Hooniverse Asks- Does the Douche Make the Car, or Does the Car Make the Douche?

Robert Emslie

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Douche bag

 

Have you ever felt the urge to wear a backwards cap? How about to purchase tan in a can? Yeah, me neither, but there are some people for whom there’s no internal debate over doing either of those things. And those people usually drive cars that also readily identify them as purveyors of a lifestyle that in Latin is referred to as Doucheous Baggionum. The question for today is whether the lifestyle engenders the car, or the other way around.

It’s not just D-bags that have their own particular rides. Why, you might have always wanted to own a Porsche 911, but felt you couldn’t because you weren’t a “Porsche kind of guy,” meaning that you don’t like to wear your shirts open to the navel showing off your chest lockage, nor mirrored aviators as you feel that the eyes are the windows to the soul and you like to keep yours open for the fresh air. 

Of course, you can drive any old thing that strikes your fancy, and you don’t have to adopt the stereotypical trappings seemingly inherent to the brand. Or do you? The question is; are certain cars forced accouterments of particular lifestyles, or do promoters of those lifestyles simply gravitate to the cars as a course of nature? What do you think, does the car make the douche, or does the douche make the car. . . you know, douchie by association?

Image source: [sassygossip]

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Robert Emslie

Robert Emslie

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118 responses to “Hooniverse Asks- Does the Douche Make the Car, or Does the Car Make the Douche?”

  1. danleym Avatar
    danleym

    I think most cars are douche neutral when first made. However, if a significant douche population selects the same car and excessively douchify it, then it can often be hard to see that car again, even an unmolested base model, without seeing the douche in it. Not to say someone can't drive one and dedouchify (ok, I'm really stretching the flexibility of that word now) it, but they're faced with an uphill battle.
    Also, it doesn't matter what kind of car it is, a douche can definitely make his car fit his personality.

    Reply
    1. pj134 Avatar
      pj134

      I think that while some cars are born douche neutral and become douchified (G35) many are born douchetastic for douchenozzles. Usually targetted at WAG douchecanoes. Also, nouveau riche douchehammers are targeted by the born douchey vehicles.

      Reply
  2. muthalovin Avatar
    muthalovin

    D-bags are inconsiderate, selfish, self absorbed and unliked by anyone non-douche. That leads me to believe that the douche makes the car.
    I think that I could pull off bro-truck, only because I dont have any flat-bill hats, and therefor, non-douche.

    Reply
  3. $kaycog Avatar
    $kaycog

    I think it's six of one, half dozen of the other.
    <img src="http://hooniverse.info/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/Ferrari_Gay_belt_unbuckled.jpg"width="500"/&gt;

    Reply
  4. ValleyButcher Avatar
    ValleyButcher

    Here's how it goes. The Head-Douche-In-Charge buys a non-douchey car and proceeds to act douchey while driving/flaunting/standing near his non-douchey car. When the lower douches see the HDIC in his car, living the full douche lifestyle, they realize just how much they need that same car in order to fully immerse themselves in douchiness. Thus more and more douches buy this car in an attempt to chase that douche-dragon (which is often stitched on their jeans, by the way). Because of this, the once non-douchey car quickly becomes type-cast as the premier car for achieving optimal levels of douchedom, a car which only the ambitious douche, or those unfortunate enough to have owned the car before it became the douche-mobile, would ever drive.

    Reply
    1. calzonegolem Avatar
      calzonegolem

      Might I also suggest stunting and flossing?

      Reply
      1. Vavon Avatar
        Vavon

        If you combine the 2 does that become flaunting?

        Reply
        1. calzonegolem Avatar
          calzonegolem

          Stossing

          Reply
    2. yo yo dog Avatar
      yo yo dog

      What about faux douchery…such as the 308 kit on the Fiero?

      Reply
      1. Sjalabais Avatar
        Sjalabais

        A whole new level… Superdouche2000 premium deluxe. Ultra.

        Reply
      2. Peter Tanshanomi Avatar
        Peter Tanshanomi

        What if I put a Fiero kit on my 308? Would that be douchey?

        Reply
  5. smalleyxb122 Avatar
    smalleyxb122

    In general, I think that the douche makes the car douchey by association, but if I ever buy a 308 GTS, I’m definitely going to grow a mustache and start wearing Hawaiian shirts, thus evidencing the theory that sometimes the vehicle can have an influence on the driver. Further evidence of the latter is that many people outside of the enthusiast community would consider a smoky burnout a douchey act, but there are certain cars that seem to encourage such behavior from the otherwise non-douche.

    Reply
    1. Peter Tanshanomi Avatar
      Peter Tanshanomi

      "…sometimes the vehicle can have an influence on the driver."
      <img src="http://image.motortrend.com/f/roadtests/oneyear/trucks/1212_2012_ford_f_150_lariat_ecoboost_update_1/42072196 w623 h388 cr1 ar0/2012-Ford-F-150-Lariat-Ecoboost-rear-three-quarters.jpg" width="512">
      I have a number of otherwise sane, civil friends who bought big 4×4 pickups and quickly began driving like utter assholes. It's as if they they got stick of putting up with the typical aggressive PU driver and decided the solution was just to buy their own butt-in card. Because a big pickup gives you a right to just push traffic out of the way, doesn't it?
      (Maybe this is just a Midwestern thing. God bless the Heartland.)

