By Peter Tanshanomi
Certain types of ads are richer veins of Classic Captions gold than others. For example, advertising images for malaise era luxury cars, anemic ’80s domestic “sporty” cars, and overly trendy ’90s cute utes each promise a giggle of anticipation even before you’ve seen the ad in question. Now, let’s add to that list Eastern Bloc cars. Communist promo photos of the Soviet era tirelessly mimicked the bright, cheerful sophistication of Western consumer advertising, which only highlighted the somber oppressiveness of life behind the Iron Curtain and the crudeness of the cars built there. This marketing image could almost depict a happy Floridian at Cypress Gardens in the early ’70s. But not quite. Even if the viewer blots out the Zaporozhets, something remains just a bit off. It’s like they were trying a little too hard. And that awkwardness should make it easy fodder for your cleverest comments.
Speaking of easy pickin’s, last week’s Camaro and the oh-so-’80s ad art were both ripe for the snarking. And snark you did. channeled the Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy to mock the ad’s overly bright color palette:
Short version: ” ‘Yellow,’ he thought.” Long version: “God what a terrible hangover it had earned him though. He looked at himself in the wardrobe mirror. He stuck out his tongue. “Yellow,” he thought. The word yellow wandered through his mind in search of something to connect with. Fifteen seconds later he was out of the house and sitting in a Z28 in front of a big yellow window decoration that was advancing up his garden.” With apologies to D. Adams.
In second place was , with this more pointed criticism of the car itself: “Models made out of the same high quality plastic as the interior.” Kudos to both.
Kamil Kaluski 
Robby DeGraff
From the new coffee table book “dogs of the eastern bloc.”
Written by Ralphislav Naderski.
Dog is proud socialist domestic companion, alert and lean unlike your flabby capitalist pig-dogs.
…something remains just a bit off. The ZAZ is just so shiny… The blonde is just so blonde… Great Scot! That’s a Man, Baby!
http://i.makeagif.com/media/3-07-2014/cZYHuW.gif
It has a rear engine and is air cooled just like one of your oppressive Porsche’s.
She has a top engine and is bottom cooled just like one of your oppressive women.
The dog represents you American pig dogs and is tiny because we will crush you. He is being tended to by a woman because we didn’t even want to waste a man on you.
The ZAZ 968 Zaporozhets, the name rolls off the tongue like the finest vodka on the beaches in Georgia.
After six hundred and eighty small installments you can come to the factory and pick up the best.
“Christ, what an asshole.”
Ah yes, the one-size-fits-all caption for New Yorker cartoons.
A favorite variation:
‘Born from zhets’.
Oh wait…
Due to NKVD meddling, the ZAZ 968 publicity shoot took several years to complete. On one particularly trying day in the third year of the project, Politburo chief and ZAZ-enthusiast Nikolai Podgorny was overheard telling his staff that the shih tzu chosen as the model’s companion was too “capitalist-looking”, and that they needed to use a more noble breed. A miniature pinscher was subsequently appropriated from a random passer-by and later given to Podgorny as a memento of the occasion.
Up next on The Price is Rightski.
The Tuesday Answer:
http://olddogcycles.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/2011_governo_lula_informal_f_050.jpg
“And here, under this shiny bonnet, we can find high displacement…..spare tire and a very powerful….. non- collapsible steering column”
Ooo there’s a game people play that starts with ‘Marry’ and ends with ‘Kill’ but I think it’s probably too naughty to play in this context.
http://images.hellogiggles.com/uploads/2015/08/31/hey-you.gif
No tulips, petunias, gardenias, roses.
We plant Zhigulis, Chaikas, Zaporozhets, and Luaz.
I drive this car because I’m Ukranian.
I wear my hair like this to conceal my huge cranium.
And something about a dog.
From poetry you should abstainium.
Some engine parts have become unobtanium,
I speak mainly Russian, and a little Bahranian,
Look- all these Willows and not one Geranium.
And still not a word on the dog.
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/8e/Pomeranian_in_garden.jpg/800px-Pomeranian_in_garden.jpg
Word!
Of course!
You’re killing it this week.
(The caption thread, not the puppy.)
I know you don’t like it when the dog barks, but I promise you won’t hear it anymore!
Is true Comrade, more than the willows will weep.
I take girl. You and dog take trunk.
With a girl like her this car will match your lifestyle. All the action happens in the back!
(Actually I’m not sure if there’s enough space for action in the back of a Zappo, but a socialist can dream. Also this is not part of the caption.)