Classic Captions Contest – 1984 Mercury Cougar LS Edition

This week’s Hooniverse Classic Captions Contest comes to us on no other than, #ThrowbackThursday. How coincidental. Let’s jump back in time to the early 1980s, before yours truly was fortunately born, to the ’84 Cougar LS from Mercury. The image above tells a gentle story about Shirlena and Sheperd, who are just wrapping up a sunset evening of strolling along the bustling coast of Ft Lauderdale.
Before we continue this saga from 1984, let’s look at the last Hooniverse Classic Captions where a horde of skiers almost lit an Oldsmobile Firenza on fire out in Winter Park, Colorado, on their way to après-ski drinks at the local pub. Here are a few of the winning comments:

“Now available with a performance-tuned engine, complete with a KKK turbocharger! Oldsmobile. We build Cavaliers, too.”-stifshift

“‘Drugs, we all do it, just not at work.’
Firenza, the hangover car.”-

“It might be the ‘80s, but the budget didn’t stretch to cocaine.”-

Back to the beach. Sheperd, or “Sleazy Shep” his buddies in the old frat house use to call him, just scored a big promotion at his managing job of the local Kinkos and wanted to treat himself to something luxurious. Shep was convinced buying a luxurious car with a cat name on it, would win Shirlena’s good graces a tad bit more. Do you think Shep makes Shirlena growl like a cougar when he brings that 4.9-liter V8 to life? “Baby do the growl.” Analyzing the brochure image above a bit closer brings a few questions to mind:

  1. How on earth did Shep get his Cougar out on to the beach without kicking up any sand on the tires or rear fenders?
  2. Did he lock the keys in the car and, due to a massive line of cocaine that was minutes ago, snorted from atop that chrome side mirror cap, forgot the entry code? Which is clearly probably 1-3-5-7 or 69, twice.
  3. What is Shirlena looking at?
  4. Is that Shep’s uniform he’s wearing when he manages the chaotic counter at Kinkos?
  5. What song fits this image? I’m leaning more towards this, with a dash of crashing waves too.

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20 responses to “Classic Captions Contest – 1984 Mercury Cougar LS Edition”

  1. outback_ute Avatar

    Shep hated when Shirlena made him do the beach pose, falwslf thinking it was the rolled-up suit pants that made him look dorky.
    Shirlena – “And _that’s_ why I wear 3/4 length slacks!”
    Song: I Ran by Flock of Seagulls

    1. Rover 1 Avatar
      Rover 1


  2. iBran Avatar

    Y’know, I never realized what a strange roofline those cars had.

  3. smalleyxb122 Avatar

    The best Cougars are Foxes, too.

    1. neight428 Avatar

      Well played.
      see also – The fox-bodied cougar always kept Shep satisfied. The rebadged Thunderbird wasn’t bad either.

  4. mdharrell Avatar

    “Okay, we’ve reached Miami, now let’s find the Classic Motor Carriages factory and get this thing converted into something that better reflects our taste and refinement.”

    1. Sjalabais Avatar

      Maximising incongruity. I reacted physically to that picture.

    2. Victor Avatar

      OMG ! WTF !

      1. mdharrell Avatar

        The company called that model the Tiffany.

        1. outback_ute Avatar

          Googles famous blind Tiffanys….

  5. Bj Ruland Avatar
    Bj Ruland

    Remington Steele realized at that moment that a career change was in order. He no longer wanted to drive a Cougar, he wanted to drive a Aston Martin DB5

  6. onrails Avatar

    Shep Wagner, Mercury’s model for their Cougar brochure, stared smolderingly at Shirlena’s chiseled cheekbones and pondered the best way to ask her out. As the photoshoot dragged on, he imagined scenarios to pass the time. Dinner, dancing, romancing, a wedding, and a family. Maybe a daughter to follow in his footsteps…

  7. Alff Avatar

    Much like his Cougar, Todd’s claims of having 5.0 under the hood were slightly exaggerated.

  8. Lokki Avatar

    Shep now realized that Donna had completely misunderstood his comments about loving Cougars. It was going to be a long silent ride back to the city.

  9. salguod Avatar

    I’ll leave the captions to the more clever among us.
    My question is did all Cougars come with the wheel center caps pre-faded like this? I always assumed it was age and patina that did this, turns out it’s a feature.

  10. mseoul Avatar

    [DISCLAIMER: I am Eastern European and like Melania]: Joke; Melania and Slobodan used to like to get dressed up and stand by other people’s cars.

    1. boxdin Avatar

      My Wife is from the Phillippines we pose by other peoples stuff all the time.

  11. boxdin Avatar

    Honey your playing pocket pool is poking me in the butt….

  12. Troggy Avatar

    1. From the slightly odd coloured ‘shadows’ under the car, I’d say either whatever passed for Photoshop in the ’80’s, or (more likely) some gravel or similar material was laid to get it there.
    2. Let’s just say that his hands aren’t in his pockets to look for his keys. In fact keys might only *ahem* get in the way, if you catch my drift. Keyless entry: the choice of all pocket billiard ‘players’.
    3. Shirlena is looking at the life choices that landed her in uncomfortably close proximity to both an ’84 Cougar LS and Shep’s crotch. She is not sure which one she is the least comfortable with.
    4. The clothing is sort of zoot-suit apres surf – perfect for looking utterly indifferent from behind the counter at Kinkos on what we mere mortals would refer to as a “chaotic day”. Duuuude.
    5. Now for the song. I give you fair warning of a Rickroll before you click on the URL! But now go to the video settings, change the speed to 0.75 and imagine the sound of the surf rolling in the background, the gentle ocean breeze, and just sit back and let Rick and “Sleazy Shep” do the rest for you. Enjoy.

  13. Texlenin Avatar

    Shirl, how many “square groupers” did we land this afternoon?
    “An even half-dozen”
    “Gawd, I love big trunks, and I cannot lie…”