      Reply
      1. dukeisduke Avatar
        dukeisduke

        I was just the opposite, since I'd gone from a small car ('76 Vega GT) to a big truck ('95 Ford F-150). I was always paranoid of clipping another vehicle, so I always left plenty of room when passing or changing lanes.

        Reply
      2. SSurfer321 Avatar
        SSurfer321

        As our resident bro-truck driver, I can tell you its very easy to get arrogant when driving something that much larger than the general public. I've found myself driving with douche-like characteristics, but the Mrs. usually puts me back into check.
        I try to be courteous, respectful and polite when driving my truck. But should another driver's distractions cause them to veer into my lane, I have no problem putting on a flat bill cap and leaning into their lane.

        Reply
        1. Synchromesh Avatar
          Synchromesh

          Ah, the douches on big trucks! I love cutting them off. Hard. And then I take a turn off the ramp (it's a WRX with sway bars after all) and watch them almost fly off because that honking clunker just isn't made for turning. So much fun.
          Fun things aside, I generally dislike pickups whether driven by douches or not. You can't see anything if you're behind them, they take too much space, etc. Just waiting for gas to go up again so the problem can solve itself.

          Reply
          1. Your a piece of shit Avatar
            Your a piece of shit

            So were you a douche before or after the Subaru? I hope one of those trucks you cut off plows a bumper right through your window. If you tried that shit with me you would have 7k lbs of crew cab in your car, I woulldn't even think about hitting the brakes (Damn near made that mistake in an International when a fuckbag like you in a jeep did that shit to me and i would rather run over a worthless fuck than die trying to avoid one) and the camera would prove me innocent. You drive like a fucktard and then call people douches who are just trying to get to or from work and live there lives.

  6. Josh_Howard Avatar
    Josh_Howard

    Very hard to say. Some cars make people feel certain ways. Others buy them because they ARE that way.

    Reply
  7. P161911 Avatar
    P161911

    Don't blame the car. I've never worn a ball cap with a flat bill, let alone backwards (unless I was playing catcher in a softball game). But for two years a drove a lowered murdered out BMW Z3 M roadster conversion with really loud exhaust. I'm pretty sure it didn't change me. I was trying to figure out how to mount a gun rack between the roll hoops.
    My next vehicle and current ride is a base model 2011 Silverado WT extended cab with V-6.

    Reply
  8. Number_Six Avatar
    Number_Six

    <img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7ID8NTLampY/UIchryacTQI/AAAAAAAAFoI/5zb6GLrHY4w/s1600/funny-pictures-chicken-crosses-road+(1).jpg" />

    Reply
    1. Wolfie Avatar
      Wolfie

      That Rocks!

      Reply
  9. BЯдΖǐL-ЯЄРΘЯΤЄЯ Avatar
    BЯдΖǐL-ЯЄРΘЯΤЄЯ

    There are cars that com with a stamp on it.
    Faux treehugger => Prius
    Hipster van => VW Bus
    Hair dresser => New Beetle
    D-Bag => Bangle BMW (and newer ones)
    Jerk => Hummer
    SM Hoon => Alfa Romeo
    Post midlife crisis => Corvette
    Dentist midlife crisis => Porsche 911 (low spec) or Boxter
    Hoon => any old cheap crap that keeps him rolling.

    Reply
  10. Fritzo2162 Avatar
    Fritzo2162

    The douche makes the car. They're the ones that decide their cars need to look different than anyone else's…it's a form of "peacocking".
    Normal car enthusiast: Wow! This Ferarri 599 is fantastic! That red is breathtaking! Feel this leather! The engine sounds beautiful! Want to go for a ride?
    Douche: Hmmm…I've seen a few other 599's on the road. Let's paint this one purple, maybe with fur seat covers, and those rims are all wrong. Add a bigger exhaust while you're at it so people know I'm coming. Oooo…we need a subwoofer too!

    Reply
    1. Peter Tanshanomi Avatar
      Peter Tanshanomi

      So, what your saying is that all douche-mobiles are modified? Are there cars that even in stock form are D-tastic?

      Reply
      1. BlackIce_GTS Avatar
        BlackIce_GTS

        When I think of a stock yellow H2, it just seems unfinished. It needs some dubs and some chrome everything, maybe some tribal* vinyl.
        I'm willing to give most of the stock vehicles mentioned here the benefit of the doubt, doucheosity wise.
        Except maybe SLs. I love SLs, but I think probably the slight majority of people that buy them are doing so mostly to show off.
        *what tribe? Will it be forever unknown, as they have exorcised this sort of graphic design language from their heritage in shame?

