By Kamil Kaluski
It’s been about 18 months since the last time we had a classic captions contest. Let’s change this. Hooniverse Classic Captions Contest is where we show you a classic advertising of a vehicle and you supply the best quote for it. Like on Whose Line Is It Anyway? where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter.
Today we have a what was then the new third generation Ford Taurus. Having rented one of those, it still rates as one of the worst handling vehicles I have ever had the pleasure of piloting. Amazingly, handling was the least of its problems, because just look at it. Its polarizing looks were updated three short model year later.
The Ford-hired photographer did their best to showcase the new Taurus’ sophistication. That included dressing up the probable Taurus owners for a night at the opera and a super fancy dinner, probably with other Taurus owners. Seems on target. Today we ask, what is the sophisticated modern couple saying to each other?
[Image Source: twitter.com]
Robby DeGraff
All my life, I’ve been waiting for someone, and when I find her, she’s…she’s a fish.
“Yes, dear, his taste in cars is… regrettable, but as you can see he is nonetheless a very good groundskeeper. I’ll have a word with him to park more discreetly in the future.”
[couple emerges from wedding reception, sees Taurus] “Yeah, I really did a job convincing your moron brother-in-law to buy this suppository from Bobby. He owes me big for getting him to quota for the month.” [couple walks over to BMW 325i]
In the early to mid-90’s the maître d’ at Hertz was uncommonly strict about dress code.
Oh, yeah? Well ten minutes ago, you were a frog.
Chill out and stand back.
“Darling, what is this? Where is our car?”
She’s definitely not looking convinced.
That is the very forced smile of someone who wishes their partner had spent the few bucks extra on the Explorer that might also have even a whiff of resale value in three years.
As the Baby Boom generation got older certain extra-legal amusements like streaking, panty-raids and anything Commander Cody mentioned in the lyrics to “Everybody’s Doin’ It” fell out of fashion.
Thus, this still from the opening sequence to Charles Bail’s 1996 flop, “Jellybean Rally”.
Congratulations, Reg. It’s a…squid.
Glucker!!!!
I’m not sure if this was the origin of the term ‘catfishing’, but it is now.
“Trust me honey, your looking at the future Jaguar X Type.”
“I tell you Honey, this car is gonna make me rich! Those Cutlasses are just gonna fly out the door after people get a good look at these!”
“Well this is going to be Bobby’s first car. It’s as bland as I could think of honey. Brown, Ford, and a Taurus. This way he will always be home by curfew and stay single until he leaves for college in a few years.”
“Looks like Clark finally made it here from Foggy Bottom, honey.”
“Damn… those GSA motor pool bastards are really sticking it to ’em this year.”
“Oh Dave it brilliant! But do you think old people will get them?”
“Yes and we’ll be able to identify and avoid on the road and garages at just a glance.”