
    Instead, Run over it with a Tank. Repeatedly. Then blow up the remains with C4.

    Reply
    1. vroomsocko Avatar
      vroomsocko

      Better nuke it from orbit, just to be sure.
      <img src="http://farm3.staticflickr.com/2351/2035778449_14479c0d78_o.jpg&quot; width="500">

      Reply
      1. ToLiveNDieInNJ Avatar
        ToLiveNDieInNJ

        TETSUOOOOO!

        Reply
        1. dr zero Avatar
          dr zero

          KANEDAAAAAA!

          Reply
  14. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lk8j6qmj7K1qzu5wc….

    Reply
  15. Number_Six Avatar
    Number_Six

    And yet it doesn't look too much different from the Dodge Caliber parked behind it. Nice job, Chrysler!

    Reply
    1. pj134 Avatar
      pj134

      The roofline is clearly Chrysler 300.

      Reply
  16. Scandinavian Flick ★ Avatar
    Scandinavian Flick ★

    I'll tell you exactly what the most offensive thing about it is: This monster got rid of the oscillating "swing" vents!
    <img src="http://i.imgur.com/rxFQvci.jpg"&gt;

    Reply
  17. Scandinavian Flick ★ Avatar
    Scandinavian Flick ★

    <img src="http://i.imgur.com/r0AYH.gif"&gt;

    Reply
  18. wisc47 Avatar
    wisc47

    <img src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me6coohMnN1ro9wbbo1_400.gif"&gt;

    Reply
  19. Irishzombieman☆ Avatar
    Irishzombieman☆

    And here I was thinking nothing was ever going to be worse than the Dragon Vette.
    Well, I been wrong before.
    <img src="http://www.corvetteblogger.com/images/content/032910_10b.jpg"&gt;

    Reply
    1. nutzforautos Avatar
      nutzforautos

      Holy $*%&$ ..

      Reply
  20. FuzzyPlushroom Avatar
    FuzzyPlushroom

    I'll say this, it would be really, really fun to demolish, or to cut apart and turn into a sandrail or something.

    Reply
  21. 1slowvw Avatar
    1slowvw

    I have to wonder, when I bought my first golf (a 91 with 400,000km) I installed a cd player, and a set of old audi 15" wheels. I thought I was doing pretty well for a two bill investment.
    When I moved up to a 96 golf I went a little further. A pair of 10" subs, a deck, couple component speakers. Lowered it with a proper cup kit, and did a jetta front end swap. Later I did paint, with some guidance from a friend father. I learnt a lot with that car before I noticed the floor had checked out.
    Third car I started with a bare shell. This cars owner however didn't step in lightly. There seems to be people like this, immune from the idea of looking before you leap. This realisation isn't what makes me wonder though. What I'm really curious about is if this is some young car enthusiasts first attempt then is it possible that he learnt a hell of a lot more then I did. It is said you learn best from mistakes and if that's the case this fellow may not be a genius yet but he has to be getting pretty bright. I guess I just want to find a couple people who've built cars like this and use them as a sample pool to see if in 5-10 years their fabrication and mechanical skill will finally catch up with what they can see in their head and if they actually ever build something awesome.

    Reply
  22. Scandinavian Flick ★ Avatar
    Scandinavian Flick ★

    I just realized, when he chopped the roof, to resolve the issue of the windows, he simply rolled them down and filled in the gap with…. something….
    I don't even want to try to understand what I'm looking in that picture showing the B-pillar…

    Reply
  23. vroomsocko Avatar
    vroomsocko

    The finishing touch.
    <img src="http://i.tfcdn.com/img2/o-AVJDUAY6rN4mZITiwqZsgoKSmw0tcvLy_XK87JTM4GCuol5-fqFxTlp5QmlxTrWxqZGhiY6GUVpAMA/fyVMtP8A&quot; width="200">

    Reply
  24. vroomsocko Avatar
    vroomsocko

    This is the only time I've ever considered the Caliber to be an attractive car.

    Reply
  25. mdharrell Avatar
    mdharrell

    I'd always assumed (or at least hoped) that the LeMons illustrated guide was exaggerated for comic effect.
    <img src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8124/8679560952_fbe401acbb_z.jpg&quot; width="550">
    Nope.
    Well, at least it's painted green.

    Reply
  26. Garland137 Avatar
    Garland137

    What's most disturbing is just how many hours were spent to get it to this point.

    Reply
    1. Batshitbox Avatar
      Batshitbox

      Oh, believe me; You can spend a lot (I said a lot!) of hours on something and still have it look like it was raped by a gorilla in the LaBrea Tar Pits. Don't even go in my garage!
      This, though, looks like it was done by committee. Prolly a lot of man hours, but it could have happened in a weekend. In suburbia, with a bunch of caffeine. Some bros.

      Reply
      1. Garland137 Avatar
        Garland137

        That made me think of the Rice-Rice Challenge at HyperFest. All makes sense now.

        Reply
      2. Irishzombieman☆ Avatar
        Irishzombieman☆

        Was thinking that the Monster theme was wrong, since it was probably Four Loko that brought forth this thing.

        Reply
  27. FЯeeMan Avatar
    FЯeeMan

    It looks like someone took the clay model for a rejected version of the 300 M, tried to spice it up with a body kit, then left it in the sun to long to melt.

    Reply
  28. stigshift Avatar
    stigshift

    Arguably the only cool thing about generation of 626.

    Reply
  29. nutzforautos Avatar
    nutzforautos

    I've never done it (and I admit, I really want to try) but I've heard it's a hell of a job to chop a top. Cred for trying and apparently getting something back together.
    …after that…well, c'mon..

    Reply
  30. Lou Hall Avatar
    Lou Hall

    Are those running boards from a truck?!?

    Reply
  31. desolit Avatar
    desolit

    You know, i could try and make fun of him all i want….. but hes done….. i dont have anything thats done. never have and probably never will. 🙁

    Reply
  32. Wolfie Avatar
    Wolfie

    I am appalled at the lack of understanding that is being shown to this one of a kind creation.
    Countless hours,countless rolls of chicken wire, many cans of Bondo.
    And still no love.
    Joe King…………………………….

    Reply
  33. ˏ♂ˊ mzs zsm msz esq Avatar
    ˏ♂ˊ mzs zsm msz esq

    <img src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lj5va1AYEe1qz5q5oo1_500.jpg"&gt; Hans retired to FL but sadly his mind went in his old age.
    Also disappointed that "This kills the crab" is not a Finnish idiom.

    Reply
    1. julkinen Avatar
      julkinen

      Tämä tappaa ravun.

      Reply
  34. bzr Avatar
    bzr

    The worst thing about this car is that its owner is allowed to vote.

    Reply
  35. Wolfie Avatar
    Wolfie

    What should be considered is somebody had a vision and this is it.
    A car loving guy worked long and hard to realize his vision.
    Because his vision does not match your concept of cool
    Does not give any of you the right to judge.

    Reply
    1. goatmonsterman Avatar
      goatmonsterman

      dunno enough about who you are to be sure, but i'm taking a guess and saying you are either the builder/seller of this car, related to him, or you have an equally monstrous blob of shit in your garage you're hoping to sell for 1000x its value someday.
      or you're Ken Block.
      none of the above would surprise me.
      the point is, there's bad and then there's objectively BAD. this is the latter. if you can explain the merits of ANY single design point or its execution, i would gladly attempt to listen.

      Reply
  36. BobWellington Avatar
    BobWellington

    I fear for human kind.

    Reply
  37. Wolfie Avatar
    Wolfie

    The Gawker commenters have arrived.

    Reply