        Reply
        1. Peter Tanshanomi Avatar
          Peter Tanshanomi

          I agree. SLs are totally douchey.
          <img src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/1/1c/1991-1995_Saturn_SL2_–_03-16-2012.JPG/320px-1991-1995_Saturn_SL2_–_03-16-2012.JPG"&gt;
          SCs and SWs are almost as bad.

          Reply
          1. Devin Avatar
            Devin

            Just because I had to find a legitimately douchey SL.
            <img src="http://www.modifiedcars.com/pix/cars_1280/27741_94733.jpg&quot; width="500">

          2. danleym Avatar
            danleym

            I have never once loked at a car and thought, "You know what would make this look cool? A trunk that doesn't work right. Yep, that's what this car needs."

          3. Peter Tanshanomi Avatar
            Peter Tanshanomi

            Fortunately, he gave it taillights that don't work right, to match.

          4. sporty88au Avatar
            sporty88au

            Looks like he ran out of money before he could make the doors not work right.

          5. Vavon Avatar
            Vavon

            Skoda was douchy before douchy was even a thing!
            <img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_zp5hU5oekAI/SwN8tr9zRRI/AAAAAAAAB_E/ECe32QodmX8/s1600/skoda open trunk.jpeg" '="" width="600/">
            Do I get bonus points for finding a picture of a Skoda in the United States?

          6. Batshitbox Avatar
            Batshitbox

            Yes, but you get docked the same number of points for not knowing what country Saskatchewan is in.

          7. Vavon Avatar
            Vavon

            I didn't say the United States of America… I just saw the plate and saw USA style!
            DOH! Had I actually read the damn thing I would have known that it was Canada.
            Because I actually do know where Saskatchewan is!

          8. Peter Tanshanomi Avatar
            Peter Tanshanomi

            I believe the proper term would would be "United Provinces of Canadica."

          9. Vairship Avatar
            Vairship

            Of course you know where Sasquatchewan is. It's where the big hairy guy lives! http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/saskatchewan/story/…

          10. danleym Avatar
            danleym

            Well, it's got a Canadian license plate, so… no.

          11. Devin Avatar
            Devin

            Fun fact: Skoda briefly had dealers in Canada.
            That car was also registered sometime before 2004, but after 1998, the narrow period when the motto plate was slowly rolled out but but before a front plate was no longer required.

      2. Fritzo2162 Avatar
        Fritzo2162

        Well, for the most part. Beginner douches may not mod things as much as more advanced douches. Once you reach Level 12 Douche, all bets are off.

        Reply
        1. Peter Tanshanomi Avatar
          Peter Tanshanomi

          A 12th Level Douche is eligible to carry a +12 reciprocating sword. Or is that a 12th Level Hoon?
          EDIT: We need to create a Hooniverse RPG, "Garages & Gearheads." My character will be Joseph Lucas, a chaotic evil solder cleric.

          Reply
          1. BlackIce_GTS Avatar
            BlackIce_GTS

            I'm not sure how much you're kidding, but I'd like to voice(text) my support for this.
            Victor Maximilian, neutral good Platformancer.

          2. Peter Tanshanomi Avatar
            Peter Tanshanomi

            GARAGE MASTER: You enter a dark garage. There are various pieces of equipment on the walls. There are two doors: a locked door to the east in front of you and the door you entered through behind you to the west. There is a workbench against one wall.
            KNUCKLEBUSTER THE GRUNGY: I turn on my LED work light and examine the workbench.
            GARAGE MASTER: There is a can of plus 6 starter fluid and a Renault transaxle on the workbench.
            KNUCKLEBUSTER THE GRUNGY: I take the starter fluid, go out to the curb and instruct my trunkmonkey NPC to spray starter fluid into the carb while I try to start the Jeep.
            GARAGE MASTER: Roll for starting.
            KNUCKLEBUSTER THE GRUNGY: I roll a 10.
            GARAGE MASTER: The Jeep starts, but dies as soon as you take your foot off the accelerator. Your trunkmonkey is now on fire.
            KNUCKLEBUSTER THE GRUNGY: I use my plus 3 fire extingusher to put out the trunkmonkey.
            GARAGE MASTER: Roll saving throw…

          3. skitter Avatar
            skitter

            COMPLAINTS DEPARTMENT: Game is too much like real life.

          4. Peter Tanshanomi Avatar
            Peter Tanshanomi

            Really? How often do you light your trunkmonkey on fire?

          5. jeepjeff Avatar
            jeepjeff

            It ain't working on the Jeep until I've lit the trunkmonkey on fire at least once. So, a few times a month.

  11. steve Avatar
    steve

    I'm going to use my experience in this. I had a friend that went from a 2000 Honda accord v6 and went to BMW 335i coupe (2007) he was a relatively nice guy. Even when he picked up the car. But he joined BMW forums and stated to go to "exclusive" BMW meets and progressively get more d-bag to the point where I can't stand to be around him anymore.
    I think it is the person not the car. Or better yet the people who influenced him at the meets.

