Classic Captions Contest: The sophisticated new Ford Taurus

Kamil Kaluski

/comment

Comments

It’s been about 18 months since the last time we had a classic captions contest. Let’s change this. Hooniverse Classic Captions Contest is where we show you a classic advertising of a vehicle and you supply the best quote for it. Like on Whose Line Is It Anyway? where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter.

Today we have a what was then the new third generation Ford Taurus. Having rented one of those, it still rates as one of the worst handling vehicles I have ever had the pleasure of piloting. Amazingly, handling was the least of its problems, because just look at it. Its polarizing looks were updated three short model year later.

The Ford-hired photographer did their best to showcase the new Taurus’ sophistication. That included dressing up the probable Taurus owners for a night at the opera and a super fancy dinner, probably with other Taurus owners. Seems on target. Today we ask, what is the sophisticated modern couple saying to each other?

[Image Source: twitter.com]

About

Kamil Kaluski

Kamil Kaluski

East Coast Editor. Races crappy cars and has an unhealthy obsession with Eastern Bloc cars. Current fleet: 4Runner, Integra, Regal, Lada

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

The maximum upload file size: 64 MB. You can upload: image, audio, video. Links to YouTube, Facebook, Twitter and other services inserted in the comment text will be automatically embedded. Drop files here

16 responses to “Classic Captions Contest: The sophisticated new Ford Taurus”

  1. OA5599 Avatar
    OA5599

    All my life, I’ve been waiting for someone, and when I find her, she’s…she’s a fish.

    Reply
  2. mdharrell Avatar
    mdharrell

    “Yes, dear, his taste in cars is… regrettable, but as you can see he is nonetheless a very good groundskeeper. I’ll have a word with him to park more discreetly in the future.”

    Reply
  3. FastPanda Avatar
    FastPanda

    [couple emerges from wedding reception, sees Taurus] “Yeah, I really did a job convincing your moron brother-in-law to buy this suppository from Bobby. He owes me big for getting him to quota for the month.” [couple walks over to BMW 325i]

    Reply
  4. Neight428 Avatar
    Neight428

    In the early to mid-90’s the maître d’ at Hertz was uncommonly strict about dress code.

    Reply
  5. skitter Avatar
    skitter

    Oh, yeah? Well ten minutes ago, you were a frog.
    Chill out and stand back.

    Reply
  6. Sjalabais Avatar
    Sjalabais

    “Darling, what is this? Where is our car?”

    She’s definitely not looking convinced.

    Reply
    1. Maymar Avatar
      Maymar

      That is the very forced smile of someone who wishes their partner had spent the few bucks extra on the Explorer that might also have even a whiff of resale value in three years.

      Reply
  7. Batshitbox Avatar
    Batshitbox

    As the Baby Boom generation got older certain extra-legal amusements like streaking, panty-raids and anything Commander Cody mentioned in the lyrics to “Everybody’s Doin’ It” fell out of fashion.

    Thus, this still from the opening sequence to Charles Bail’s 1996 flop, “Jellybean Rally”.

    Reply
  8. Tanshanomi Avatar
    Tanshanomi

    Congratulations, Reg. It’s a…squid.

    Reply
  9. 49Z Avatar
    49Z

    Glucker!!!!

    Reply
  10. onrails Avatar
    onrails

    I’m not sure if this was the origin of the term ‘catfishing’, but it is now.

    Reply
  11. Spicoli Avatar
    Spicoli

    “Trust me honey, your looking at the future Jaguar X Type.”

    Reply
  12. Lokki Avatar
    Lokki

    “I tell you Honey, this car is gonna make me rich! Those Cutlasses are just gonna fly out the door after people get a good look at these!”

    Reply
  13. Wayne Moyer Avatar
    Wayne Moyer

    “Well this is going to be Bobby’s first car. It’s as bland as I could think of honey. Brown, Ford, and a Taurus. This way he will always be home by curfew and stay single until he leaves for college in a few years.”

    Reply
  14. I_Borgward Avatar
    I_Borgward

    “Looks like Clark finally made it here from Foggy Bottom, honey.”

    “Damn… those GSA motor pool bastards are really sticking it to ’em this year.”

    Reply
  15. NJHoon Avatar
    NJHoon

    “Oh Dave it brilliant! But do you think old people will get them?”
    “Yes and we’ll be able to identify and avoid on the road and garages at just a glance.”

    Reply