After visits to this year to California’s Wine Country and the finely manicured grounds of Barber Motorsports Park, the 24 Hours of LeMons now heads to Eagles Canyon Raceway for “North Dallas Hooptie.” This is not to suggest that ECR does not compare to Sonoma Raceway or Barber in terms of amenities, but like most things in the state, LeMoneers in Texas go big on insanity. One can see this above with the Wankel-cooked Easter bunny from LeMons-grade engineers Team Sensory Assault, whose charred FD RX-7 will be unfortunately absent this weekend.
As is always possible with North Texas races at the end of February, inclement weather tends to rear its ugly head. Last year’s race at this time was cut short due to Gulag-caliber temperatures and an ice storm. This year, early-week forecasts call for snow Friday and rain Saturday and Sunday. Foul weather tends to throw the expectations out the window so expect a chaotic weekend of racing. As usual in Texas, the field is chock full of Ford Fox Bodies and Nissan/Datsun Z cars, though 52 cars in total will heed the call of Texas-sized masochism. You can get the whole unofficial entry list here and you can see what I have to say about every single one of them after the jump.

CLASS C

Here’s where I start with the standard disclaimer about classing: I the writer have nothing official to say about classes; I merely make an educated guess about where each car will be classed based on a massive base of otherwise-useless information. The esteemed LeMons Supreme Court reviews each car the day before the race (Friday) and assigns each car a class (A for those with a Prayer of Winning, B for those with a Prayer of Finishing, and C for those with No Prayer of Finishing) and penalty laps if they exceed their car exceeds the $500 limit.
As usual, the Class C entries here are choice, even if they likely make up less than 10 percent of the field. Three of them have never finished a race (and indeed barely started a race) and the other two are soaked in the cold sweat of sub-mediocrity. There’s probably an actual word that means “sub-mediocrity” but in the spirit of my own sub-mediocrity, the word stands. Without further a-dew:
#1 Despicable Racing (Volkswagen Transporter, above) – Never before has anybody else dared raced a stock Volkswagen van, but these folks—after much last-minute thrashing to get their now-center-steering-position seat and massive birdcage through tech at MSR-Houston last November—have mustered the attachments and/or lack of brainpower to race a painfully slow, oversized Minion. If they can make the green flag and keep the air flowing over the Transporter’s engine all weekend, this should be the favorite for Index of Effluency.
#13 Escape Velocity Racing (Dodge Dart) – Gonna have to be honest: This Slant Six-powered Dart has been around the block and it should be competitive in Class C.
#75 The Resistance (Honda Civic) – Give this team credit for dredging up a first-generation Honda Civic. They won Index of Effluency last fall at MSR and should be able to make decent-for-this-Class-C lap times.
#78 Ratsun Racing (Datsun B210) – You know, the Datsun B210 has a long-established reputation for club-racing success. Ratsun’s fiberglass-body version? Not so much. In three races, they’ve averaged 54 laps per outing. About 80 percent of their total lap accumulation, however, came at their last race where the team dropped the tired Datsun four-cylinder for a “new” Nissan KA24.
#100 Team Radicus (Buick Century) – Up north from Texas, Racing 4 Nickels have raced a same-chassis Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera in LeMons, earning an IOE and a Class C win along the way. Team Radicus debuted at MSR last fall and, well, finished only nine laps. But GM’s A-Body is the 1990s automotive cockroach.
 

CLASS B

I’ve thought of clever things in the Class C preview and the Class A preview below, so rather than try anything cute in Class B, here’s the quickest rundown I can some up with. Not because I’m pressed for time, mind you, but because this class is so unpredictable that my words only matter so much (sub-mediocrity and all, you know).
#47 Wine O Racing (Toyota Solara, above) – Beige goes racing. Another former Class C winner.
#116 HoodFellas (Isuzu Impulse) – Now That’s What I Call A Proper LeMons Car.
#39 Purple Cobras (Honda Accord) – New team. Like Cobra Kai, but purple. Or something.
#14 Black Flags (Honda Accord) – New team. Not to be confused with the California Supra team.
#7 TGTW Offroad Racing D (Honda Accord) – New car for a team with class wins for all its previous cars. What’s with all of the Accords all of a sudden? There were three more at Barber this year, too.

#22 TGTW Offroad Racing B (Jeep Comanche, above) – Former Class C winner.
#24 TGTW Offroad Racing C (Toyota Corolla) – Former Class C winner, too.
#21 Pablo Escubar Racing (Mitsubishi Eclipse) – Fast but fragile.
#102 Piston Broke Racing (Mitsubishi Eclipse) – Still another former Class C winner. Slow and fragile.
#70 Tetanus Racing A (Dodge Neon) – Sponsored by the mean, median, and mode.

