After occupying this timeslot in the Hooniverse Monday morning schedule for nearly the past two years, Encyclopedia Hoonatica is being put on indefinite hiatus. Instead, I am resurrecting the much-loved Classic Captions series that was previously presented by former Hooniverse contributor Jim Brennan (aka UDMan). When our migration to the Disqus comment engine led to the Great Comment Massacre of ’15, Jim abruptly chose to retire the series after 164 fun-filled posts. Well, enough time has passed that I’ve decided to pick up the Classic Captions mantle and start anew. Encyclopedia Hoonatica may return as a regularly-scheduled feature at some point in the future. Or, it may not. (We’re here to cater to your motortainment needs and wants, so feel free to share your opinion on this change below.)
If you don’t know how the Hooniverse Classic Caption Contest works, each week I will feature an image that was once used in automotive print advertising, dealer displays, or brochures. It is your job to provide a humorous caption in the comments section that is some how tied in with the image. The following week, I will declare a winning comment, based on comment upvote totals — or perhaps my own totally inexplicable disregard for public opinion, if I should feel particularly arbitrary and dictatorial on a given week.
Since many of you are new to this, and even the long-time regulars are probably feeling a bit rusty, this week I’ve chosen an illustration of a 1962 Chevrolet Impala station wagon parked on a snow-covered shore and surrounded by SCUBA-equipped divers. It’s a slightly absurd choice for a car ad, and such an unusual scenario that some clever reactions should quickly come to mind.
Classic Captions – 1962 Chevy Impala Wagon Edition
By Peter Tanshanomi
May 23, 2016
By Peter Tanshanomi
Tanshanomi is Japanese [単車のみ] for "motorcycle(s) only." Though primarily tasked with creating two-wheel oriented content for Hooniverse, Pete is a lover of all sorts of motorized vehicles.
Kamil Kaluski 
Robby DeGraff
I TOLD you it wasn’t a Lambo, dude.
Protip for submitting your pitch to the ad agency: Spellcheck doesn’t catch misspellings that are also real words.
Let’s show the new Impala wagon with a family diving in a snow-blanketed countryside.
Full disclosure: This is a variation on the same joke that I used in an earlier Classic Caption Contest for another ad featuring scuba divers. Why are there so many car ads featuring scuba divers? To date, I am only aware of the two, but that’s two more than one might expect.
In my image search, I found at least three others.
Its because scuba requires one to haul a ton of stuff, thus the wagon?
That works for this Impala, but now explain the Maverick:
http://hooniverse.info/2015/02/24/classic-captions-the-1971-ford-maverick-grabber-edition/
and the Desoto:
http://hooniverse.info/2013/04/02/classic-caption-the-1960-desoto-adventurer-edition/
I have an original late 80’s/early 90’s Chevy truck poster on my wall, with a bunch of people eating around a campfire, some people playing musical instruments, and also, scuba divers.
I’d post a picture, but I can’t find one online, and I’m too lazy to go take one.
I found the ice fishing cabin. Don’t drive any closer!!!
Lilly and her mommy smiled politely as the divers clambered out of the freezing water and into the warm car. Either their tanks had been filled with helium, or these guys were REALLY cold.
On another note… YESSSSSSS! Classic captions is back!
/dustsoffDiscusidentity
Shrinkage will never be a problem with the big new ’62”
10,000 years later, when the ice receded, anthropologists were at a loss to sum up this scene in a pat, witty phrase.
This still doesn’t answer why the Royal Impala’s record ‘Underwater’ as The Frogmen.
“Okay, guys, I found the drain plug. I still don’t know how a car can lose this much oil, though.”
You can stop searching for my husband, boys; I’ve already spent the insurance money!
Early GPS units had difficulty distinguishing between bridges and Lloyd Bridges, often costing motorists of the 60’s an unexpected detour.
There I was driving a ’62 Impala with my lungs aching for air.
Maybe I should look for an exhaust leak.
Yay, Captions are back!