    Reply
  12. Devin Avatar
    Devin

    Douche makes the car. Take the lede, that car wasn't quite so douche-y until it got mirrored paint. Douches tend to modify their vehicles in ways befitting a douche, with things like garish paint and silly body kits and anything involving Mansory.

    Reply
    1. quattrovalvole Avatar
      quattrovalvole

      I agree. If you have one of this, you're obviously over compensating for *something*.
      <img src="http://www.thecarbonfiberjournal.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/2011-Mansory-Ferrari-458-Italia-Siracusa-Front-Angle-1920×1440.jpg&quot; width=640 />

      Reply
      1. Peter Tanshanomi Avatar
        Peter Tanshanomi

        It depends on how it gets used. At a track day event, I might think that's sort of cool. If some guy rolled up to the valet at a casino on a Friday night, my D-alarm would be going off so loudly Rusty'd hear it across the pond.

        Reply
  13. Alff Avatar
    Alff

    Ronald McDonald wants his shoes back.

    Reply
    1. JayP2112 Avatar
      JayP2112

      I've been trying to guide my son in the ways of style (guy style)- MOPAR, Gulf, Hurst, Star Wars, Marvel-DC, etc. Got him a cool '85 Camaro shirt for Christmas. Kids at school had no appreciation.
      So if by some chance my son loses his mind, wears a hat backwards and has those shoes… they had better taste good.

      Reply
  14. Irishzombieman Avatar
    Irishzombieman

    Some cars are born douchey, and attract people who make them even worse.
    <img src="http://carphotos.cardomain.com/ride_images/3/3534/1581/33833290003_large.jpg&quot; width="400/">
    Some cars aren't so bad until a certain type of person (or in this case, a certain company) gets hold of them.
    <img src="http://motorcrave.frsucrave.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/mansorypanamera2.jpg&quot; width="400/">
    And with some, it's hard to tell which came first: the egg,
    <img src="http://www.minusfun.com/images/290712/3/1.jpg&quot; width="400/">
    Or the chicken.
    <img src="http://rack.1.mshcdn.com/media/ZgkyMDEyLzEyLzA0LzlhL3NjdW1iYWdzdGV2LmMzMi5qcGcKcAl0aHVtYgk5NTB4NTM0IwplCWpwZw/1c075731/db0/scumbag-steve-how-the-internet-meme-became-a-rapper-c4a89606dc.jpg&quot; width="400/">

    Reply
  15. Sjalabais Avatar
    Sjalabais

    As a sociologist, I will throw in a semi-relevant personal experience. I was born in the GDR, became conscious for real in the Federal Republic of Deutschland and moved to Norway as soon as I was finished with school.
    I have always been very fond of Volvos.
    In the GDR you had to be either a party apparatchik, something even worse or a teflonslipperylucky person with Western relatives willing to dole out cash in order to make you drive a Volvo. You wouldn't exactly blend in with the Trabant and Wartburg environment.
    In the BRD Volvo was the choice of the slightly alternative – free thinking? – academic. Ecologically minded, always restrained, preferably dressed in earthy colours. One car would last for at least 20 years, and Volvo's would survive the no-maintenance-abuse rather well.
    In Norway, the neverending supply of 240's especially makes old Volvos the car of choice for boys with greasy fingers. They haven't yet started to climb the social ladder of the hoons, or even society in general. A new Volvo couldn't get anymore square: "Villa, Volvo, voff" are the three V's that mark boring adulthood.
    But the douchest™ cars, in my experience Porsche's, very low BMW 3's and old abused Honda's are rather similarly perceived… 😉

    Reply
    1. Scandinavian Flick Avatar
      Scandinavian Flick

      Volvo 240s are the douche car of choice in Norway??? Great… I own the international douchebag trifecta.,,

      Reply
      1. Sjalabais Avatar
        Sjalabais

        The no-clue-modder kind of douche? Yes. But it's really just a matter of supply. The Lada Nova is the car of choice in Russia, VW Golf and BMW 3 stand strong in central Europe, the French manage to overdouche even the most pedestrian Peugeot and the Baltics are flooded with douched up Audi A8's. Scandinavia is so (un-) fortunate to have had the Volvo 240 as the most popular car for decades.
        The next question would be: When gets a db-car rehabilitated? Over time, supply shrinks, obscure and later serious collectors appear on the scene. What would be gentrification in a city happens to cars, too. Again, the Volvo 240 is an example with steep price rises for pristine specimen.
        …and regarding the GDR-comment: Western relatives could sponsor their less fortunate Eastern peers by buying just about anything for them, with the Soviet's behind the iron curtain being happy – yet certainly without even an inkling of a dusty smile – for the hard valuta. Those interested find Genex-catalogues for 1977 and 1986 here. If you read German, the way the Eastern cars are described in the 1977 car catalogue is a literary masterpiece. (No Volvo's available in the presented catalogues, but 1986 has Ford, Fiat and VW.)
        P.S.: What are your two other cars?