#65 El Segundo Toro Rojo (Toyota MR2, above) – Spanish for “Money goes in, engine comes out.”
#111 DSTSCLRT (Toyota MR2) – Pretty sure this means “Dust, Scale, Rot.” Or something. Could very easily be the name of an early 1980s hardcore band.
#512 POSRacing (Ford Mustang) – Not the same team as the POSRacing E30.
#15 PEN15 Racing (Ford Mustang) – Club racing at its finest.
#119 AeroBuzzards (Ford Thunderbird) – New car, probably going to dominate.
#2 Munchen Muscle Racing (BMW 2002tii) – New car. 2002s can run the gamut of classes depending on preparation.
#608 Speedy Monzales (Chevy Monza) – Is an anagram for “My pleased zones.” Hmm…
 

CLASS A/OVERALL

Class A is the realm of the sportiest cars in the field and those most likely to win the race, though most are still hopelessly hooptie. Four cars are pulling double duty from the race at Barber Motorsports three weeks ago—TARP Racing, Basil Weenie Racing, Vermont BertOne, and Inglorious Bastards—and should be in consideration for some kind of Masochists’ Trophy. I don’t have the slightest idea what the criteria for such an award might be, but I’m just here to promote sub-mediocrity, in general.
Previous winners Back to the Past and Pulp Friction should be the favorites to win.  Also worth mentioning: A 2006 Mazda RX-8—which even in the scariest of crack-den conditions is not going to be a $500 car—and a Ford Focus SVT that got docked 20 laps in its debut at MSR and then promptly blew up after two laps anyway.
I could tell about what each team has done in the past, but that’s taking things too seriously (although the first 10 cars listed below have the best chances a winning with the first four listed as the Masochists’ Trophy). Instead, I’ve compiled anagrams for every team I’d expect in Class A, dropping the word “Racing” or “Team” from each’s name except where no anagrams come up otherwise (TGTW, TARP, Ginger, DMS).
Enjoy!
#67 TARP Racing (BMW E36, above) – Crap rating
#99 Basil Weenie Racing (BMW E30) – I, lesbian ewe
#262 Vermont BertOne (Volvo 262C Bertone) – Verboten mentor
#511 Inglorious Bastards (Ford Thunderbird) – Rad gin stabs sour oil.

#880 Back to the Past (Nissan 300ZX, above) -A phattest bock
#333 Pulp Friction (BMW E30) – Four-pint clip
#23 Team Blue Goose (Audi 4000) – Oboe glues
#28 Team Shocker (Acura Integra) – Rocks, eh?
#892 Lost in the Dark (Mazda Miata) – Kindest harlot
#10 Property Devaluation Racing (Ford Thunderbird) – Outvoted nipple array
#20 TGTW Offroad Racing A (Jeep Cherokee) – Drift factor: Wagon
#48 Free Candy Racing (Honda Civic) – Nerdy face
#239 Norfolk & Chance (Acura Integra) – Honk & fecal corn

#972 Intrinsically Unsafe (Mazda Miata, above) – Aunt Lily’s financiers
#3 Team Steam (Chevy Camaro) – Meats
#555 Car-B-Q (Nissan 300ZX) – .
#4 Radar Love (BMW E30) – Vole radar
#44 Ron BurganZ (Datsun 280ZX) – Organ burnz
#415 Rotten Lemon (Ford Focus) – Lenten motor
#8 Spin-N-Spark Racing (Mazda RX-8) – Prank snips
#72 Tetanus Racing (BMW E30) – Eat nuts.
#11 Fox (Ford Mustang) – Ax set
#81 Nucking Futs Racing (Mazda Miata) – Funking cuts
#82 UnknownSuperGuys (Mazda Miata) – Wonky nun upsurges
#114 Sons of LeMons (Pontiac Firebird) – Elf monsoons
#301 DMS Racing (Nissan 240SX) – Cams grind.
#27 Smoking Monkey Racing (Datsun 280Z) – Kinky mom’s gone.

#33 50 Shades of Rust (Nissan 300ZX, above) – Hostess fraud
#357 The Widow’s Son Mystic Lemons Racers (Honda CRX) – Let most shy winos’ worms dancercise.
#777 Ginger Racing (BMW E34) – Cringing rage
 
You can follow the race via live timing on Specialty Timing’s website or on the RaceMonitor app for smartphone or devices. You can view the unofficial entry list.

 
[Photos: Murilee Martin]