Hooniverse Asks- What's The Best Car Joke You've Ever Heard?

A guy was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way.  Although there was room to pass easily, the driver forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted ‘Pig’ .  The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at the receding car.  Then his car hit the pig.
Jokes. It’s what separates us from the Puritans. Jokes also keep our email in-boxes full and help us deal with tragedy –

“Bad news, it’s going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good news is they think now that the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps.” —David Letterman

Some jokes elicit a faint smile, some an uncontrolled guffaw, and many, a roll of the eyes and a groan. But what of jokes about cars and driving? As long as there have been cars there have been jokes about them. Some are simply reinventions of other non-automotive jokes, with relevant phrases inserted here and there, while others are created out of events of the day – flaming Pinto anyone?
Y’all are a funny bunch, and you must know some good car and driving related jokes. How about the one about the woman who buys an old British sports car, and when it stops suddenly she calls AAA, not having any experience with the touchy beasts. The mechanic arrives and takes a look under the hood. “Ah, that’s got it.” he exclaims after a few minutes. “What’s the problem?” she asks. “No big deal, just crap in the carburetor.” “Oh?” she says, “How many times a week should I do that?”
Okay,  you can do better than that, so whatchagot?
Image sources: [About.com, Motifake.com]

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36 responses to “Hooniverse Asks- What's The Best Car Joke You've Ever Heard?”

  1. Dr_Dangerously Avatar

    This old guy was driving down the freeway and his phone rang. He answered and heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!”
    “Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

  2. Alff Avatar

    Hyundai Excel

    1. Maymar Avatar

      So a guy walks up to the parts counter, says "I want two wiper blades for my Hyundai Excel." Parts guy says "sounds like a fair trade."
      How do you double the value of your Lada? Full tank of gas?
      Why does the Yugo have a heated rear window? To keep your hangs warm while you push.

      1. ptschett Avatar

        Q. Why did British Leyland never manufacture televisions?
        A. They couldn't figure out how to make them leak oil.
        Q. Why do the British drink their beer warm?
        A. Lucas made their refrigerators.

      2. dr zero Avatar

        I had a friend who sold his car for $20. With a $30 full tank of petrol.

  3. SSurfer321 Avatar

    Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
    > your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story
    > of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Walmart, only to have
    > their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to
    > carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
    > The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
    > On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
    > under the chassis.
    > Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private
    > parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment,
    > she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and
    > tucked everything back into place.
    > On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself
    > staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
    > The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

  4. SSurfer321 Avatar

    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
    their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown
    and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I
    came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him
    and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"?
    He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a"Nazi."
    He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
    So I called him a "donut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came down town on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

  5. SSurfer321 Avatar

    A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
    We all looked at each other, and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
    She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
    The mechanic gave the blonde a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
    He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
    She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
    <img src=""&gt;

  6. P161911 Avatar

    Late one Friday afternoon an old man walks into a Mercedes dealership with a very attractive young blond on his arm. As the salesman approaches the old man says that he would like to a very special car for his new girlfriend. The salesman suggests a SLK, old man says "No she deserves something more special than that." The blond just beams and giggles. The salesman then points out the the SL convertible. The old man says "No she deserves something a little more special than that". The old man points to the roped off brand new SLS in the center of the showroom "How about that car?" The salesman says "That car is $250,000!" The blond is giggling even more. Old man: "I'll take it. Will you take a check?" Salesman says "Of course but we will have to verify the funds and all the banks are closed until Monday." Old man says "No problem, we will pick it up on Monday." The blond is beside herself and hugs the old man even tighter.
    Monday morning the salesman call the old man "That check you gave me is no good!" Old Man "I know, but let me tell you about my weekend!"