        Reply
        1. Scandinavian Flick Avatar
          Scandinavian Flick

          Wow, my 18 inch beige Pegasus wheels along with many other modifications put me right smack in the middle of that category. Ha!
          My… um… well, my other cars are… I'm afraid to admit it now… 2000 BMW 323ci, (self explanatory) and a 2006 Pontiac GTO… (same kinda stereotyping category as Trans Am/WS6 owners, I suppose)

          Reply
          1. Sjalabais Avatar
            Sjalabais

            Here's a way out: Declare it living irony, transform into a hipster, and get hated by a whole new set of people.
            Condolences!

          2. Scandinavian Flick Avatar
            Scandinavian Flick

            Great, so I'm an ironic douche.
            I'm tempted to do an image search for that term, but not on a work computer…

          3. Sjalabais Avatar
            Sjalabais

            I'm confident you do your thing anyway, which is a kind of undouching strategy. 😉
            …and if you ever feel for buying a "new" and unmolested 240, they're still out there:
            All original, 26700km, 1986 240 – "as new". 18000$

        2. danleym Avatar
          danleym

          One of my favorite memories from the month I spent in France over the summer of 2008:
          I'm walking down a street in Avignon. This is one of those streets that is like 800 years old, narrow, cobblestones, all the buildings around are hundreds of years old. Down the street comes this BMW, E46, lowered suspension, big rims, driving really slowly, windows down, cranking Nelly's Country Grammer for the whole ancient city to hear. And behind the wheel was the stereotypical douche, short spiked hair, excessive tan, with the standard "look at me and I will punch you" look on his face.
          I laughed when I saw him. For two reasons- first, this guy was doing his damndest to look like the coolest hard ass in the world, but the "coolest" song he could come up with was about 10 years old at that point, and by no means considered cool anymore. Second, I realized that douches are not exclusive to North America.

          Reply
          1. Devin Avatar
            Devin

            I feel slightly awkward blasting out Nas in my sensible hatchback.

          2. Jay_Ramey Avatar
            Jay_Ramey

            Obvs he was playing it ironically, cause it's not techno : )

      2. jeepjeff Avatar
        jeepjeff

        Just embrace it and be happy.

        Reply
        1. Scandinavian Flick Avatar
          Scandinavian Flick

          But… I just broke in my baseball caps forwards…
          *sigh* fiiiiiine…. *turns cap around*

          Reply
  16. dukeisduke Avatar
    dukeisduke

    Had Bieber just bought the car? Because I thought even in Cali you're supposed to have license plates.

    Reply
    1. Irishzombieman Avatar
      Irishzombieman

      You can legally go 6 months without.
      Steve Jobs was known for never having a plate, ever, and he did it legally by getting a new car twice a year.

      Reply
      1. dukeisduke Avatar
        dukeisduke

        Oh yeah, I think I remember reading that somewhere. Here in Texas, you'd better have some kind of plate on your car, whether a paper temporary tag (good for up to 90 days), a metal dealer or manufacturer plate, or the real thing.

        Reply
    2. chrystlubitshi Avatar
      chrystlubitshi

      I think you're allowed to be photoshopped in front of any car with no plates for as long as you want without legal penalty. (i know the kid is only like…. 5'7"… but those rims come up to his waist…. which means a sub 22" inseam…. not likely.)

      Reply
  17. MVEilenstein Avatar
    MVEilenstein

    The douchebag makes the douchebag.

    Reply
  18. Preludacris Avatar
    Preludacris

    This similar question popped into my head the other day: which came first, elevators or elevator music?
    Anyways, I've found when you meet someone with a d-bag-associated vehicle, you can tell pretty quick if it's a car guy or a d-bag. If it's the former you're likely in for a great conversation. But when the two circles overlap (see: some E30 owners), run away!

    Reply
  19. salguod Avatar
    salguod

    When I was a hotel doorman in the late 80s – early 90s, 911 drivers were known to be the ones who ask you to leave their car up front while they go to dinner then tip a whole $2 when they come out for the privilege. They expected preferential treatment and felt no need to reward you for giving it.
    Then there was the guy in a Stanza tall wagon, trying to make the bank before close, who asked to leave his car with me. I obliged, just trying to be nice, and he came back not 10-15 minutes later and flipped me $20. Truly grateful for the special treatment I didn't have to give.

    Reply
    1. C³-Cool Cadillac Cat Avatar
      C³-Cool Cadillac Cat

      I ran a valet parking service for a short time, and I found the exact same thing.