After the label rejected the proposed cover art, The Beach Boys decided to change the name of their debut album from Scuba Safari. It turned out to be the right move.
Janice, in an effort to help her daughter ace that report on the Loch Ness Monster, hired a team of divers to find it. Even though she came up empty handed, she defined a generation of over-indulgant parents.
Edit: I like Encyclopedia Hoonatica, but I can see how it would get difficult and/or tiresome finding a topic with enough appeal and some challenge. A return of Classic Captions is possibly the only suitable way to put Encyclopedia Hoonatica on hiatus.
There’s a lot of virgin territory for Encyclopedia Hoonatica, especially if you want to get into mechanical esoterics. Just this morning I was thinking about cars that use Dzus fasteners.
Then send me some good topics. There are always empty slots to fill in the schedule.
Cars with metric wheels/tires
Vehicles with non-metal bodies
Cars with battery at opposite end from engine
Cars capable of exceeding X g’s on skidpad
Cars with jump seats
Cars festooned with fiberglass gewgaws
Maybe we can brainstorm a list over lunch…
Lunch? Then you really would be able to get out more. 🙂
It’s not without precedent. Mr. T and I work about 20 minutes apart. Same with Keifmo.
Cars available in front- AND rear- wheel drive?
Whoa, the last one had scuba divers (and a Maverick Grabber). Cue The Twilight Zone theme music.
Also, I hope Mr. Brennan is doing well.
I totally missed that one in my count. That makes 3 scuba related ads in Classic Captions.
same sentiments for Jim
Proof that men did wear rubbers in the early sixties.
Mike Nelson, hired for a secret mission by Plymouth to find out if the ’62 GM cars were really going to be downsized as rumored, popped up from the lake at the Milford Proving Ground, only to discover that the spies for Ford had been busted as well. Competition was keen between the makers of the Low Priced Three.
A-HA!
http://scubawatch.org/sitebuilder/images/mikenelson2-431×540.jpg
Did you hear the opening notes of Sea Hunt?
Yep! That proves it…the ’62 DOES have a shorter stopping distance than last year! Now get out here and help me get the other guy out of that ’61.
Hey look, Bob has a toilet seat around his neck!
Hold on to yer took, Genevieve Bujold in Ian Flemming’s “Snowball”
No, no, no. Don’t listen to them. The seasons in Australia aren’t reversed because of the International Date Line.
Moments before Chevrolet’s sponsorship of The Spy Who Loved Me fell through
Fresh for New Year’s Day, we see the 1962 Impala Wagon dancing through the snow as tired old 1961 Lindy Hops to exit back stage, and wet-behind-the-ears 1962 Swims upstage like the Birth Of Venus.
https://media.giphy.com/media/SCqk2lGauf17y/giphy.gif
Because you can’t take a saloon to the Black Lagoon.
And Jim, don’t stray too far. You’re a true inspiration.
“Lady, are you sure you pushed only ONE body into the water? The 1962 Chevy is longer, lower and wider than ever before!”
Look dear, I know we’re hard up for cash but can’t we dive for golf balls in warmer weather?
Why is he still alive, you two were supposed to drown him?
Nope! No husband here either. Let’s get outta here.
“Yep, he’s still down there; still wearing the cement overshoes.”
Years later, during a marathon therapy session, the true memory of the incident came out and Lizzy suddenly understood (1) that her mother had not, in fact, been abducted by aliens, and (2) her lifelong fear of snorkels. Still a mystery, though, was her pathological dislike of turnips and her compulsion to yell “Whizzicabadoodle!” every single time she saw a marmot.
Inside the ad department for the new Impala:
“Hmm… the encyclopedia says a Impala is an African antelope. ”
“Let’s build on the Africa part.”
“I’ve never been there, but I’m guessing a frozen, snowy land, full of lakes.”
“Sounds about right… Let’s do it!”
Also, yay for Classic Captions!
Shame about the Encyclopedia, but CC was always the dearest in my heart.
“Ice road truckers sometimes reach an unhappy end, but their families quickly bounce back.”