  7. SSurfer321 Avatar

    Oil change instructions for women:
    1 Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
    2 Drink a cup of coffee.
    3 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
    Money spent:
    Oil change $20
    Coffee $1
    Total $21.00
    Oil change instructions for men:
    1 Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50
    2 Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20 and drive home.
    3 Drink a beer.
    4 Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    5 Find them under kids pedal car.
    6 In frustration, drink another beer.
    7 Place drain pan under engine.
    8 Look for 9/16 box end wrench
    9 Give up and use crescent wrench
    10 Unscrew drain plug
    11 Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process….cuss.
    12 Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil
    13 have another beer while watching oil drain
    14 Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench
    15 Give up, crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through filter and twist off
    16 Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink beer.
    17 Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
    18 Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine
    19 Remember drain plug from step 11.
    20 Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan
    21 drink beer
    22 discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill
    23 Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill drink beer
    24 Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eye. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame
    25 Begin cussing fit
    26 Throw stupid crescent wrench
    27 Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit mud bog trophy.
    28 beer
    29 clean up hands and bandage as required to stop flow of blood
    30 beer
    31 dump in 5 quarts of fresh oil
    32 beer
    33 lower car from jack stands
    34 Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps
    35 beer
    36 Test drive car
    37 Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence
    38 Car gets impounded
    39 Call loving wife, make bail
    40 12 hours later, get car from impound yard
    Money spent:
    Parts $50
    DUI $2500
    Impound fee $75
    Bail $1500
    Beer $20
    Total $4145
    But you know the job was done right!!!!!

  8. engineerd Avatar

    The best one I heard recently:
    While 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
    The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
    To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
    'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
    'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
    The cop stammered, 'A what?'
    'A rectum stretcher!'
    'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
    'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work
    my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in
    I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
    but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
    'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked
    ' You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…'

  9. Feds_II Avatar

    I used to work as a cop, and one day, while patroling a rural road, a car comes flying toward me, easily twice the speed limit, right down the middle of the road.
    I take evasive action, avoid the crash, spin the crown vic around, and chase this guy down. After a few minutes he finally pulls over. As I walk to the side of the car, I notice the Newfoundland plates. At the window, a little exasperated, I ask the man what the hell he thinks he's doing.
    He tells me he just got his license, and is following the instructions. I ask him for a little clarification. He hands me the folded piece of paper, and points to the spot where it says "TEAR ALONG DOTTED LINE."

    1. Feds_II Avatar

      A couple months later, I'm chasing down a late model 5 series BMW. Every time I get close to the guy, he steps on it. Just as I'm about to call in a high speed chase, the car pulls over.
      At the window, I find a relieved-looking middle aged man. I ask him whether he saw me trying to pull him over. He says yes. I ask him why he ran. He looks at me and says: "My wife ran away with a cop, and I was afraid he was trying to give her back."

  10. Jeff Glucker Avatar
    Jeff Glucker

    that one is definitely a classic

  11. Maymar Avatar

    So the transmission in my (hypothetical) 240Z is shot, needs new gears. I go down to the local parts place and put my order in, they tell me it'll be a few days since it'll be air-mailed in. But the plane has some loose cargo, knocks things loose. I'm walking around, I see these things falling out of the sky, turn to the guy next to me, as him what it is. "It's raining Datsun cogs."

    1. Mike_the_Dog Avatar

      Your pun, it has groan on me…

    2. engineerd Avatar

      That was punny.

  12. BGW Avatar

    I could type it out, but the re-enactment is so much better:

  13. lilwillie Avatar

    A penguin drove into the shop the other day with oil leaking everywhere. I told him I would inspect and verify what happened and suggested he go to the local diner, have a snack, and come back later and I would explain everything.
    He showed up a hour later and I looked at him and said "You blew a Seal." Pissed off, he replied.
    "I did no such thing, I just had Ice Cream."

  14. Mike_the_Dog Avatar

    A friend some time back had asked me out of curiosity if I could choose how to die, how would I choose? After a few minutes thought, I said that falling on a grenade to save my comrades would probably be the most noble death one could hope for. I then asked him how he would choose to go. He said "I hope that I die peacefully in my sleep on a sunny Saturday afternoon, just like my grandfather did and not screaming in abject terror as the car went over the cliff, like the four people riding with him."

    1. FuzzyPlushroom Avatar

      On a semi-related note, I've decided that if I have to go, I want to go out like Court Summerfield

  15. Whateverist Avatar

    A sedan with a middle-aged couple and an elderly woman inside gets pulled over. The cop walks up to the window and says to the driver –
    “Sir, I’ve been following you for thirty miles. In that time you have obeyed the speed limit, correctly used your signals, followed every rule of the road and you were courteous to other drivers. As part of our new program to encourage proper road manners, I am pleased to present you with this complementary keychain”.
    “Piss of, you Nazi pig”, says the driver.
    “Don’t listen to him, officer”, says the drivers’ wife as she leans over. “He gets angry when he’s drunk”.
    “You idiot”, says the grannie in the back, “I TOLD YOU a stolen car brings bad luck!”
    Then a faint voice sounds from inside the trunk –
    “Are we over the state line yet?”