      Reply
  20. CherokeeOwner Avatar
    CherokeeOwner

    I'm not sure how to explain myself, so bare with me here.
    I believe the car makes the douche. Most douches are the type who have one goal: impress others, particularly dimbulbs who equate something "expensive" makes someone badass/sexy/a person of means/a person of influence. A fair number of douches are bench-racers: they do not buy BMWs or Ferraris or Range Rovers because they actually use them to their fullest potential, they buy them for bragging rights. "My Ferrari could easily beat your Corvette on a track, bro. Hit me with another Ice, Bobby!"
    The lot of them, however, buy those cars to signify they have money — even if most of them bought them on credit or are leasing them — because they know clueless types, especially women who look like Snooki, also know those cars are expensive and if these orange-skinned doofi drive them everyday, they must have money and influence, and by extension are cool people to hang around with. In short, the dimbulbs that hang around douches mistake owning expensive shit as a sign of legitimate influence.
    All douches, on a certain level, buy into that idea to a degree as well. "Hey, I own this ludicrously expensive car. That means I can pretty much do whatever I want. Fuck the haters, I'm better than anyone and can do what I want because I can afford this car!" They equate purchasing ability with legitimate power/influence. They drink their own Kool-Aid, so to speak. And because of this, they think they can get away with burnouts, street races, parking in handicap spaces and general asshole behavior.
    TL;DR: Douches buy expensive, powerful cars they can't drive/take care off to impress their dumbass peers who think expensive shit=money=power, douches think the same, that's why they act like douches.
    That's as best as I can explain it.

    Reply
    1. Sjalabais Avatar
      Sjalabais

      Reminds me of the BMW 3 owner I saw at the ski run the other day. Quite fresh BMW 3 Touring, which starts at 69000$ here in Norway – on bloody Kumho tires! As I entered my 3000$ beater-Nissan on the-best-of-the-best 2012 Nokian Hakkapeliitta 7 tires I had to suppress shouting: "Priorities!" across the parking lot.
      Of course, I am better than anyone else. Who isn't?

      Reply
  21. Maymar Avatar
    Maymar

    Generally, I'd go with the douche making the car – at the very least, if people buy douchey cars, the automakers will continue to fill that market.
    But beyond that, douches will shape things to their douchey desires. Take the humble diesel pickup. It's simple and utilitarian. Or rather, it should be. There's a subsect of guys who want to make them bigger, more intimidating, and aren't happy unless it's needlessly burning more oil and spewing more smoke than Iraq circa 1991.
    In fact, look at every internet car guy who glorifies horrendous fuel economy. A reasonable person accepts that "yes, because of the extra size and/or power of the car I wanted, it will used more fuel." A douchebag thinks "awesome."

    Reply
  22. P161911 Avatar
    P161911

    Time to bring out another version of the BMW douche formula. This might work for other vehicles too:
    (A) X (P-1) X (D+(12-C)) X LF = DF
    A = age of car in years
    P= number of pedals
    D= number of doors
    C= number of cylinders, for turbo multiply by 1.5
    LF = lease factor = 0.1 if vehicle is leased
    DF factor, the lower the number the bigger the douche.
    So a new leased 650i automatic would be:
    (1) X (2-1) X (2+(12-12)) X 0.1 = 0.2
    A 1987 318 4-door 5-speed would be:
    (26) X (3-1) X (4+(12-4) = 624
    There might be other variations of this.

    Reply
    1. Devin Avatar
      Devin

      Need to include the number of aftermarket M badges somehow.

      Reply
      1. Irishzombieman Avatar
        Irishzombieman

        I propose:
        Aftermarket M badge =0
        So when added as a factor anywhere in that equation, the product is reduced to zero, the douchyhood infinite.

        Reply
        1. Devin Avatar
          Devin

          I was thinking the end result would then be divided by the number of M badges. So the above 650i, with three aftermarket M badges, would be .067.
          But I think you're right, Aftermarket Ms are like meth: Not even once!

          Reply
          1. danleym Avatar
            danleym

            But then someone without an M badge would be divinding by zero, and mathmaticians don't even know how to solve that. At least the kind of mathmaticians that teach high school kids. Who knows what all those crazy theoretical types have come up with.

      2. P161911 Avatar
        P161911

        add X (1/B) to the formula, B = number of aftermarket M badges.

        Reply
    2. Irishzombieman Avatar
      Irishzombieman

      Oooo. I like.

      Reply
    3. mdharrell Avatar
      mdharrell

      Isetta owners score between 1224 and 1392, depending on model year.

      Reply
    4. jeepjeff Avatar
      jeepjeff

      Freshly made Locost using a Jag V12 drivetrain:
      (1)x(3-1)x(0+(12-12)) = 0

      Reply
      1. P161911 Avatar
        P161911

        When D=0 use 1,000.

        Reply
    5. IronBallsMcG Avatar
      IronBallsMcG

      My BMW has 6 cylinders and no doors.

      Reply
      1. P161911 Avatar
        P161911

        See above, when D=0 use 1,000.

        Reply
    6. BlackIce_GTS Avatar
      BlackIce_GTS

      25 x (3-1) x (4+(12-16)) x 1 = 0
      0 = 1000
      Name that BMW!

      Reply
      1. jeepjeff Avatar
        jeepjeff

        Nice. I know what it is, but I used Wikipedia, so that's totally cheating, and I won't say. That's a better hack of the equation than mine. I concede.

        Reply
      2. P161911 Avatar
        P161911

        I had to look it up. Goldfish!

        Reply
    7. Lex Avatar
      Lex

      Cool, i get to drive a BMW and at a score of 440, don't have to worry about my douche factor.