  16. LTDScott Avatar

    I saw a Datsun 710 the other day and it made me think of this.

  17. longrooffan Avatar

    My favorite car related joke is actually a cartoon. Click on the link to see it.

    1. engineerd Avatar


  18. Raze1138 Avatar

    That reminds me of the Ford Fiso joke.

    1. FuzzyPlushroom Avatar

      Similar to the Pontiac Gooole, but in truck form.

    2. Pjer Avatar

      My wife asked me "What car is this FISO in front of us?"
      She was not joking. 🙂

  19. Peter Tanshanomi Avatar
    Peter Tanshanomi

    Okay, I'll add a bike-flavored joke here…
    All the major motorcycle manufacturers have a big meeting and decide that in the current environment of rampant litigation and government overregulation, motorcycles need a safer image. So they hire a team of 100 scientists, 100 engineers and 100 statisticians to work on the problem full time for one year and submit a comprehensive strategy of how to make bikes less dangerous.
    A year later, the team responds with their final analysis.
    Their report is one page long. The singe piece of paper has three words printed in the middle of it: "Add more wheels."

  20. Paul_y Avatar

    Not a car joke, but the Warehouse comic/site is the product of a friend of mine. In fact, I left lawn chairs at his house a few weeks ago. I'll happily point this out to him.

  21. Luntburger Avatar

    Gertrude and Martha took Martha’s mint Chevrolet Caprice Classic to Dunkin’ Donuts for their 5:30 a.m. coffee. On the way, Martha rolled through a red light. Gertrude thought to herself, I swear Martha just ran that red light, but perhaps I wasn’t paying attention. I shan’t mention it. But I’ll start paying closer attention this time.
    The pair approaches another red light, and Martha rolls through it without slowing down. This time Gertrude noticed the light was red, but kept silent for fear of offending her friend. But if it happens again, Gertrude thinks to herself, I’m going to speak to Martha.
    Once again, they approach another red light, and Martha rolls through it. Gertrude fearing for her safety says, “Martha, do you realize you just ran three red lights in a row?”
    Martha turns to Gertrude and says, “Oh! Am I driving?”

  22. AlexG55 Avatar

    An engineer, a chemist and a computer scientist are in a car together when it goes out of control. They career madly down a hill at high speed- eventually the engineer, who's driving, manages to slow the car down and they come to a stop in a ditch at the bottom. All three of them get out to try and figure out what happened.
    The engineer says "I felt the steering wheel buck before I lost control, I think something went wrong with the steering"
    The chemist says "I think I smell brake fluid, maybe something's wrong with the brakes"
    The computer scientist says "let's push the car back up the hill and see if we can replicate the problem"

  23. CptSevere Avatar

    I may have posted this in the past, but bad jokes bear repeating ad nauseum, the better to torment those around you.
    A lady runs into the emergency room. "Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me, my husband thinks he's a dog!" The doctor says, "Ma'am, I'm an emergency room trauma surgeon. Surely a psychiatrist would be more able to help your husband with this problem." She says, "No! You don't understand! He was licking his balls in the driveway and I backed over him with the Suburban!"

  24. Deanne Schoonmaker Avatar

    This entire issue with BP is out of control. The measure of petroleum leaking into the Gulf of Mexico jumped by 1000s of barrels Wednesday after an undersea robot seemingly shook the containment cap that has been getting petroleum from BP’s Macondo well. I wonder how much destruction this whole incident is going to cost the gulf when it’s all over

  25. Alberto Hogatt Avatar

    How come newcomers criticize this?

  26. Ronin72 Avatar

    The oil spill is nothing to laugh at but I just saw a kid wearing a t-shirt that cracked me up. BP – We’re bring oil to America’s shores. I died laughing because BP’s billion dollar image change to their new sunflower logo is forever going to be associated with the worst environmental disaster to strike America. Check out the shirt here – http://bit.ly/bJAuTb