      Reply
    8. Irishzombieman Avatar
      Irishzombieman

      So my Geo Metro comes out at 484. Nice.

      Reply
      1. jeepjeff Avatar
        jeepjeff

        My Jeep comes out to 192, which just means that the M3 and A4 douchebags don't go for it (which is pretty true).

        Reply
    9. jeremy![™] Avatar
      jeremy![™]

      i dont think this works for miatas…
      160?

      Reply
      1. P161911 Avatar
        P161911

        Too new. A 1992 = 420. Anything over 100 isn't too bad.

        Reply
        1. Peter Tanshanomi Avatar
          Peter Tanshanomi

          That makes me feel better. The Town Cow came in at 168. I didn't know if I should be concerned. I was REALLY glad there wasn't the (completely logical) "gold trim divisor," or I would've really eaten it. But if there were, I'd think it only fair to have an equal multiplier if the car was given to you by your mother-in-law.

          Reply
  23. jeffmac7101 Avatar
    jeffmac7101

    Let's take a minute to define what makes a Douchebag a Douchebagversus an Asshole. My buddies and I have discussed this at length over cold beverages and have come up with the following distinction:
    An Asshole is unintentionally an Asshole. We all do things sometimes that make people call us an Asshole. Think changing lanes without seeing that Smart car in your blind spot. Proper response is "Oh, shit, sorry!"
    A Douchebage is a Douchebag intentionally. Same situation but but the response is "F you!"

    Reply
    1. Tim Odell Avatar
      Tim Odell

      To me the distinction hinges on two additional factors:
      1) Conspicuous displays of wealth and/or prestige, doubly so if it's all fake.
      2) Implication that the trappings of our outward appearance are going to get you laid. Repeatedly.
      Douchebag is the guy who buys a $7500 salvage title G35, installs fake versions of some high-end wheels, and rolls up to every house party like he's Hugh Hefner.

      Reply
  24. Tim Odell Avatar
    Tim Odell

    I think each car comes with a baseline douche quotient, which may or may not be embraced by the owner.
    Base 6MT V6 Mustang with 190 treadwear tires and squealing high-temp track pads? Probably a no-nonsense character.
    Automatic Porsche 911 or Vette? Long hill to climb.
    Case in point, any time between 1995 and 2002, you could've seen my very WASPy mom driving around in a 3/4 ton Suburban solo or with 2 kids onboard. "Stupid mom-tank" you might think. On the weekend you'd find said Burbo with 6-8 people onboard, towing a wakeboard boat in the summer or headed to the snow in the winter. So yeah, we had a legitimate use for that thing beyond topping out the crash test arms race.

    Reply
    1. sporty88au Avatar
      sporty88au

      When applying a variation of the BMW Douche Factor formula to something like the Suburban (this applies to any 4X4 or SUV for that matter), there has to be a 'signs of legitimate use factor' modifier applied – maybe something like x2 for a towbar, x10 if the towbar is being used, x50 for mud caked on the sides of the vehicle, or a x0.5 for each unoccupied seat.

      Reply
  25. jeepjeff Avatar
    jeepjeff

    I'm pretty sure I own one of the douchiest vehicles here. My considered opinion is that to a large degree, it is the driver, but to some degree, it is the particular vehicle. Some cars require embracing a bit of douchiness to drive. They just do.
    For instance, I own a 2001 PMY Jeep Wrangler Sport. That's right. Douche Bag Yellow. When I first got it, it was fun to drive, but, uh, yellow. And I felt like an asshole driving it.
    Now? I feel like an asshole driving it, but I'm Ok with that. Also, I saw a Lamborghini Gallardo Spider in Yellow last spring. Definitely very douchey. But you know what, it looked good. I LIKED IT. I"M NOT SORRY.
    There are cars with inherent douche-factors, and they will drag you closer to putting your hat on backwards and enjoying the look of badly designed body kits. I haven't been dragged that far over, but that stuff is definitely less offensive than before. The inherent douche factor can come with the car completely OEM, but some of it is from the people who drive them. The mall crawler crowd did most of that to my Jeep, but the yellow paint never helped.

    Reply
    1. danleym Avatar
      danleym

      That depends. A bone stock 01 Wrangler in yellow has no inherent douchiness. Potential, sure. But to get to that point, you would need to have 20" or larger rims that are excessively sharp coupled with Nitto or Pro Comp mud tires that will never see mud. With those additions you would quickly be approaching douchemobile. But with stock or at least tasteful and conservative aftermarket wheels, there's little to no douche factor. Even in yellow.
      Now, start plastering Rockstar (or your energy drink of choice, Rockstar just seems like it would fit with yellow) stickers on it, and you're also moving quickly in that direction.
      And TJs aren't near as susceptible to douchification as JKs are. Or maybe that's just my JK hate coming out again.

      Reply
      1. jeepjeff Avatar
        jeepjeff

        I think TJs are moving out of favor with douchebags, due to age (which just means the JKs are getting that love), but out here in California, one of the major demographics for Jeep Wranglers is the the Beach Bro. And they definitely go in for the Rockstar stickers.
        So yeah, mine isn't an out-and-out douchebag mobile, but yellow is a pretty ostentatious color, particularly when everything else on the road is so subdued these days. It's definitely further over on the scale than my wife's Civic by a large margin.
        EDIT: This also means JKs will get better with age. Jeeps need to age a bit to get good.

        Reply
        1. danleym Avatar
          danleym

          Ah. Living in the midwest, I'm not familiar with subspecies Beach Bro.

          Reply
  26. peterhester Avatar
    peterhester

    The adage goes
    whats the difference between a camel and (car of choice)
    With the camel, the dick is on the outside.

    Reply
  27. SSurfer321 Avatar
    SSurfer321

    I wear my hat backwards.
    <img src="https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/208119_214549261889377_1671635_n.jpg&quot; ,="" width="300/">
    I drive a lifted truck.
    <img src="http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a317/ssurfer321/Picture006.jpg&quot; ,="" width="300/">
    I don't give a care what others think of me as this makes me happy.

    Reply
    1. M44Power Avatar
      M44Power

      I park my hoopty-Jeep like that at work every day. And every day after I walk towards the building I get to turn around and smile. Glad someone else shares the happiness of articulation.

      Reply
      1. SSurfer321 Avatar
        SSurfer321

        I lost my crappy phone pic when I parked it at the mall on a 10' snow mound. Rear tire was tucked in the fender and the angle was such that the passenger door touched the ground when opened. I love articulation.

        Reply
        1. Vairship Avatar
          Vairship

          So do I
          (swing arm suspension)

          Reply
  28. Batshitbox Avatar
    Batshitbox

    Are you asking a nature vs. nurture question? I'm on the side of nurture. It's garbage-in, garbage-out as far as I can tell. Anyone, douche or not, can buy any car. Behaving like a douche is not strictly the fault of the car. True, some cars are built to be driven in a flashy and spirited manner, but if the driver succumbs to that impulse in inappropriate venues then the driver was fundamentally a douche before driving the car. The car opens the door, it's the driver's decision to walk through it.
    I had to train myself to observe BMWs on the road, because I believed the hype that BMW drivers were all asshats. What I found was a majority of BMW drivers behaving like well trained and responsible American citizens, and a few BMW drivers behaving like asshats. Among people behaving like asshats, though, I found BMWs to be no more favored than any other brand of car. Asshats drive Prius', Subarus, GMCs, you name it.
    I rode a moped like a complete dickhead for years as a messenger (this was before Moped Army made them a fad) but also drove a Harley 1200 Sportster with loud pipes without blipping the throttle pointlessly or laying on it hard between lights; I even wore a full-face. So It was my chioce to be a dickhead on one non-dickhead vehicle, and to be responsible on a dickmobile.

    Reply
    1. jeepjeff Avatar
      jeepjeff

      I've noticed the same thing about BMWs. Around here, the one make/model that I really watch out for on the roads (the only vehicle that is consistently driven by obnoxious drivers) is the current generation Toyota Camry. A vehicle, one would note, that is the anti-douchebag mobile. The obnoxious driver style is also not the douchey obnoxious style, it is the pokey, I-don't-know-what-I'm-doing style. Imagining that Camries are driven by well-meaning Golden Retrievers and Irish Setters takes the edge off in traffic. (And maybe I drive like an asshole anymore…)

      Reply
      1. skitter Avatar
        skitter

        There are many situations where I imagine that I'm watching a kindergarten play. At which point, I can think, 'How adorable. They're trying so hard and it's so terrible.' I can't make the same stretch when heavy machinery is involved.
        Cars are heavy machinery.
        Golden Retrievers, well meaning or not, should not have driver's licenses.

        Reply
        1. mdharrell Avatar
          mdharrell

          You have, however, just made an excellent case for them having LeMons competition licenses.

          Reply
        2. jeepjeff Avatar
          jeepjeff

          While this is all true, the point of the mental image (for me) is to drop my stress level, since there isn't much I can do about the license of the other driver. YMMV. 🙂

          Reply
  29. Senior Frog Avatar
    Senior Frog

    Sigh, bought a Lexus 'cause I wanted a classy, anonymous, but surprisingly fast, car. Now it's the VIP-crowd's favorite "whip."

    Reply
    1. Vairship Avatar
      Vairship

      I guess you'll have to ghost ride it now…

      Reply
  30. Spring-heeled Jack Avatar
    Spring-heeled Jack

    Canada apologizes for Bieber. There's now a 'truther' movement that says he's from France.

    Reply
    1. Maymar Avatar
      Maymar

      He didn't grow up that far from Buffalo. I blame them.

      Reply
  31. M44Power Avatar
    M44Power

    It is a symbiotic relationship. You cannot separate the popped collar from the M3, nor the dentist from the Porsche, any more than you could part a redneck and his Calvin pissing on Ford/Chevrolet emblem sticker.

    Reply